Lo hugs me to his chest like I said some magic words. My dirty plate almost smashes between our bodies, but Ryke swiftly steals it from my hands.
He has quick reflexes.
And then the countdown appears on all the television screens. The boisterous talk dies to soft murmurs.
“I can’t look,” I whisper, my hands flying to my face. Lo keeps his arm around my shoulders. Five seconds.
“No matter what happens,” Lo says, his lips brushing my ear, “I’ll always be here, Lil.”
I’ll always be here.
I inhale.
I think I’m ready to watch myself. Even if I turn out to be one insatiable fool.
{ 20 }
0 years : 06 months
February
LOREN HALE
As the reality show continues, I’m more and more surprised that they’re focusing on the romance aspect of my relationship with Lily, not just making out, but real stuff where I talk about how she’s never cheated on me. Where she says that she loves me more than anyone.
Next to us, Ryke, Rose, Connor and even Daisy didn’t seem that shocked by the good light we’ve been put in. I’m not counting on it to last the whole hour.
“You sure you want to stay for the rest?” I ask Lily who holds my hand.
“Positive,” she says, taking a deep breath.
“Okay.”
Not long after, a montage airs. It takes me a few seconds to discern that they’re all moments where Lily was at the townhouse. Alone.
Lily squirms on the leather couch. And then her hand lowers towards her jeans. She retracts quickly and then checks over her shoulder.
She looks straight into the lens, at the viewers, and stuffs a pillow in her face.
The bottom of my stomach falls.
I didn’t realize…it’s been that hard for her while I’m at my office during the day. “Lil,” I whisper. She drops my hand, her palms pressed to her face. I’m not sure if she’s even watching through her fingers anymore.
Lily lies on the couch, her laptop on her legs. She looks around and then shuts her computer. Her hand descends towards her jeans but remains on top of the fabric.
She reaches the place between her thighs.
Lily almost crumbles in front of me. Christ. I lean down and whisper in her ear. “It’s okay.”
She shakes her head, trembling.
My whole body tightens—my muscles on fire. I speak quickly, words gushing out of me. “You did fine, Lil. You didn’t break any rules. You didn’t do anything that we haven’t done together. You stopped yourself.” I hope that this’ll relieve the pain in her chest, the nearly unbearable kind that slams into me like a thirty-foot wave.
I wait for it to drag us beneath the current. As I hold her from behind, her tears drip onto my arms. The footage airs just as rapidly as my voice meets her ear.
Lily rubs up against a kitchen chair. She flushes when she notices what she’s doing.
Lily rubs her pelvis against the counter.
I feel so fucking sick.
Not because she failed herself. She didn’t. But because she believes that she did. She knows that everyone will see this and think she’s a head case.
Lily spins into my chest and clutches my black crew-neck. Before I can grab her, she ducks underneath the shirt, hiding inside. I feel her wet tears on my bare chest, and her arms wrap tightly around my waist.
“I’m not coming out,” she murmurs, her voice cracking. “Don’t make me come out, Lo.”
I place my hand on her head and stare down at her through my collar. “Stay there as long as you want, love.” She knew the show would humiliate her in some way, but it’s different when it actually happens.
When you feel the unrelenting judgment from every goddamn person in the room.
I get it.
Any eyeball that pins on her—I meet with the hatred that turns me cold and dark. I could kill right now. It’s not a lie or an exaggeration. It’s a feeling.
It’s a hurt so deep that the worst seems possible.
I want to hurt people the way they hurt us.
“Hey,” Ryke says looking between me and my shirt, where Lily has hid away from the party. He mouths, you okay?
I can barely shrug.
He takes a step nearer. “She’s alright,” Ryke says under his breath. “Lily, you hear me?”
Lily sniffs loudly but she can’t form words. She hiccups, and I rub her back. Her body relaxes into mine.
“Stay strong,” Ryke says, patting my shirt. He looks up at me. “Tell me that was her head.”
I let out a weak laugh. God, how the hell am I laughing right now? The noise ends up fading quickly. “Yeah, it was.”