“You got this.” He mumbles, walking away. “I’m hungry.”
I take Samy to the guest room because there’s no way I’m going upstairs with her like that. We get into the room, and she staggers but stands with my help. I manage to turn the nightstand lamp on and turn around to face her. “You shouldn’t have drunk so much.”
She caresses her face awkwardly. “I needed it.”
Her black eyes meet mine, and I know I shouldn’t ask, but she expects me to. “Why?”
She points a finger at my chest. “You know why.”
Silence falls between us, and her expression grows sadder. I glance at the bed, at the fresh sheets. She just needs to sleep it off.
“Ares . . .” she says quietly. “You’ve been looking at your girlfriend all night, having a good time, you haven’t even looked at me.”
“Samantha . . .”
“I was watching you; I’ve missed you so much.” The plea in her voice makes me feel ashamed. I care about her, maybe not in the way she expects, but she’s still very important to me. “Haven’t you missed me even a little bit?”
I consider saying yes because I don’t want to hurt her. However, I think of Raquel, her smile, the way she wrinkles her face when she doesn’t like something but doesn’t want to say it, how I feel when she touches me. It’s as if she’s touching beyond my skin, as if her hands can reach into my heart and warm it. So, I don’t respond, I don’t want to give Samy false hope when my heart belongs to Raquel.
Her black eyes fill with tears, and I run my hand through my hair.
“Don’t cry.”
“You’re an idiot. Did you know that?” The anger in her voice is sharp. “Why did you have sex with me? Why did you play with me like all the others? I thought that I was different, that you cared about me.”
“Samy, I care about you a lot.”
“Bullshit! If you cared about me, you would never have let this go any further. You knew I had feelings for you, and if you didn’t reciprocate, you shouldn’t have let it go any further.”
I approach her and try to reach for her, but she pulls away as if my touch is poisonous.
“Samantha . . .”
Tears fall freely down her cheeks. “Why, Ares? Why did you kiss me that Christmas night? Why did you start something when you knew you felt nothing?”
“Samantha—”
“Tell me the truth for the first time in your life! Why?”
“I was confused! I thought I had feelings for you, but I didn’t! I’m sorry.” The pain on her face makes my chest tighten. “I’m really sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” She lets out a tearful laugh. “It’s so easy for you to say that! You destroy everything good around you and expect to fix it with I’m sorry. That’s not how life works, Ares. You can’t go around hurting people and just expect to be forgiven.”
“I know I’m fucked up, Samantha, but I—”
“You know you’re fucked up, but you keep hurting people. You do nothing to change that.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m trying to be different.”
“For her? You want to change for Raquel, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“And . . . couldn’t you try that with me? Wasn’t I enough for you?”
“It’s not about that, Samantha. I just can’t control the way I feel. I care about you a lot, but she’s . . .” I pause. “She’s . . . what she makes me feel is . . . on another level.”
Her lips tremble as she whispers: “Do you love her?”
She looks so hurt that I don’t dare answer.
“You need to rest.”
She nods and staggers to the bed, lying on her side, facing me.
“Would you mind keeping me company until I fall asleep?” I hesitate, but she looks so defeated that I can’t bear to hurt her anymore, so I lie down next to her, and our faces are a safe distance apart. She just looks at me, tears rolling down the side of her face.
I caress her cheek. “I’m sorry.”
“I love you so much it hurts.” Her voice is weak.
It’s the first time she tells me she loves me, but her words don’t surprise me, maybe I already knew. She understands my silence and gives me a sad smile.
“I need to get away from you for a while. I need to get rid of these feelings. Because, as your best friend, I want to be happy for you, because you finally found someone who motivates you to change, someone who makes you happy, but these stupid feelings ruin everything.”