‘And what do you think that was like for me? I can’t shake it off! The girl who got jilted, “poor little Merrin!”’
‘And even now, your little comments like, “Oh, Jarvis loved Dad . . .” Don’t tell me about my husband, you don’t know him, you have no idea what goes on in his head.’
‘I never said I did! I don’t know him like you do, of course I don’t, and sometimes, Ruby, I wonder if I know you!’
‘Enough! Enough now!’ a desperate voice boomed.
Merrin turned to see her mother leaning on the wall, pale and listing, as if the strength might at any moment leave her legs. She and Ruby jumped up from their chairs and rushed towards her. They each lifted an arm and walked her to the seat Ruby had just vacated, helping to lower her into it. Bella went to fill the kettle, as if knowing if ever there was a need for tea, it was now. Merry’s heart raced, still raging at her sister’s words, sad beyond reason for her loss and now guilty, too, that she had caused her grieving mother one second of further anguish.
Heather spoke softly but with uncharacteristic anger. ‘I never say this, I never think it, but I am bloody ashamed of you both. We are waiting to bury your father and yet you two see fit to fight like children before he’s even cold? What the hell is wrong with you?’
Merrin looked down, ashamed and belittled. Ruby chewed the inside of her cheek.
But Heather wasn’t done. ‘This world is full of strangers who couldn’t give a rat’s arse about your health and happiness, and you can count on one hand the number of people who’ve got your back. We are Kellows; we stick together! We help each other. I will not allow you to fight, not today, not any day. It’s selfish and an indulgence you can’t be afforded. Do you understand me, both of you?’ She looked from one to the other, her words flat and direct, but her meaning razor sharp.
‘Yes, Mum,’ Merrin offered first, admonished like a child and awash with the shame that came with it.
‘Sorry, Mum,’ Ruby seconded.
Heather pulled her shawl around her shoulders and stared at the fire. Her hair was matted and stuck up at the back of her head, her skin had taken on a greyish hue and she had lost so much weight in the shortest time.
‘I’ve lost Ben.’ Her tears fell silently and she did nothing to remove them, as if it were her normal state. ‘And you’ve lost your dad. And my whole world is torn apart. I feel . . .’ She struggled to find the words. ‘I feel as if I’m hanging on by a single thread. One single thread, and I don’t mind admitting that it wouldn’t take much for me to snip it and fall.’ She let this sink in. ‘In fact, over the last few days, that thought has been attractive.’
Ruby whimpered and Merrin followed; it was a thought too hard to bear.
‘I’m sorry, Mum.’ Ruby spoke through her tears.
‘You don’t have to say sorry to me.’ Heather slowly levered herself into a standing position, making her way across the room, reaching for pieces of furniture as if they were handrails as she headed back to the stairs and the comfort of her bed. ‘You have to say sorry to your sister.’
‘I’m going home.’ Ruby grabbed her jacket from the dining table and slipped her arms into it.
‘Don’t go home, Rubes.’ Bella said the words Merrin had been considering.
‘I’m knackered.’ Ruby rubbed her lower back. ‘I’ll see you girls tomorrow.’
‘We love you!’ Bella called from the stove as the front door closed and Ruby walked out into the driving rain.
Despite her fatigue, Merrin knew she wouldn’t sleep well tonight. Not now. Instead, she would lie awake, trying to digest the words that filled her throat, their taste bitter and their effect poisonous. The little parlour was usually a haven, but now, with the echo of their fight still bouncing off the walls, it had never felt so small.
‘She didn’t mean it.’ Bella did what she did best and tried to stitch the tear back together.
‘I think she did,’ Merrin whispered. ‘But Mum’s right. We’ve all got enough on our plate right now without Ruby and me falling out. I’m exhausted with it all and I need this petty jealousy to stop. It used to be funny when we were little, arguing over a bit of cake, a toy we both wanted to play with or who had the lion’s share of floor space in our bedroom, but now’ – she rubbed her tired eyes, thinking of the nights she had replayed the words of their big row and knowing that she had neither the energy nor the inclination to do it again – ‘I can’t be doing with it, Bells. Can’t live waiting for the next flare of aggression to fill my head for months on end. It’s not fair.’
‘Everyone’s tired. Everyone’s grieving and everyone is on edge. Things will calm down, Merry.’ Bella offered the voice of reason. ‘I’m glad you are getting on well with Miguel. You seemed happy enough at Ruby’s wedding, and even though I had my doubts about you guys long term, everyone seems to really like him. And I don’t want you to be on your own.’ Bella spoke softly, as she tucked a blanket around the sleeping Glynn in his pram.
‘You’re on your own and you’re doing okay.’ She admired her friend more than she could say.
‘I’m not, though, am I? I’ve got this little munchkin. Although I can’t pretend I wouldn’t rather be raising him with Luuk, but what you gonna do?’
‘I hear ya, Bells.’ She got up and hugged her friend.
‘But we all know it needs more than good looks to make it work. There needs to be love. That brilliant, magical spark.’
‘Did you think that’s what you had with Luuk: love?’ His absence was for her another example of the unreliable nature of those strong feelings.
Bella nodded. ‘I do love him. And as daft as it sounds, I know he loves me. His calls are never nasty, he’s always kind; he’s trying to figure things out and, in a way, I don’t want him to sell me a false promise.’
‘We all know how that ends,’ Merrin quipped.
‘It’s true; in some ways I admire his honesty. He’s only ever been completely open with me. And I him.’
‘But he left you, Bells. How can you say you love him?’
‘Because I do! It’s that simple: I love him! And he didn’t leave me, he went back to work, jumped on that big old yacht and headed off to Costa Rica, and after he’d gone, I found out I was pregnant.’
‘But he should have come back!’
‘Maybe.’ Bella looked towards the pram, where her heart lay sleeping. ‘But I’d rather he didn’t if it was only to tell me we have no future and then for me to watch him go again. Glynn is a happy babby who is doing great, and that’s all that matters, isn’t it?’
‘I guess. You’re the best mum, Bella. I’m proud of you.’ Merrin nodded as she sank down on the sofa. ‘And I agree in not complicating matters. Miguel and I are happy, but marriage?’ She shook her head.
‘You’ll figure it out, my girlie, you always do. But don’t make any decisions now, not when your brain is fuddled.’ Bella smiled at her. ‘And I’m proud of you. Look how far you’ve come.’