However I can possibly make that happen.
I move aside some of the papers on the desk and then slowly ease myself up onto it, careful not to disturb North until I can wrap myself around him a little more securely. It would be much easier if he’d have gone to sleep on the sofa. I could have just crawled up there with him, but, as always, he is determined to work himself to death. Quite literally, right now.
I stroke my hands down his back, feeling the tension in his muscles that isn’t just from holding this position. He doesn't immediately wake, but his body knows mine as surely as I know his, and he leans into me, breathing in deeply as he slowly awakens.
“What are you doing here, Bonded?” he murmurs, his voice a little broken and dry. When he lifts his head, his eyes are bloodshot with exhaustion and probably a little bit of a hangover too.
I scowl at him and mumble back quietly, “No more drinking.”
I don't mention the theory that Nox and I share about now being the perfect time for the Resistance to come after us, especially if North is down for the count. I also don't mention that it breaks my heart to see him this way, but this man always did know the innermost workings of my mind, even long before we had Bonded, and he groans as his forehead hits my thigh.
He’s slumped over once more and looking miserable. The words that tumble out of his mouth sound as though they’re being torn directly from the darkest depths of his heart. “Feeling your soul leave your body was the most painful thing I have ever felt, and I didn't think that was possible after I just watched Nox die.”
It’s hard for him to talk like this, even though he's refusing to meet my eye, so I bury both of my hands into the silky locks of his hair, massaging his skull until he groans again, this time in the sort of pleasure that borders on pain.
He’s done so much for us all, he deserves better than this. Better than anything I could ever give him, but I try anyway.
“I’m not going to apologize for saving him, the same way I'm not going to apologize for saving you if it comes to it. We're all getting out of this alive, North, no matter what it costs me. I’d give my life for my Bonded without hesitation.”
He doesn't answer me or react to my words at all, his head still resting on my knee as I scratch up his scalp and attempt to calm him wordlessly. I'm not going to sugarcoat it though. I'm not going to try and lie to this man about what the future holds for us all. Lord knows, it's not going to be easy for us.
I can give him time though.
I lean forward to speak softly to him. “You’ve been the strong one for all of us from the very beginning. No one is going to think badly of you or begrudge you for taking a few days to recover from what happened. Nox and I are both fine.”
He groans again and rubs his face against my thighs. “I’m going to judge me for this just as soon as I'm sober again.”
I want to tell him to stay drunk for a day or two longer, just because I know that nothing that I say will stop him from hating himself for all of this, but Nox's conversation with me still rings in my ears. I’d promised him that I’d change things up.
I’m not going to break that.
“We have to get on the offensive, North. No more letting them corner us into traps. No more walking into our own deaths. No more taking the safe route. We’re going to take the fight to them, and we’ll do it together. All of us.”
He's silent for a moment and then he lifts his head, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I guess I better catch a shower then, shouldn’t I? We’ll need to find Gryphon and make a real plan.”
I press my hands onto either side of his face, leaning down to murmur to him, “I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. You’ve had your moment to get your head around this, and now we’re going to figure it out.”
He takes one last steadying breath and then cups my face in both of his hands, tilting my head until I’m looking into his eyes and trying not to cry at the desolate look there.
“I cannot live without you, Oleander. I won’t. I thought Nox dying was the worst thing that could’ve happened and then your heart stopped beating, and I knew that I couldn’t go on without you at my side. I love you too much to do that. It was only my bond keeping me from going after you.”
Going after me.
As in… “North, don’t talk like that. I’m never going to leave you, we’re all going to be okay. My bond just proved that. Death can’t part a Soul Render from her Death Dealers. Or any of my other Bonded, no matter what.”
I say it with a smile, but it’s true.
No matter what, they’re mine forever.
The problem with going straight into a meeting with Gryphon and the higher-ups at the Tac Training Center about what our next moves are is that his parents are still in town. So we once again find ourselves sitting across from the General.
He is determined to pick holes in our plans.
“Three of your Bonded Group haven't even gone through formal TacTraining yet. It is incredibly dangerous, not to mention stupid, to even consider taking them. You can't just skate by relying on your Gifts during active combat.”
“I feel like we can rely on our Gifts, considering what they are,” I mutter to Gryphon, leaning into the solid wall of his chest where he’s sitting next to me.
I’m no longer attempting to rein in my snarky self around this man, because he isn't attempting to play nicely with anyone I love, not even his own damned son. Vivian shoots me a look from across the table. I give him the most innocent eyes that I can muster back, but he knows me well enough to not be fooled.
Bonding has changed exactly none of my mouthy nature.
Ever the neutral force, Vivian chimes in with his own answer to me, the only person who can give me that tone of paternal disapproval without me wanting to unleash my bond on them. “Your powers don't work in bringing back hostages, Fallows. That is an important part of what we do. Killing indiscriminately isn't what we want to be known for.”
I nod along and fight the urge to let Brutus down from my ear as visual proof, instead using my words because Vivian is worth it. “You know that I have two shadow pups with me at all times. They obey my every order, just as well as they obey my Bonded. If I really needed someone brought in, I'm sure I could get Brutus or August to convince them politely to surrender.”
Vivian rolls his eyes at me with just a little bit of affection showing through, enough that it doesn't piss off any of the men sitting on my side of the table, but it also placates the General, who really thinks I'm getting scolded.
It doesn’t stop him from running his mouth though. “The shadow creatures shouldn't even be allowed out. Uncontrollable, rabid beings should not—“
I have to interrupt him before my bond wakes up and makes this everybody's problem. “They're not though, are they? One incident that happened fifteen years ago, does not mean that my Bonded’s shadow creatures are uncontrolled. Have there been any cases of them killing someone they shouldn't have? Or is this all about prejudice?”
The General’s eyes narrow at me, and I fight the urge to smirk at him just to really get his blood boiling. “Everybody knows North has trouble controlling his. Nox has never even attempted to stop his beasts from terrorizing anyone who dares to go near him. Why should we give them the benefit of the doubt?”