Was he serious?
I switched back to English. “I told you to run!” I snapped at him in a hiss that surprised me. Calm down. But really, how could he turn this around on me? I had to calm down. Everything wasn’t fine, but it wasn’t crazy dire either unless there were vents I couldn’t see that were eventually going to spew poisonous gases. “I thought something was off. I told you to go. Before I went outside, I warned you.”
The stare he pinned me with was incredulous.
I knew in my heart this wasn’t his fault.
None of this was.
I could own up to it. I could be the reasonable one between the two of us. So I was, even though it almost physically hurt me. “I’m sorry, okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t know they were coming, and…” What was I supposed to do? Tell him everything? What a fucking mess. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone anything, ever. I wasn’t supposed to even be here. I wanted to cry, and I could hear that urge in my voice as I murmured, “I told them to leave you alone.”
That earned me an ice-cold glare and another dose of grouchy, as he switched back to English too. “The only person you can blame is yourself for being here.”
Could I suffocate him? With my shirt? Would that work?
I was going to die here.
I was going to spend the rest of my short fucking life in this room with this man-being who had it out for me for reasons I couldn’t understand. I was going to starve to death. That was how my life was going to end if I was lucky and my organs weren’t removed from my body to be sold on the black market while I was still alive to keep them as fresh as possible. They’d harvest them for sure. They were good organs. I took my vitamins. I ate… maybe not great, but I ate food. I ran.
Tears sprang up in my eyes, and my heart started going even faster, and when I tried to breathe, it was hard as hell to because I was panting despite how much it made my back ache.
I was going to die in this place.
It didn’t matter that I didn’t have their money. That I had never done shit. They wouldn’t believe me.
Everything had been for nothing.
I was going to be vulture food.
Virgin fucking vulture food.
Why hadn’t I had sex when I had the chance?
“Are you crying?” the rich voice scoffed in disbelief.
Oh, my tears were there. They were fucking there. My heart was going to explode if it didn’t just crack down the middle. I wasn’t a stranger to being sad, but I didn’t think I’d ever been this sad, and that said a lot because I’d cried every day for a year straight when my grandpa had passed away.
I was so stupid. So fucking stupid.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered because I couldn’t stop myself. I had no control over anything. Why had I ever convinced myself that I did? “But I’m going to beat myself up more than you ever could. I don’t need you to be a butthole right now,” I whispered, numb. Heartbroken.
My world was ending.
All my hope was dying.
I couldn’t believe it.
It was over. It was all over, just like that. This was how my life ended.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that long body struggle to rise up onto an elbow. “What did you say?” The Defender sputtered in a voice that might have given me a nightmare if this whole situation wasn’t already one.
A few more tears streamed down my cheeks.
Defeat beat at my chest. At my soul. My spirit. My brain.
My thirtieth birthday was in less than three months.
I had so many hopes, so many dreams. None of them were big. I didn’t want to be rich or famous. Traveling would have been cool, but if I didn’t get to visit every continent, I wouldn’t have been upset.
All I’d ever wanted was to be loved, to have someone know me for me. To have more than just my grandparents, as ungrateful as that sounded. When I was young, I’d dreamed about having siblings. I’d dreamed about having my parents around to do things that they hadn’t been able to. Then later on, I had wanted a partner in life.
I’d thought I’d have more time to meet someone I trusted enough to have sex with, and I hadn’t even done that.
I could have settled for one real friend that I could tell everything to. Just one. I didn’t need a girl gang or a squad. I wanted one person to share this burden with. That wasn’t too much, was it?
A few more tears fell down my cheeks.
How was it possible that life could be this fucking unfair? What had I ever done except been born to the wrong people? I hadn’t asked for any of this.
It was fucking bullshit.
All of it. All of this. Steaming bullshit.
I shrugged helplessly, training my eyes on the orbs of pure white light on the ceiling as my soul died a little. My vision blurred as I shook my head slowly, bitterly. “You heard me. What are you going to do? Kill me?” I asked before chuckling; it sounded as hollow and defeated as I felt. “Get in line. I’m dead in here anyway. You might as well finish the job and make it quick.”
It would be better that way. It’d be less painful, I’d bet. Dying at The Defender’s hand.
“Stop talking,” he growled so fiercely I probably would have started shaking days ago, but right then, I didn’t care. Not a little bit. Not any bit.
So this was what defeat felt like, huh?
I was Fucked. With a capital F.
More tears fell, and I chuckled, and it hurt. Life was over. It was fucking over. I couldn’t believe it.
I wilted even more onto the floor, ready for it to suck me in and make me one with the earth. “For the record, I never wanted to drag you into this. It’s why I kept asking you if you wanted to go somewhere else. I begged them to leave you alone.” Not that it had done shit.
I was here after all.
There were so many things I still wanted to do. Things I felt like I’d been robbed of. Things that felt even more precious now that I understood the situation we were in.
I groaned and wiped my damp eyes with the meaty part of my palm as I shook my head in disbelief. I’m sorry, Grandma and Grandpa. I’m so, so sorry.
I shrugged at him, feeling more defeated than I had when I’d tried to play Zelda with a broken thumb.
Hope had lost its wings and needed some crutches now.
A picture of my grandma’s face formed in my head right then though.
I couldn’t let everything be in vain. There was no reason to think I was going to be dying any time soon. Maybe they would drag this out and torture me for a long period of time. I had… I had ten toes. Ten fingers. Other body parts. You could still live a rich and fulfilling life without a tongue. I’d always planned on learning ASL.
I squeezed my hands into fists.
But I really liked my tongue and fingers.
Maybe I wasn’t going to be keeping my shit together.
My chest bounced up and down as even more tears filled my eyes and nasal cavity. It was pure pride that kept me from melting straight into a panic attack. A straight-up shit attack. I couldn’t. I shouldn’t. I was still alive. I was still fucking alive.
“What does the Arenas gang want with you?” The Defender finally asked after I’d wiped at my eyes and tried calming the fuck down.
It didn’t last.
Of course he’d figured that part out. I sniffed, suddenly feeling like a joke. “It doesn’t matter, does it? I know you’re feeling a little better, so I’ll try and stay alive until you’re strong enough to get out of here. Unless they straight up poison me or shoot me in the face, I’ll try my best. I’m stubborn. I won’t give up that easily.”