Even if she hadn’t decided it was time to remarry, shrugging off her widow’s weeds signaled a huge change, and not one she was entirely sure she was ready for.
She looked down at her sleeve as she sat in the carriage. She couldn’t see the fabric of her dress—it was covered by her coat—but she knew that it was lavender. And there was something comforting in that, something solid and dependable. She’d worn that color, or gray in its place, for three years now. And unrelenting black for a year before that. It had been a bit of a badge, she realized, a uniform of sorts. One never had to worry about who one was when one’s clothing proclaimed it so loudly.
“Mother?” she said, before she even realized that she had a question to ask.
Violet turned to her with a smile. “Yes, dear?”
“Why did you never remarry?”
Violet’s lips parted slightly, and to Francesca’s great surprise, her eyes grew bright. “Do you know,” Violet said softly, “this is the first time any of you has asked me that?”
“That can’t be true,” Francesca said. “Are you certain?”
Violet nodded. “None of my children has asked me. I would have remembered.”
“No, no, of course you would,” Francesca said quickly. But it was all so…odd. And unthinking, really. Why would no one have asked Violet about this? It seemed to Francesca quite the most burning question imaginable. And even if none of Violet’s children had cared about the answer for their own personal curiosity, didn’t they realize how important it was to Violet?
Didn’t they want to know their mother? Truly know her?
“When your father died…” Violet said. “Well, I don’t know how much you recall, but it was very sudden. None of us expected it.” She gave a sad little laugh, and Francesca wondered if she’d ever be able to laugh about John’s death, even if it was tinged with grief.
“A bee sting,” Violet continued, and Francesca realized that even now, more than twenty years after Edmund Bridgerton’s death, her mother still sounded surprised when she talked about it.
“Who would have thought it possible?” Violet said, shaking her head. “I don’t know how well you remember him, but your father was a very large man. As tall as Benedict and perhaps even broader in the shoulders. You just wouldn’t think that a bee…” She stopped, pulling out a crisp, white handkerchief and holding it to her lips as she cleared her throat. “Well, it was unexpected. I don’t really know what else to say, except…” She turned to her daughter with achingly wise eyes. “Except I imagine you understand better than anyone.”
Francesca nodded, not even trying to stem the burning sensation behind her eyes.
“Anyway,” Violet said briskly, obviously eager to move forward, “after his death, I was just so…stunned. I felt as if I were walking in a haze. I’m not at all certain how I functioned that first year. Or even the ones directly thereafter. So I couldn’t possibly even think of marriage.”
“I know,” Francesca said softly. And she did.
“And after that…well, I don’t know what happened. Maybe I just didn’t meet anyone with whom I cared to share my life. Maybe I loved your father too much.” She shrugged. “Maybe I just never saw the need. I was in a very different position from you, after all. I was older, don’t forget, and already the mother of eight children. And your father left our affairs in very good order. I knew we would never want for anything.”
“John left Kilmartin in excellent order,” Francesca said quickly.
“Of course he did,” Violet said, patting her hand. “Forgive me. I did not mean to imply otherwise. But you don’t have eight children, Francesca.” Her eyes changed somehow, grew an even deeper blue. “And you’ve quite a lot of time ahead of you to spend it all alone.”
Francesca nodded jerkily. “I know,” she said. “I know. I know, but I can’t quite…I can’t…”
“You can’t what?” Violet asked gently.
“I can’t…” Francesca looked down. She didn’t know why, but for some reason she couldn’t take her eyes off the floor. “I can’t rid myself of the feeling that I’m doing something wrong, that I’m dishonoring John, dishonoring our marriage.”
“John would have wanted you to be happy.”
“I know. I know. Of course he would. But don’t you see—” She looked up again, her eyes searching her mother’s face for something, she wasn’t sure what—maybe approval, maybe just love, since there was something comforting in looking for something she already knew she’d find. “I’m not even looking for that,” she added. “I’m not going to find someone like John. I’ve accepted that. And it feels so wrong to marry with less.”
“You won’t find someone like John, that is true,” Violet said. “But you might find a man who will suit you equally well, just in a different way.”
“You didn’t.”
“No, I didn’t,” she agreed, “but I didn’t look very hard. I didn’t look at all.”
“Do you wish you had?”
Violet opened her mouth, but not a sound came out, not even breath. Finally she said, “I don’t know, Francesca. I honestly don’t know.” And then, because the moment almost certainly needed a bit of laughter, she added, “I certainly didn’t want any more children!”
Francesca couldn’t help but smile. “I do,” she said softly. “I want a baby.”
“I thought that you did.”
“Why did you never ask me about it?”
Violet tilted her head to the side. “Why did you never ask me about why I never remarried?”
Francesca felt her lips part. She shouldn’t have been so surprised by her mother’s perceptiveness.
“If you had been Eloise, I think I would have said something,” Violet added. “Or any of your sisters, for that matter. But you—” She smiled nostalgically. “You’re not the same. You never have been. Even as a child you set yourself apart. And you needed your distance.”
Impulsively, Francesca reached out and squeezed her mother’s hand. “I love you, did you know that?”
Violet smiled. “I rather suspected it.”
“Mother!”
“Very well, of course I knew it. How could you not love me when I love you so very, very much?”
“I haven’t said it,” Francesca said, feeling rather horrified by her omission. “Not recently, anyway.”
“It’s quite all right.” Violet squeezed her hand back. “You’ve had other things on your mind.”
And for some reason that made Francesca giggle under her breath. “A bit of an understatement, I should say.”
Violet just grinned.
“Mother?” Francesca blurted out. “May I ask you one more question?”
“Of course.”
“If I don’t find someone—not like John, of course, but still not equally suited to me. If I don’t find someone like that, and I marry someone whom I rather like, but perhaps don’t love…is that all right?”