Who was she fooling? Nick wasn’t just her friend, and she didn’t want him to be.
She gently eased away from Nick, her mouth swollen and raw. She looked directly into his eyes and said what she’d been wanting to say for over a month.
“I really like you, Nick,” she said plainly. “I don’t want to pretend that I don’t anymore.”
Nick’s hands were still at her waist. His gaze was glued to her face. She didn’t know what she expected his reaction to be, but she didn’t think he’d look so . . . nervous. Or afraid.
“Do you have feelings for me?” she asked.
“Yes,” he breathed. He stepped away from her, running his hands over his face. “You have no idea how much.”
“Then what’s the problem? I know you think you’re a bad person and you might hurt me, but I really don’t think you’re capable of doing that.”
Nick started to pace. Lily watched him, confused. His nervousness was giving her pause. He finally stilled in front of her.
“There’s something I haven’t told you,” he said quietly.
“What?” Her eyes searched his face. “Do you have a girlfriend or something?”
“No,” he said. Then, “It’s worse than that.”
Lily blinked. What could be worse than that? Was he a murderer? Was he married?
“Nick.” She grabbed his hand. “Just tell me.”
He looked at her, almost pleadingly. An infinity passed before he spoke again.
“Lily,” he said, “I’m Strick.”
17
“What . . . ?”
Lily’s voice was low, confused. She dropped Nick’s hand, and he felt the absence of her touch immediately.
“I’m Strick,” he repeated. His stomach was tying itself into miserable knots. He was going to throw up. “It was me. You were emailing with me.”
Lily stared at him, unblinking. She quickly shook her head, like she was trying to make sense of his words. “I was emailing with you?”
“Yes,” he said weakly.
“But . . . how is that possible? How did you have access to N.R. Strickland’s email?”
“I’m N.R. Strickland.”
Lily’s mouth fell open. She stood there, staring blankly. People brushed by them on the sidewalk and music blared from inside the bar, but she was focused on Nick.
“Let me explain,” he said quickly. “Everything that I told you in those emails was true. I sold The Elves of Ceradon to a small British press when I was a senior in college. Then after the book tanked, I took a job writing for World Traveler and I left the whole N.R. Strickland persona, along with the idea of being an author, behind. Five years later, Marcus took me on as his new client and made that website for me, and then you emailed me, and I couldn’t not respond to you. There was just something about your email. I only meant to write back that one time, but the more I got to know you, the harder it became to pull away. I created the pen name so that my dad wouldn’t know about my career or any money that could come from it, and I didn’t want to share that with you because I’d never shared that with anyone other than Marcus. And I kept lying to you in our emails with that stupid British accent, and lying like that reminded me of something that my dad would do and I hated myself for it. I didn’t want to hurt you and I kept trying to back away, but I couldn’t. When I found out that Marcus sold Elves and I’d be moving to New York where I’d be able to see you, I knew I had to cut off contact because if I got involved with you in real life I’d find some way to fuck it up and mess with your life and I couldn’t do that to you. Then I moved here and the next thing I knew you were my neighbor. I didn’t realize it until the night I came to your apartment and saw Tomcat and the tattoo on your foot.”
She was silent for several agonizing moments. Then she finally spoke.
“You’ve known for almost two months?” she asked. “Were you ever going to tell me?”
“No, not at first. I thought it would be for the best to let you move on and to help you find someone who was more deserving of you.”
The music from inside of the bar grew louder, and Nick slightly raised his voice to be heard, even though the last thing he wanted was for anyone to overhear their conversation.
“It’s not for you to decide who is deserving of me,” she snapped. “You sat there and listened to me talk about how heartbroken I was after you stopped emailing me and you didn’t say anything.”