Ugh, I still feel awful about that. I don’t know what I was doing outside Mr. Tuttle’s house that night. I should never have gone. It’s just that I was having a bad night, and my mom was crying about my dad, which was ridiculous because he was the worst father in the whole world and an even worse husband to her. I don’t know why she still loves him. She’s still got all his clothing in the closet, and she won’t sell his car, which is sitting inside our garage.
I just wanted to be around an adult who would be kind to me, but then I got to his house, and when I looked in the window, he was having a nice meal with his wife, and I figured he wouldn’t want to talk to me. But then I decided maybe I’d wait until after they finished eating, and by the time I made up my mind that I should probably leave, somebody had called the police.
I thought I was in big trouble, but then it turned out that Mr. Tuttle was the one in trouble. Principal Higgins started asking me all these questions about him and our “relationship.” I didn’t know what she was talking about at first, but then she started asking me if Mr. Tuttle ever touched me. And that was when I knew what she meant. She was asking if he ever touched me in an inappropriate way, which he never did. But he did touch me. Like one time when we were studying after school, I got to talking about my father and how hard it was when he came home drunk, and I started to cry, and Mr. Tuttle touched my shoulder. So yes, he did touch me. But not like that—not even close.
Still, she saw my hesitation when answering her questions, and she seized on that. And then before I knew it, everyone in the school thought I was having an affair with Mr. Tuttle. Or else they didn’t, and they thought I was a liar trying to get attention.
But the worst part of all is what happened to Mr. Tuttle. He was just trying to help me. He felt bad for me because of my dad and because I had no friends and was in danger of failing math. I tried to tell everyone he was only being nice, nothing more, but then the parents started calling on him to resign. He had no choice.
And now I’ve done it again. Even worse, it’s not the first time. I’ve been to Nathaniel’s house twice before without him knowing.
I don’t know exactly what I was thinking except that I missed seeing Nathaniel after school like I usually did. And I started to get curious about what a dinner at his house would look like. It was only a five-minute bike ride from my house, so when my mom went up to her bedroom for the evening, I slipped out the back door and rode over there.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
It was depressing to watch Nathaniel having a happy couples dinner with his wife and Mrs. Maddox and her husband. The only positive thing I could say was that Mrs. Maddox’s husband was very affectionate with her, but Nathaniel barely touched Mrs. Bennett. And believe me, I was watching.
Anyway, I’m super lucky I didn’t get caught. There was a moment when Mrs. Bennett was taking out the trash, and I was terrified that she saw me, but then nothing happened. She thought she saw something, but it was too dark out. She didn’t know who it was.
Or so I thought. Until I get a message from Nathaniel through Snapflash during second period:
You were at my house last night. That was a big mistake.
I stare at the words on the screen until they disappear. It wasn’t even a question. He knows I was there. Either he saw me out the window or else Mrs. Bennett told him I was there. I write back:
I’m sorry.
Then I get worried my history teacher is going to catch me on my phone and confiscate it, so I shove it back into my pocket, even though it’s killing me not to see what Nathaniel is writing back to me. I’m sure he’s angry with me. How angry? He couldn’t possibly be so upset with me that he would end things.
Would he?
No, I can’t believe that. But the idea of it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Our relationship is risky for so many reasons. He warned me that if anyone catches wind of it, we would have to stop seeing each other immediately. The idea of never being close to him again is physically painful.
I would rather be buried in a tomb in the sea.
As soon as the bell rings, I practically rip my phone out of my pocket. Sure enough, there’s a message waiting for me, which I click to open:
The principal is going to talk to you about it. I did what I could to stop this. Deny everything.
And then a second message:
My entire life is in your hands.
Sure enough, I’ve barely made it to third period when an announcement over the loudspeaker instructs me to go to the principal’s office. My legs are super wobbly as I walk down to the ground floor, past the main desk where Annie the receptionist sits with her bucket of oranges. Annie’s smile is strained when she greets me, and it’s no surprise when I get to Principal Higgins’s office to find Mrs. Bennett waiting. I expected Nathaniel would be there too, and I’m not sure what it means that he isn’t.