Well, it’s true. If Mrs. Bennett is the only one who knows about the two of us, then if she weren’t around…
“Addie?”
My mother’s voice rings out from the other side of my closed bedroom door. She knocks once, and when she doesn’t get an answer, she barges right in. It’s like she can’t contemplate that I might be doing something in here that would require privacy. She has no idea that I’m not a virgin anymore.
Although now that I’m no longer allowed to see Nathaniel, I may as well be a virgin again, because there’s nobody else I would want to be with. Maybe it’ll grow back.
My mother does the things she always does when she enters my room, which is she looks around each of the four corners, like she’s worried she might find drugs in one of them. She folds her arms across her chest. I thought she would seem happier after my father was gone, but she doesn’t. I don’t get how a smart person like my mom could have ever loved someone so awful.
“Addie,” she says. “I just wanted to remind you that I’m leaving now.”
“Leaving?” I repeat.
Mom always says I sigh too much, but she does it way more than I do. “I have an overnight shift tonight at the hospital. I told you about that.”
“Oh. Right.”
She frowns. “Are you sure you’ll be okay here? Is there some friend that you could spend the night with?”
There isn’t. Of course, Nathaniel could spend the night. He’s an adult even. But something tells me my mom won’t go for that. Although she wouldn’t necessarily need to know…
“I’m fine, Mom,” I say. “Go be a nurse. Take care of sick people. I’ll be fine.”
This is only the second time ever that she has left me alone during an overnight shift. Usually in the past, my father was home, although that was worse than being alone.
“Okay…” Mom’s fingers linger on the doorknob. “But I’ll have my phone, so if you have any concerns…”
As if she could just leave her shift right in the middle because I’m feeling lonely. But if it makes her feel better to offer, then fine.
My mother insists on coming into the bedroom and planting a kiss on my forehead, which is super annoying. I am basically holding my breath until she leaves the room, and the second she does, I snatch up my phone and send out a message:
My mom just left. Do you want to come over?
I stare down at the phone, waiting for his reply. It comes a minute later:
I told you, I can’t. Eve is not messing around. She will destroy me if I see you again.
How will she even find out?
I can’t take that chance. Anyway, I’m not in the mood.
Please? I need to see you.
I stare at my phone, waiting for a reply, but it never comes. He is done with our conversation.
I throw my phone down on the bed in frustration, tears brimming in my eyes. I manage to hold it together just until my mother’s car drives away, and then I let loose with loud, ugly sobs that must make the whole foundation of the house shake.
I love Nathaniel. I love him so freaking much, it’s almost painful. There are lots of people out there in the world who are dating or married, but I’m fairly sure he and I love each other more than any of those other people. They don’t have the connection that we do. Yes, he’s a lot older than me, but that doesn’t matter. What we have surpasses age.
He never had that connection to his wife. He married her just because he felt that’s what you’re supposed to do in life. And now she’s the one controlling him. Controlling us.
It’s so unfair, I want to scream.
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Chapter Fifty-Two
ADDIE
YOU KNOW things are seriously bad when even ice cream doesn’t help.
An hour later, I am sitting in the kitchen with an empty tub of rocky road ice cream, and I don’t feel even a little bit better. Actually, I feel worse because my stomach hurts now. I started to feel regret setting in when the tub was three-quarters empty, but I kept going.
The pain of knowing I’ll never get to be with Nathaniel again hurts me right in my soul. This hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced. Worse than when my father died, that’s for sure.
Well, when I killed him, that is.
That was an accident though. An accident that wrecked my friendship with Hudson, which sucked, but at least it started me on the path to Nathaniel. And even though my mother won’t admit it, our household is so much better off now that he’s gone. My father’s death fixed everything.