Grandma perked up. “Oh?”
“Someone left a love note on my car.”
“It wasn’t from Jeb, was it?” Mom said.
“No, it was for someone else. Very anticlimactic. But it had a sex coupon in it,” I said, amused.
“I hope you kept it,” Jillian said. “You need it.”
I scoffed. “Thanks.”
“You know where you need to go?” Jillian said.
“Where?” I asked, checking Grandma’s ankles. She had some edema. This was new.
“Home Depot,” Jillian said.
“For?”
“To wander the aisles, looking confused.”
“Why would I—” I gave her a look. “I am not man-shopping at Home Depot.”
“She’s right, Holly. There’s lots of good men at hardware stores,” Grandma said.
“Stay away from the garden and paint sections,” Jillian said. “The men over there are gay or married. Stay out of the lumber section too. Real carpenters have timber delivered on-site; you won’t find anyone in the lumber section who knows what to do with their wood.”
“You are unbelievable,” I said, rolling fresh socks on Grandma’s feet. I glanced up at my sister. “What else?”
Her eyes sparkled. “The tile aisle is where it’s at. Those guys are ripped and they make good money. Also, they’re good on their hands and knees.”
Grandma was snickering.
“Plumbing and electrical fitting is another good one. They’re trade guys. Professionals. But the place to go, the pot of gold, the fishing hole of the hardware world”—she paused dramatically—“is the tool aisle.”
We were all watching her now, captivated.
“You want the guys buying the red tools,” she said, making eye contact with each of us. “Red tools are a green flag.”
“Why red?” Mom asked, drying a bowl with a rag.
“Those are the expensive, professional ones.” She propped her foot on the edge of Grandma’s bed and did a hamstring stretch. “You could make an exception for a guy with yellow tools if he’s cute enough. But never green. Ever.”
“No green,” I said, smacking her foot off the comforter. “Got it.”
Mom was shaking her head. “Where did you learn all this?”
“I drink iced coffee and I know things.”
Grandma chuckled.
“Good information,” I said, finishing with the socks and tucking the blankets around Grandma’s feet. “But I’m going to take a break from dating for the foreseeable future.”
“Why?” Jillian asked.
Because my self-esteem is shattered? Because I’m not ready to trust someone yet? Because my heart is about to be broken in a way I’ve never known, and there isn’t room for more?
“He just did a number on me, is all.”
Grandma watched me as I sat down with my coffee.
“Holly, did I ever tell you about my first husband?” Grandma asked.
I paused, mug midway to my mouth. “You had a first husband?”
“Before your grandfather. Never had any children with him. We were married only eight months before he died. Lucy, remember Chip?”
“What?” Lucy shouted.
“Chip! Do you remember Chip?”
Lucy grimaced. “He was a bastard.”
“Handsome as a fox but mean as a snake,” Grandma said. “I’ve been wanting to tell you about him, I keep forgetting.”
“Why did I never know this?” I asked.
“I don’t like to talk about him,” Grandma said. “I don’t think I breathed his name once during the fifty years I was married to your grandfather. Only started thinking about him recently. We’ll talk about it later.”
Mom stood in the doorway. “Holly, you can’t let what Jeb did get to you. The cheating says so much more about him than you. And what kind of a man steals a neti pot?”
“One that should have his dick in a guillotine,” Jillian said.
“A what?” Lucy asked.
“A DICK GUILLOTINE,” my sister repeated. “A tiny one.”
Mom laughed before turning back to the kitchen. “Lucy, we’re leaving in thirty minutes.”
Jillian nudged our great-aunt with her elbow. “Leaving in thirty minutes,” she shouted. She did a side bend. “I’m leaving in a bit too. I’m taking the kids to the beach.”
Her kids were guinea pigs.
She put them in a mesh tent and took them on outings.