“But when Darcy told me about your fellowship, it occurred to me for the first time that maybe there were other reasons. That maybe your main goal was to protect me from something, and if that’s the case . . . let me tell you something: when I think about chess, I don’t think about Archie, or about the other women.” She smiles through her tears. “When I think about chess, I think about my brilliant oldest daughter, doing what she loves, and kicking ass while she’s at it.” Her chin trembles. “I watched you at the Challengers, Mal. Hours and hours of you being so beautiful in your”— she lets out a wet laugh— “in your Corpse Bride dress. And even though I couldn’t understand one single thing you were doing, I was so proud of you— ”
I can’t look at her anymore. I can’t bear one more word, so I hug her. More forcefully than I should, given her joint issues. And she hugs me back, her arms around mine, like she used to when I was little and needed my mom. And when I hear a putupon “Oh, fine,” and Sabrina’s arms close around us, I feel whole in a way I haven’t in over four years.
“Way to make me feel excluded, bitches.”
“Darcy,” we all say at once, all in the same disapproving tone.
“What?” She shrugs from the door. “I thought we now just sprinkled the word generously in conversation. For seasoning.”
“We most certainly do not,” Mom tells her.
“God,” Sabrina mutters, shuffling away from us. “There is no privacy in this house.”
“Of course not,” Darcy says. “It’s minuscule and the walls are made of toilet paper and Tazo tea bags. Mallory, can you please win that stupid World Championship and move us elsewhere with your smart checkers money?”
I scowl at her. “Great job keeping secrets, by the way.”
“Technically, I kept the fact that I hadn’t kept the secret, secret from you.”
I mull it over as I rub my cheeks clean. Then I nod, impressed despite myself.
“Well.” Mom pats my knee. “Now we can move on to talking about that handsome ‘senior center coworker’ of yours.”
“Right. Do you and Nolan fall asleep together to scalp massage ASMR like Twitter says?” Sabrina asks.
“What? No! We’re not— I’m not— ” I wipe my nose with my sleeve, which comes back full of something that looks suspiciously like snot. We really need a parental control firewall, I almost say. Then remember what Sabrina said about me trying to be her parent.
“Did you guys break up?” she asks. “What’d he do?”
“He . . . lied to me.”
“Ah, yes. Lying. Something you’d never stoop to.” Mom’s tone is soft, but I wince anyway. “Let’s hear about this lie.”
I tell her about Defne, and the fellowship, and Koch’s TikTok. After I’m done, Mom takes a deep breath and says, “Listen, I like Nolan. And when I saw the two of you together . . . I think he’s been good for you. But this is not about him. It’s about chess, and about you.” She squeezes my hand. “You made good money from the tournaments you’ve been in. My new meds are working well, and I’ve been able to work regularly for weeks. Things are so much better than they were even just six months ago. I appreciate what you’ve done for us, but now it’s time to focus on what you want.
“Guilt and responsibility are heavy burdens, Mallory. But they’re also something we can hide behind, and now you can’t do that anymore. You are free to do what you love. Which might be never thinking about chess against and moving to Boulder to be with Easton. It might be becoming an auto mechanic. It might be taking a year off to backpack around the world. It can be whatever you want— but it has to be your decision. Your choice, free of constraints. And to do that, you’re going to have to look into yourself, and be honest about what you want. And yes, I know that’s terrifying. But life is too long to be afraid.”
I snort wetly. “Too short, you mean.”
“No. Years spent carrying grudges, talking yourself out of things that might make you happy? They go slowly.”
I turn to Darcy and Sabrina. They’re looking at me with identical shades of blue eyes, identical serious expressions, identical wispy blond strands framing their pretty faces.
“And one more thing,” Mom says. “If you need something, you are allowed to ask for it. God knows we have been. But I know you’re not good at it, so I’m going to offer: whatever you decide to do, about chess, about your life . . . may we be there for you? May we be part of your life, from now on?”
I can’t bring myself to say yes.
But maybe I’m making progress anyway, because at least I manage to nod.
PART THREE
End Game
Darcy spends the eight-hour plane ride to Italy quizzing Oz about the ins and outs of the World Championship.
“When does it start?” In five days.
“Why are we going so early, then?” For Mallory to get used to the time zone.
“How many games?” Twelve.
“How many hours per game?” No limit.
“So they can go to the following day?” We’re in the computer era—games cannot be adjourned anymore, or players would just turn on an engine and evaluate their positions.
“Who wins?” Whoever wins the most games.
“What if they draw?” That’s why there are twelve games. “What if they draw aaaaaall the games?” They go to tie breaks, which are rounds of rapid chess, and . . .
Oz scowls. “This flight has complimentary Wi-Fi. Can’t you Bing it or something?”
“Mom won’t get me a smartphone till I’m fourteen.”
“Mrs. Greenleaf,” he tells Mom, who’s sitting with me and Defne in the center row, “I will be purchasing a cellular phone for your youngest gremlin.”
“Oh, there’s no need.”
“I insist,” he says, lowering his sleep mask.
“Mom,” Sabrina whines, “if Darcy gets a present from Oz, I want one, too!”
“As long as you shut the hell up.” He aggressively stuffs plugs into his ears, just in time to block out my sisters’ booming “Yay!”
Next to me, Defne is frowning. “I have to say, the tie breaks do worry me a little. In the last month we worked ten hours a day, seven days a week, and still barely had time to train you for regular chess. We haven’t practiced rapid and blitz at all.” She shrugs. “Oh, well. Let’s just hope it won’t come to that.” The silver fig leaf earrings that I got her when she wouldn’t let me apologize for being a dick dangle prettily from her ear. A dicklet at most, she told me before pulling me in for a hug, her lemon scent sour-sweet in my nostrils. I should have told you where the fellowship came from. I want you to know, I’m on your team.
I believe her. Because, as Oz so lovingly put it, I finally relaxed my sphincter enough to act like an emotionally mature person. I’m vaguely befuddled that following a hefty amount of groveling, he actually agreed to be my second. And just as befuddled that he and Defne might have a thing. I want to know, but I don’t want to ask. Till you work up the courage, it’s Schr?dinger’s fucking, Sabrina told me knowingly. I could only nod, proud of her grasp of theoretical physics.