“Drunk and disorderly, destruction of personal property, and attempted car theft,” Connie said. “He crashed the Wimmer funeral, and then he tried to escape in the hearse. It was only attempted car theft because he passed out behind the wheel before he got out of the cemetery. There was minimal damage to the hearse, but Simon ran over Henry Greetch and cracked his tombstone.”
Connie handed me the paperwork.
“Looks like he’s still at the same address,” I said.
“Does it say anything about Ethel?” Lula asked. “Not that I’m afraid of snakes or anything, but I’d take extra precautions if Ethel is in Simon’s broken-down trailer.”
“What precautions would you take?” Connie asked.
“I wouldn’t go in the trailer,” Lula said. “Although last time Ethel was up a tree and that wasn’t good either.”
I tucked the Diggery file into my messenger bag and stood. “Are you riding along?” I asked Lula.
“Absolutely,” she said. “Someone’s gotta protect Ranger’s car when you go into the trailer to root out Diggery.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
It was a thirty-five-minute drive to the unimproved dirt road that led to Diggery’s trailer. The area was wooded and sparsely populated. There were a couple yurts, a hut patched together with sheets of corrugated metal, a couple bungalows that had seen better days. And Diggery at the end of the road.
“This is real country living on this road,” Lula said when we passed one of the yurts. “If I lived here, I’d have a chicken. I always wanted a chicken.”
“A little red hen?”
“Exactly. You gotta admire their work ethic. And I hear they make good pets.”
We reached the end of the road and Diggery’s trailer came into view. The area had been cleared of trees so that the trailer sat on an island of dirt. A rusted Ford F-150 pickup was parked close to the trailer.
“Looks like he’s home,” Lula said. “And he got a different trailer.”
The trailer wasn’t new, but it wasn’t a disaster either. I parked on the edge of the makeshift driveway and called Diggery.
“Yo,” he said.
“Hey, Simon,” I said. “It’s Stephanie Plum. You missed your court date. I’m in your driveway. I came to help you get rescheduled.”
“I know where you are,” he said. “I can see you. Go away.”
“Looks like you got a new trailer.”
“Yeah. So what?”
“It looks nice.”
“I came into some money.”
“Is Ethel in there with you?”
“Ethel died. She was old. I got Ethel Number Two now.”
“How big is Ethel Number Two?”
“Big enough to eat a cow. You’re disturbing my afternoon and you’re trespassing. You should leave before I have to shoot you.”
“You wouldn’t shoot me. We’re old friends.”
“We aren’t friends,” Diggery said. “We’re business associates.”
I got out of the car and waved at him. “I’m coming in,” I said.
“The hell you are,” Diggery said. “I got a lock on the door of this trailer. And besides that, Ethel Number Two might eat you.”
“Ethel only eats when she’s hungry and I’m betting on her not being hungry.”
“Well then she’ll squeeze you until your eyes pop out of your head and you have a bathroom accident.”
“That would be unpleasant. How about if you come out here to talk.”
“I don’t want to go to jail.”
“Court is still in session. I’ll have Connie meet us at the municipal building and you’ll get rescheduled, and I’ll bring you back to your trailer.”
“Can I take Ethel?”
“No.”
“She don’t like being left alone.”
“Will she fit in a cage?”
“Hell no. She barely fits in my trailer.”
“Turn the television on for her. I hear that works sometimes.”
“I guess I could do that. You got any incentives for me to go with you?”
“Lula is with me.”
“That’s not an incentive. She scares the crap out of me.”
“What do you want? Cheeseburger? A dozen doughnuts? A couple lottery tickets? A bucket of chicken? A six-pack of beer? Bottle of whiskey?”
“I’m heavy into whiskey these days.”
“You got it.”
“Okay, but you got to wait a minute, and I’ll put some clothes on.”
“You don’t have any clothes on?”
“I like the freedom of nakedness and it saves on the laundry. And Ethel don’t mind.”
I guess that’s the advantage of living with a snake.
I got back into the car. “He’s getting dressed,” I said to Lula.
“He has to wear something special?”
“Pretty much.”
Five minutes later Diggery came out. He locked his door and walked to my car.
“There’s a dog in here,” he said.
“That’s Bob,” I told him. “Would you rather sit with Lula?”
“I’d rather sit in front with you. Not that I have anything against dogs, but Ethel might not like it.”
“Yeah, we wouldn’t want her to squeeze you in the middle of the night because she was jealous,” I said.
Lula got out and sat in back with Bob, and Diggery got in next to me.
“This is a nice car,” he said. “You must have come into money too.”
“Tell me about the money,” I said.
“It’s business related,” Diggery said. “I can’t talk about it because I’m officially retired.”
I called Connie, she met us at the municipal building, and an hour later, Diggery was rescheduled, and we were on our way back to his trailer. I stopped at the liquor store on Broad so Lula could get him some whiskey.
“Don’t drink this bottle all at once and crash another funeral,” I said to Diggery.
“I didn’t crash the funeral,” he said. “I was taking an early morning stroll and I saw they had the canopy up for the funeral and thought it would be a good place for a nap. I had a couple nips from my flask, and I was half-asleep when these people came rushing at me. I panicked and mistook the hearse for my pickup and accidentally ran off the car path.”
“So, the translation is that you were out all night looking for a grave to rob. You got drunk and passed out at the Wimmer grave site, and when the funeral director tried to remove you, you got into the first vehicle you saw, and it happened to be the hearse.”
“I guess that could be another interpretation of events,” Diggery said.
“I might have a job for you. I need to find a body.”
“A dead body?”
“Yep.”
“I’m your man.”
“I’m looking for a homeless guy who goes by the name of Stump. He was shot multiple times four weeks ago. Average height. Frizzy gray hair. Had a spider tattoo on his hand. Got dumped somewhere.”
“That’s a tough one. Where was he shot?”
“King Street. At night. Behind Plover’s jewelry store.”