Finding Mr. Right wasn’t a selling point for me. I already had two Mr. Rights in my life. I was conflicted enough. And while I have delusional visions of myself looking fantastic in tennis attire whacking the ball around, realistically I can’t see it happening.
“That’s her building on the right,” Lula said. “It looks like she’s on the second floor. I bet she’s got a balcony that looks over the pool.”
I was on the second floor in my building, and I had a fire escape that looked over the parking lot. I told myself it was retro. And honestly, I liked my stodgy no-frills building. It had a good mix of people.
I wasn’t sure if this was a pet-friendly complex, so we left Bob in the SUV with strict instructions.
“I guess this is one of those situations where you’re going to give her the baloney about how we’re just going to get her rescheduled.”
“It’s not baloney,” I said. “If everything goes right, it’s the way it will play out.”
“It never plays out right,” Lula said. “These are people who don’t want to go to jail.”
“Humor me,” I said. “It’s our opening move.”
“That’s okay with me,” Lula said. “It’s okay as an opening move. You just don’t want to count on it working.”
I rang the bell twice and Jenny Johnston opened her door. She looked like her photo. Blond, slim, angry.
“What?” she said.
I introduced myself and told her she missed her court date.
“Oh, dear God,” she said. “What a tragedy. Total disaster. Excuse me while I go hang myself in the bathroom. I think I’ll use my outdated and too-small Gucci belt.”
“It’s not a big deal,” I said. “We’ll get you rescheduled, and you’ll be back home in an hour. Maybe two.”
“This is about the shower, right?” she asked. “Let me tell you about the shower. The bitch bride-to-be used to be my best friend. Turns out she was screwing my fiancé behind my back, and obviously she was better at it than I was because he dumped me.”
“I could teach you a few tricks if you’re interested,” Lula said.
“I’m not interested,” Johnston said. “I’m done with men. I’m getting a fish or a turtle or something.”
“I guess they don’t allow dogs here,” Lula said.
“They don’t allow anything that poops outside of the apartment.”
“That’s too bad,” Lula said. “A dog would be a good substitute for a man. They make real good companions.”
“About getting rescheduled…，” I said.
“Not only did this jerk dump me,” Johnston said, “he took back his ring and gave it to the slime creature. He gave her my diamond ring. The ring we picked out together. It was a Plover ring.”
Holy cow. There really is a God. And he must like me. Go figure.
“I have good news for you,” I said to Johnston. “Don’t tell anyone where you got this information, but I happen to know that Plover is under investigation for selling fake diamonds.”
Johnston sucked in some air. “Are you shitting me?”
“Nope,” I said. “No shit. The slime creature’s probably wearing a worthless ring. And it’s not just diamonds. I’m told almost all of the jewelry Plover recently sold was fake.”
“Holy crap,” Johnston said. “This is big. This is fantastic. I love this. I’m happy again.”
“And you got to shoot up a pi?ata,” Lula said. “You got style. I admire you for that. I hope I can get to shoot up a pi?ata someday.”
“Yeah, it was good,” Johnston said. “It was loaded with Hershey kisses and the freaking thing exploded. There were kisses flying everywhere. It was awesome.”
“And then you pushed the slime creature into the sheet cake,” Lula said.
“It was anticlimactic to the pi?ata,” Johnston said, “but it just seemed like the right thing to do.”
“Like going downtown to get you rescheduled,” I said.
“Whatever,” Johnston said. “As long as I can do my shift at the bar. If I don’t mention your name, I can spread this info, right?”
“Absolutely,” I said. “Tell everyone.”
Connie met us at the municipal building and wrote a new bail bond for Johnston. Lula went back to the office with Connie and Bob, and I went to Rangeman.
I changed into my viewing uniform and called Ranger.
“I need a ring,” I said. “Or maybe a pendant. I was hoping I could borrow something from the Plover collection.”
“Is this a special occasion?”
“Yes. The Mitchell Zelinsky viewing is tonight, and I want to spread some rumors.”
“I have the Plover pieces in my safe. Come to my office and you can choose whatever you want.”
Ranger had the trays stacked on his desk when I walked in.
“I need something that looks like I could afford it,” I said.
“If they were real, you couldn’t afford any of these pieces,” Ranger said. “It would be more believable if you said you took it as a bribe.” He selected a necklace that had a small pendant of an open hand on a silver chain. “This is a hamsa necklace. The hamsa is a protective symbol.” He stepped close and his hands were warm on my neck as he placed the necklace. “If anyone ever needed a protective charm, it’s you.”
* * *
Grandma was waiting on the sidewalk when I got to my parents’ house.
“I got a black scarf for Bob,” she said. “We can tie it around his neck, so he looks like a real bereavement dog.”
“We’ll wait until we get to the funeral home,” I said. “If we put it on him too soon, he might eat it.”
I found the last parking spot in the funeral home lot, and Grandma, Bereavement Bob, and I slipped in through the building’s side door. At the same time, the big double doors in the front were opened and the mourners stampeded in.
“I’m going to get a seat up front,” Grandma said. “I’ll meet you at the cookie table when the viewing is ending.”
Bob and I slowly made our way around the perimeter of the packed reception room. Viewings in the Burg are not only socially mandatory for many Burg ladies but also are at the top of the list for free entertainment. Husbands attending are usually under the influence and congregate in clumps to discuss game scores and Viagra results.
Bob was an immediate hit.
“A bereavement dog!” Sue Mary Malinowski said. “What a wonderful idea. Can you rent one?”
“I don’t know much about it,” I said. “This one is just in training and I’m babysitting him for a friend.” I put my hand to my necklace. “I wonder if I could have your opinion. I was given this necklace, and I really like it, but it came from Plover’s, and I’m sure you’ve heard the rumors. Do you think this looks fake? It has some small gemstones in it.”
Sue Mary took a close look at my necklace. “I don’t know,” she said. “It’s very pretty. Have you had it appraised?”
“No,” I said. “Do you think I should?”