I curled up on the bench, taking solace in the familiar give of the seat and the softness of the cushions. Motion-sensor flood lights illuminated the backyard, casting a pale yellow glow over the pool where I’d learned to swim, the treehouse where I’d hidden when I was upset, and the various nooks and crannies where my brothers and I had fought, played, and grown up together.
A wistful sense of nostalgia floated over me. I hadn’t lived here in so long, but every time I visited, it was like I’d never left.
The sliding glass door opened. “Hey.” Felix stepped out, his tall, lean form backlit by the house lights. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” I hugged my knees to my chest, my chest tightening at his concerned voice. “I’m fine.”
He took the seat next to mine. He’d changed out of his nice celebration clothes and into a faded T-shirt and shorts. “You don’t sound fine.”
“It’s my allergies.”
“You don’t have allergies.”
“Know-it-all.”
Felix’s soft laugh pulled a small smile out of me.
“If this is about earlier, don’t think too much about it,” he said. “You know how Gabe is.”
“But he’s right.” Fresh pressure bloomed behind my eyes. I blinked it away, determined not to cry.
I felt pathetic enough without having my nicest brother feel sorry for me. “I should’ve gotten the book done, and I didn’t. I never follow through. I don’t know why…” I tucked my knees tighter to my chest.
“I don’t know why it’s so hard for me when it’s so easy for you guys.”
“Isa.” Felix fixed me with a disbelieving stare. “It’s not easy for any of us. Do you know how long it took for me to figure out what I wanted? How hard it was for Miguel to choose a specialty? Even Gabe has problems getting people to listen to him because he’s so young.”
“And Romero?”
“Oh, he’s a freak. I’m pretty sure he was born with a computer for a brain.”
Laughter melted some of the tension in my shoulders. “He’ll take that as a compliment.”
“I’m sure he will.” Felix smiled. “The point is, you’re on the right track. You’ve started your book, which is more than what a majority of the population has accomplished. It might seem like we’re quote, unquote ahead of you, but we’re also older. We have more life experience.” He pinched my cheeks. “Baby ka pa lang.” You’re just a baby.
“Stop.” I batted him away with another laugh. “Don’t act like you’re so old and wise. You’re only four years older than me.”
“You can live several lifetimes in four years.” Felix leaned back and stretched out his legs. “The point is, you’re not behind. You’re still young. You have plenty of time to figure it out.”
That was what I thought when I was twenty-two and convinced I would be the next great talk show host. Now I was twenty-nine and no closer to figuring it out, whatever it was.
I appreciated Felix’s attempts to reassure me, but the more we talked about it, the worse I felt.
Reassurances from someone so successful sounded patronizing even when that wasn’t his intention.
“I know,” I said, more because I wanted to end the conversation than because I agreed with him.
My eyes fell on his bare neck. “Where’s your necklace?”
His mentor, some woo-woo “be at one with the wave” type, gifted it to him after his first exhibition. I’d never seen Felix without it.
He scratched the back of his neck, his cheeks inexplicably red. “I, uh, lost it.”
My sisterly radar went on full alert. He was lying, but before I could probe further, the door opened again. Gabriel appeared, his backlit silhouette an ominous spill of darkness in the doorway.
Felix quickly stood. “It’s getting late, and I’m beat. I’ll see you guys tomorrow. You got this,” he added in a small whisper when he passed by me.
If by this, he meant utter and total dread, then he was right.
The third, tensest silence of the day sprouted as Gabriel took Felix’s vacated seat and the door shut behind my other brother.
I tucked my hands beneath my thighs.
He tapped his fingers on the bench.
I stared at the pool.
He burned a hole in my cheek and finally spoke. “I’m trying to help you, Isa.”
“Help?” Indignation ripped the word from my throat. “How is humiliating me in front everyone going to help?”
“I didn’t humiliate you. I asked you for something you promised us.” Gabriel’s mouth thinned.
“Everyone always coddled you because you’re the youngest, but you’re an adult now. Words and actions have consequences. Promises require follow-through. We’ve been patient for years while you ‘figured things’ out in New York.” He made air quotes with his fingers. “Obviously, that hasn’t worked.”
Every word hit with the force and accuracy of a guided bullet. The flimsy walls of my indignation collapsed as quickly as they’d been erected, leaving me raw and exposed.
You’re an adult now.
Promises require follow-through.
That had always been my problem, hadn’t it? I could never keep a promise to myself.
I’d vowed I would finish the book by today and I couldn’t. I’d said I would swear off men after my ex and I didn’t. I’d pledged to prioritize my job at Valhalla and, well, we all knew how that turned out.
I didn’t regret getting together with Kai, but the weight of my failures carved hollows in my chest.
“You know what the clause says,” Gabriel said. “Find your passion and settle into a career by thirty, as judged by me and mom, or you forfeit your inheritance.”
That clause was the biggest hold Gabriel had over me. By the time our mom added it, he was already working for her and serving as the de facto head of the household, so it made sense to add him as judge and arbitrator.
The weight on my chest pressed heavier and heavier, squeezing tears into my eyes.
I didn’t care as much about the money. Obviously, I didn’t want to lose it, but forfeiting my inheritance meant more than giving up millions. It meant, without a shadow of a doubt, that I’d failed where everyone else had succeed.
“You don’t have to remind me,” I said quietly. “I know.”
“You have a year left. Move home. We’ll figure it out together.”
“Moving home isn’t going to change things, Gabe.” I couldn’t leave New York. Besides my family, everyone and everything I loved was there. “It’ll only make them worse.”
His mouth thinned further. “You have no accountability in New York. No one pushing you. If you stay there, you’ll never—”
“Stop.” A thousand voices crammed inside my head, fighting for attention. Mine. Gabriel’s. My parents’。 Kai’s. Leonora Young and Parker and Felix and every other person I had let down in some way or another.
I didn’t humiliate you. I asked you for something you promised us.
Chase your dreams.
You’ll finish it. You’re too strong not to.