“You’re worried about how they’ll cope without you?”
“No.” Anna swallowed. “I’m worried about how I’ll cope without them.”
“But the alternative would be to have them living with you forever. You wouldn’t want that, surely?”
“I wouldn’t.” Anna paused. “Or maybe I would.”
Erica waited for a break in the traffic and made a right turn. “You’re making no sense. Your job as a parent is to raise your child to be a competent human being capable of independence.”
“I know. And I’ve done that. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to open champagne and congratulate myself on a job well-done when they leave. I’m going to miss them horribly. I almost wish Meg and I fought more. It might make it easier to let her go. Maybe I’d be counting down the days until she left. And of course I haven’t told them I feel this way. Whenever they talk about college and leaving I’m encouraging and enthusiastic—which is exhausting, by the way—but the truth is I love being a mother. It’s what I’ve always wanted, and now it’s ending and I’m—” her voice suddenly thickened “—well, I’m heartbroken.”
There was silence in the car.
Erica glanced in the mirror and caught Claudia’s eye.
Claudia knew that was her cue to say something. “Empty-nest syndrome. Isn’t that what it’s called?”
Anna cleared her throat. “Probably, but in the end it doesn’t matter what it’s called. It only matters how it feels, and it feels awful. And it hasn’t even happened yet! If I can feel this bad anticipating it, how much worse am I going to feel actually doing it? And as well as missing them emotionally, I feel as if I’m about to lose my job. The only job I’ve ever loved.” She sent Claudia an apologetic look. “I’m sorry. That was beyond tactless in the circumstances.”
“No, it wasn’t. I never loved my job.” Claudia felt bad that she hadn’t given more thought to how Anna might be feeling now that the twins were about to leave home. “Does Pete know you feel this way?”
“Yes, but it’s different for him. His life isn’t going to change as much because he spends so much time working. He’ll miss them, I’m sure, but it won’t be as hard for him.”
Of course Pete knew. If she had a problem, Anna would have talked to Pete about it. They talked about everything.
John had rarely talked about his problems or feelings. If he’d had a bad day at work his solution was to go for a long run alone, or pour himself a drink. On the few occasions she’d tried to talk about work stress, his response had been you’ll figure it out.
And that was true. She hadn’t ever expected him to solve her problems, but there had been many occasions when she would have appreciated a hug or a few warm words like the ones Pete gave Anna whenever she was stressed.
Claudia felt envious of her friend’s relationship. Did she realize how lucky she was? How rare it was to have a relationship where your partner was caring and supportive? “Knowing Pete, I’m sure he had an opinion. What does he think you should do?”
Anna picked at the corner of her nail. “Don’t even ask.”
“And now, obviously, we have to ask and you have to answer.” Erica leaned on her horn as another driver overtook them and almost clipped her car. “Tell us what Pete said.”
Anna rested her hand back in her lap. “He asked if I wanted another baby.”
“You’re joking. That is so caveman of him.”
“I think it’s caring,” Claudia said. “He knows how much Anna loves being a mother. He knows her. It’s actually very romantic.” She felt another twinge of envy.
Erica shuddered. “You have a strange definition of romance. Here, have another baby. Let me chain you to the nursery for another few years.”
“You know Pete isn’t like that,” Anna said. “It’s my choice.”
“Right.” Erica gripped the wheel. “So are you going to do that?”
“Have another baby? No, of course not.” Anna stared ahead. “At least, I don’t think so.”
“You don’t think so? Anna, you’re almost forty!”
“Thanks for the reminder. Women do still have babies at forty, you know. But that isn’t the point. The point is that no matter how many children you have, there is always a last child. So I suppose deep down I know this is something I have to face eventually. And only I can do it. If I decide to have another baby then it has to be for the right reasons. And now let’s talk about something else.”
“In a minute.” Erica slowed as the traffic came to a standstill. “Surely the kids leaving has some benefits. For a start you and Pete will be able to have sex all over the house. Imagine the freedom.”
“I think that will just remind me how empty the house is.”
She wasn’t the only one whose life had changed, Claudia thought.
“It feels strange, handling a big change at forty. This should be a time for building on everything that has gone before.”
“Yes.” Anna turned in her seat to look at her. “And I don’t feel I have the confidence to do anything different. But there are so many examples of people who do.”
Erica tapped her fingers on the wheel, impatient for the traffic to move. “What are you saying? That the decisions you make when you’re young dictate the rest of your life? That’s ridiculous. Not to mention restrictive. Some people change a lot between twenty and forty. Look at Jack. He didn’t train as a lawyer until he was thirty.”
Claudia was intrigued, and not only because it was unlike Erica to mention Jack except in relation to sex. “Really? I didn’t know that. What did he do before?”
Erica stared at the road ahead. “Medicine.”
“You’re kidding. He was a doctor? And he gave it up?”
“Yes and yes. It wasn’t for him. He could have carried on and made it his life, but instead he admitted he’d made a mistake and started again.”
“That’s a very brave thing to do,” Anna said.
“It is. But the point I’m making is that it’s never too late to do something different.”
“I like that.” Anna sat back in her seat. “I also like the fact that you and Jack do occasionally talk.”
“I never said we didn’t talk.”
“But you didn’t reveal that you’ve been sharing innermost secrets.”
Erica made an impatient sound. “Maybe you should be a romance novelist. There’s a gap in the market since Catherine Swift turned to crime.”
“You’re changing the subject,” Anna said. “I think there is far more to your relationship with Jack than you’re sharing.”
Noticing Erica’s shoulders tense, Claudia decided it was time to change the subject. “Any chance of stopping soon? I’ve lost the feeling in my legs.”
“Do you want to swap?” Anna was instantly generous. “I can sit in the back for a while.”
“That makes no sense,” Erica said. “You have longer legs than Claudia.”