Anna decided not to point out that Delphi wasn’t yet six, and that Manhattan shopping trips were a long way in the future. It was good that Erica was even thinking that far ahead. “Meg loved every minute. She still talks about it.”
“Right. So maybe that would be fun for Delphi. We could hit all the main tourist hot spots. Have lunch somewhere fancy. Do you think she’d like that?”
“I’m sure she’d love it.”
Anna felt a strange sensation in the pit of her stomach. Whether she realized it or not, Erica’s future was changing. She’d taken an important step. A huge step. Claudia’s future was looking brighter, too. They both had things they were looking forward to.
When Anna looked into the future, she saw change she didn’t want. She didn’t feel excited; she felt sad. And for the first time ever she felt that Pete didn’t really understand. She’d mentioned it again in their conversation the night before but he’d been unusually quiet. She had a feeling something wasn’t quite right. It was all very unsettling.
They stepped out onto the street and Erica held the door for her.
“Thanks for your help. I appreciate it.” She stopped as she saw Anna’s expression. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything is great.” She needed to pull herself together. “I’m pleased this is working out for you. Hattie is great. And it’s good to see Claudia happy.”
“Yes. We both knew she still loved cooking, but she needed to rediscover it for herself and fortunately, she has. And Hattie has a temporary chef, so that’s two problems solved in one go.” Erica stepped to one side to allow a couple to pass. “Where next? Bookstore?”
“Yes. We’ll choose some books for Delphi and then we’ll go back to the inn.” She wanted to talk to Pete and try to find the connection that seemed to be missing the night before.
They spent an hour in the bookstore, left with yet more purchases along with wrapping paper and ribbon so that Erica could reproduce the parcel Delphi had drawn in the picture, and then headed back to the inn.
“Give my love to Pete.” Erica was almost staggering under the weight of her parcels. “I’m going to wrap these while you’re catching up with him.”
Anna unlocked the door to her room. “I’ll see you in an hour for lunch.”
She closed the door and tugged off her boots. Then she walked to the bathroom and stared into the mirror. She should be grateful that the twins were able to leave home and live independent lives. The fact that they were excited about it meant she’d done a good job as a parent. They were confident and self-reliant.
But whenever she thought about dropping them off at college and then returning in an empty car to an empty house, she felt sick. She was going to miss keeping the fridge stocked, and miss listening to their funny observations about the world. She was going to miss seeing multiple pairs of oversize running shoes in the hallway when Dan had friends over. Who was she going to nurture once they’d gone? Where was she going to put all this love that was inside her?
Her eyes filled and she scowled at her reflection. Pull yourself together.
Feeling vulnerable, she settled down on the chair next to the window and called Pete.
He answered after a couple of rings. “Hey. How are things? I thought you’d be deep in book discussion. Or cross-country skiing.”
“I’m meeting Claudia and Erica for lunch in an hour. I wanted to hear your voice.” She gazed at the trees outside the window, their branches bowing under the weight of new snow. “How are the kids?”
“They’re fine. Meg is upstairs finishing a project and Dan is over at Alex’s house rehearsing.”
“That’s good.”
“Everything okay?”
“It’s fine.” She tightened her grip on the phone. “The place is fantastic. So Christmassy. I’m glad you encouraged me to come. We’ve only been here a day and so much has happened. Do you remember that I told you I thought there was some reason Erica picked this place?” She told him about Erica and her relationship to Hattie and he listened without interrupting.
“That’s huge,” he said when she finally stopped talking. “And Erica didn’t tell you?”
“Not before we arrived. And we were ready to check out and go somewhere else because that was what she wanted, but then everything blew up.” She told him about Stephanie and the chef walking out.
“It sounds as if you’ve been surrounded by drama.”
“Yes, but in a way it was a good thing because it forced Erica to get involved. You know how good she is in a crisis, although to be fair, Hattie was pretty good, too, so maybe it’s a family trait.”
“I’m still trying to imagine Erica writing a letter to Santa.”
Anna smiled. “I know. But Delphi is adorable, and you know how it is with children—they don’t respect boundaries or tread gently. They just say it how it is, and Erica’s pretty much like that herself.”
“So she’s happy, and so is Claudia.”
“Yes. I think this is just what she needed.”
There was a pause. “And how about you? Still thinking about the kids leaving home?”
Anna walked across the room and curled up on the bed. “Yes. And I wish I didn’t feel this way.” She badly wanted to make him understand. “You should have seen Claudia’s face when she was working in the kitchen last night. She was energized and excited. And this morning at breakfast I could see she was just dying to get back into the kitchen. And Erica has this great job, and is planning how she can build a relationship with Delphi and Hattie. They have so much to look forward to.”
“Have you given any more thought to the conversation we had?”
“The one about having another baby?” She leaned back against the pillows and stared out the window. “Was it a serious suggestion? Do you want another baby?”
“I want you to be happy, Anna.” He sounded tired. “If having another baby will make you happy, then I think we should at least talk about it.”
Would it make her happy?
“I don’t know. When I think about the kids leaving home, I just want to freeze time and somehow stop it happening. And I know this is life, and that it changes all the time for everyone. It is changing for Claudia, and Erica. And Hattie, as well. This is normal, but it doesn’t make it easier to handle. I don’t know how I’m going to cope when they’re gone.” And her friends seemed to be better at handling change than she was. Even Claudia, who had been struggling for half the year, seemed excited and upbeat. It took her a moment to realize that Pete hadn’t spoken. “Are you still there?”
“Still here.”
She felt suddenly guilty.
“Am I moaning? I don’t mean to moan. I know I’m lucky. And that’s half the problem. I love my life a little too much. I don’t want it to change.”
“I know.”
Something in his tone wasn’t right. “What? I know you’re thinking something, so just say it.”
There was an extended silence. “I know how much you love being a mother, and you’re a great mother—”