It’s over, she chanted to herself. It’s over.
It would never be over.
“Don’t shed too many tears over their departure,” a voice said from behind her. “For all his protests to the contrary, I expect that Aren will be unable to resist sticking his nose into this rebellion.
He really does not like your aunt.”
Zarrah spun, pulling loose the sword buckled at her waist, the familiar velvet tones of Keris’s voice registering a heartbeat before her eyes latched upon him. He sat on a rock, a half-empty bottle of wine and a selection of cheese sitting beside him, a wineglass in one hand.
“What are you doing here?” she shouted before whirling back to the sea. But the ship was too far You need to focus on Valcotta. gone to signal. “They’re going to think you fell overboard!”
“I doubt it,” Keris answered, sipping at his wine. “Was Jor who rowed me to shore, and it was Aren who took his time dropping anchor to give us the time to do so.”
An unjust sense of betrayal filled her that Aren had known and said nothing. “Why? Why the fuck are you here, Keris?”
“Because you and I need to have a conversation.”
“Then we should’ve had it on the ship,” she shouted. “I’m grateful for all you’ve done for me, Keris. Truly, I am. But this is my fight. I need to focus on Valcotta. You need to go back to Maridrina.”
Keris took a sip of his wine, then set the delicate glass on the rock next to the cheese. “Are those your orders?”
She didn’t answer.
Rising to his feet, Keris walked toward her, the intensity in his azure eyes causing Zarrah’s stomach to flip.
He stopped in front of her, and she swayed, uncertain of whether she wanted to step forward or back. Whether she needed to attack or retreat.
“I can be reasoned with. Convinced. Persuaded.” He leaned closer, his voice low as he said, “But when it comes to matters of my family, my people, or my kingdom, I will not be ordered.”
Zarrah lifted her chin, meeting his stare unblinking. “You presume to—”
“I’m not finished.” His breath was warm, scented faintly with the wine he’d been drinking. “The reigning empress of Valcotta has her sights trained on my back. Wants to destroy me, my family, and my people. Wants to burn Maridrina to ash, yet you have the audacity to tell me that this is not my fight. To tell me to go back to Vencia to wait for your instructions like I’m one of your soldiers and beholden to your orders. I am not.”
“You think—” She cut off as his head tilted, eyes narrowing.
“And this isn’t the first time. Despite the fact your plots with Ithicana had a catastrophic impact on my kingdom and people, you didn’t involve me. Instead you came to the dam in Nerastis for the sole purpose of telling me how it was going to be.” He leaned closer still. “You had no right.”
Her heart was throbbing with such intensity that Zarrah swore it might burst from her chest.
Countless emotions filled her, but she clung to the one that always served her best. Anger. “But you had the right? You betrayed my confidence and used the information I trusted you with to make your own plans, then stood on Southwatch Island and told me how it was going to be. For you to stand here and berate me is hypocrisy. Worse than hypocrisy, because at least I didn’t betray you.”
“Didn’t you?” His voice was cool, but the pulse at his throat was rapid. “We planned together how didn’t look back as she climbed the narrow path up the hill, the scent of pine thick in her nose. Up and we’d end the war. How we’d build a peace between our kingdoms so future generations might grow up without the cloud of violence over their heads. If I’d stood aside and done nothing, if you’d taken your ships into legitimate battle to expel my father from Ithicana, it would have been oil on the flames of the Endless War. Not that you’d have lived to see it, because if you didn’t manage to martyr yourself in battle, you’d have been executed as a traitor for having failed to follow Petra’s orders. I’d have been left alive with a shattered heart in the ashes of a future that you burned, and I challenge you protests to the contrary, I expect that Aren will be unable to resist sticking his nose into this rebellion. to tell me that’s not a fucking betrayal, Valcotta.”
She flinched, then erased the slap of his words with vitriol of her own. “You didn’t betray me for Maridrina. You betrayed me for yourself. Because you couldn’t stand to let me go.”
“Hypocrisy abounds, because we both know that you betrayed me not because it was the only path forward, not even because it was the best path forward, but because it satisfied your honor, your need for atonement, and your desire for vengeance.”
Zarrah’s lips parted to deny deny deny, but no words came because she had no breath. “I …” she managed to say, then broke off to gulp in a mouthful of air. “I did it because it was the right thing to do.”
Silence.
“I don’t know,” Keris finally said, “whether you are lying to me or whether you are lying to yourself.”
Instinct demanded that she lash out. That she stab the knife of his own failings and twist it deep, but Keris. Truly, I am. But this is my fight. I need to focus on Valcotta. You need to go back to Maridrina.”instead Zarrah forced herself to ask her heart that same question. The truth that rose up from the depths of her soul made her eyes burn with tears. “Neither do I.”
Keris’s throat moved as though he were swallowing hard. “I told myself I had no regrets for turning my father on Eranahl to keep you out of the battle. That saving your life was worth any price. But …”
Rising to his feet, Keris walked toward her, the intensity in his azure eyes causing Zarrah’s stomachHe turned away, eyes fixed on the sea. “There was a moment where we were unified and all things were possible, and somehow I … somehow we lost that beneath the weight of more selfish motivations. I regret my part. Wish there was a way to find my way back to that place.”
Grief settled upon her, drowning out every other emotion and leaving the world faded and grey.
Because he was right.
But so was her aunt.
For all they’d been unified in their desires, it was their desire for each other that ensured their dreams would fail. He was the King of Maridrina. She intended to become the Empress of Valcotta.
For there to be a true and lasting peace, they needed to be wholly dedicated to their people, which would never happen if they spent their nights in each other’s arms. “We can’t go back, Keris. I won’t.”
The icy wind pulled a lock of his hair loose from the tie at the back of his head, sending it fluttering like a strand of cornsilk across his face as he gave a slow nod. “I love you, Zarrah. You say that I don’t know what love is, and maybe that’s true. Maybe there is some part of me missing or broken that ensures I don’t feel things like a better man would, but I know the way I feel about you consumes me. That it gives me breath even as it steals the air from my lungs. Makes my heart beat even as it cuts it from my chest. What word I give it matters little. What matters is that even after my bones are dust and my name lost to history and history lost to time, I will feel this way for you.”