“Oh, making you look more likeable because you had enough sense in that pea-sized brain of yours to ask me to fake marry you?”
“You’re foul to be around,” I say.
Her eyebrows shoot up and then her eyes grow round with anger. “I’m foul to be around? Uh, hello pot, it’s kettle . . . you’re black. Also, I’m not sure how I could be foul to be around when clearly I’m the life of this borderline Hallmark movie we’ve been living in the past two hours.” Still whispering, she says, “I’m twenty-eight years old, and I’m having to talk about marriage, babies, and what kind of linens I like to use on my bed. Shoot. Me. Now.”
“Then talk about something you like,” I say.
“Oh, you want me to do that? Shall I discuss the latest dildo I purchased from an exotic website? Because it has a suction cup and I love using it in the shower.”
Jesus.
Christ.
I shift in my seat and turn more toward her. “Do not bring that up.”
She smirks. “But I thought you wanted me to talk about what I wanted to talk about.”
“This is why you’re foul to be around.”
“Coming from the one with the stick up their ass.” Her eyes travel to my lips and then back up. “You’re unpleasant.”
“You’re unhinged.”
“You open your mouth and put people to sleep,” she snaps back.
“You’re obnoxious.”
“You’re an ass.”
“You’re bawdy.”
“You’re imperious.”
“Aww, look at them,” Ellie says, coming back outside. “They’re so cute, aren’t they, Dave?”
“They do look quite perfect for each other.”
If only they knew.
I smile at Lottie and stroke the side of her face lovingly before turning toward Ellie and Dave and the tray of mini trifle cups they’re carrying.
“I meant to make peach cobbler, but just yesterday peaches started to make me sick to my stomach, so I hope everyone likes strawberry shortcake.” Ellie turns to Lottie. “Lottie, I’ll have to share the recipe with you. It’s to die for.”
Lottie lifts off me, but still keeps her hand touching my leg. “I’d absolutely love that, Ellie.” Lottie squeezes my leg tightly as she sits up, and I know exactly what that squeeze means.
She’d rather be caught dead than trade recipes with Ellie.
Do you know what’s been the worst part of this evening?
Not having to dodge couples’ questions from Ellie left and right.
Not having to pretend to touch Lottie’s flat stomach on occasion, like Dave does to Ellie’s slightly rounded one.
And not having to see a man I respected in the boardroom shrink to a shell of a man who falls in line with everything Ellie has to say.
Nor is it the idea that Lottie has a goddamn suction-cup dildo that she uses in the shower floating around in my head.
I can handle all of that.
What I can’t handle is not being able to cash in on one minute of alone time with Dave. I haven’t been able to talk about the deal once. I haven’t even been able to mention it, because it’s not something I’d do around Ellie and Lottie. Business should be kept separate from “family time,” but I thought I would’ve been able to sneak away with Dave at some point. But everywhere I look, Ellie has her claws dug into Dave, and he’s the happiest motherfucker about it.
Ellie yawns. “Oh, what a night. I’ve had such a wonderful time.”
“Me too.” Lottie yawns as well and then pats my chest. “But we should probably get going. We don’t want to keep you from getting that important beauty rest . . . right, Dave?”
Dave laughs and nods. “Oh yes, Lottie, you know I need that beauty rest or I’ll be a nightmare to look at in the morning.”
“I’d say intimidation is never a bad thing for a man in your position,” Lottie says, “but after spending the evening with you, I’m going to assume that’s not your MO.”
“You’d be correct. Very perceptive, Lottie.”
She pretends to bow. “Thank you.” And then she turns to me. “Are you ready, sweet cheeks?”
Don’t care for that nickname, either.
“I’m ready.” I stand from my chair and hold out my hand, and she takes it so I can help her up as well. I then turn to Dave and offer my hand for a shake, realizing this is the end of the night and we haven’t discussed a goddamn thing. “Dave, thank you for having us over tonight. It was a pleasure getting to know Ellie.”