“We weren’t particularly interesting,” I say. Good marriages are never as interesting as bad affairs.
“Did you ever go back to Tom Lake?” Nell asks.
“You mean, did we ever drive down to see a show?”
“A show,” she says, “or, I don’t know, did you ever just walk around for old times’ sake?”
I do not explain that “old times’ sake” is a condition of fond nostalgia. “We never did. You know how it is in the summer.”
“I guess Duke never went back either,” Maisie says. Maisie has never been as interested in Duke as her sisters. She has no trouble letting him go.
“Duke was too famous to go back to Tom Lake after that summer,” Emily says.
She’s right about that. “On your way up or on your way out.”
“So you never saw him again.” Emily has made her peace with this, and I give serious consideration to leaving that in place, peace being a hard commodity to come by in this world. But one thing is left, the part of the story I wouldn’t have told her when she was young because there would have been no context for it, the part of the story I couldn’t have told her when she was a teenager because she would have submitted it into evidence against me. And so I’ve held it all these years, the random thing she would most want to add to her collection of ephemera.
“Once,” I say.
He came to the house in October of 1997. Dates near the end of the last century are easy for me to remember based on the season and who I was pregnant with, in this case Nell, who was due in a matter of weeks. That meant Maisie was two and Emily four. I liked being pregnant. I was good at it. Joe and I had decided that two was the right number of children, but once we’d had them for a while, we wanted more. One more baby, we whispered to each other when the snow was starting to melt, one more under the wire, a terrible extravagance we could in no way afford, but we did it anyway. We went back to bed.
There was no best time in northern Michigan, only the time that best suited you. I was partial to fall because I liked the sharpness of the air and the brightness of the light on the leaves. The kitchen was still small in those days and I kept the girls in there with me while I peeled potatoes for dinner. They were making jam tarts, which meant they were smearing jam into their hair. I picked Maisie up when I heard the knock on the door, giving her my stomach for a perch. Emily, my big girl, followed on her own. Someone was always knocking, a neighbor needing me to watch a baby for an hour or a neighbor bringing a pie because I had watched the baby the day before, someone from the picking crew needing Band--Aids or eggs or butter or salt, or it was a stranger driving by who wanted to know our price on apples because the fruit stand was closed.
The enormous black SUV with black--tinted windows idling in front of the house called to mind drug lords, federal agents, movie stars. Duke had knocked on the door and then stepped back to admire the pumpkin patch Joe had planted for the girls. His sunglasses were tortoise shell, round. If time had marched for the rest of us, it had left Duke alone. He was exactly the same, or he was lovelier, his complexion all snow and roses, his hair curling gently at the collar of his navy peacoat. I guess the cop show was a long time ago. Circumstance would dictate that I should have been the one who was surprised, but Duke took the honor for himself. He didn’t have the slightest idea what I was doing there. When I opened the screen door and said his name he looked back down the drive like maybe he’d taken a wrong turn into the past, then looked at me again, me and my girls, I wouldn’t say in horror because it wasn’t horror, exactly, more like acute discomfort. “What are you doing here?” he asked finally.
“I live here.” Whatever he’d come for, it wasn’t me.
“This is the Nelson farm?” Was he even thinner now? Somehow taller? Was it possible that every part of him had been polished?
“Duke,” I said, “this is weird. Why are you here?”
He took off his sunglasses and I saw the tiny scar at the corner of his right eye where his brother had hit him. He pressed his eyes closed, then covered them with his hand as if maybe he expected that when he took his hand away again I’d be gone. He was wearing a wedding ring.
I was still there.
And so he tried to restart the moment, begin again. “These are yours?” he asked. Maisie pressed her sticky face into the side of my neck. I hoisted her up to resettle her bones on top of the baby inside me. Emily looped one arm around my thigh and with the other hand gave Duke a charming wave. I made the introductions and he said their names aloud, bent from the waist. He was still making children’s movies in those days, or he was just at the end of that era, I couldn’t remember, but he had a very nice smile for children, a completely different smile from the one that was familiar to me, or maybe it was just that his teeth had been fixed. Those beautiful, wonky teeth had been ground off and replaced.
He straightened up. “A couple used to live here, the Nelsons.”
I nodded. “Ken and Maisie. They moved to Arizona to live with their daughter. Well, Ken died a few years ago, but Maisie comes back every summer.”
“I met them a long time ago, and I was just—-” He stopped to scan the fields again, as if the word that eluded him was out there. “I was nearby.”
“You met them with me.” Maisie was getting heavy and I set her on her feet. The girls went straight down the steps and started kicking leaves. “Remember? You and me and Sebastian and Pallace? We drove up here for lunch.”
He thought about that for a while and then I saw the light click on. It was as if he had just come into his body. “You wanted to stop and get them something,” he said. “We swam in a lake.”
“Right.”
“And you live here now?”
I nodded. I was wondering if he would put it together but I doubted it. He had no incentive.
“Can I look inside?”
“Sure.” I held the door open, turning my stomach at an angle. When he walked past me I expected something, a kiss on the cheek? He went right to the kitchen. “It’s messy,” I called out.
“I’m making dinner.” Then I was irritated with myself for anything that sounded like an apology. What the hell, Duke? That’s what I should have said. I stayed on the threshold, keeping an eye on the girls. I could see him, his hand on a chair, taking it in.
“It’s just the same,” I heard him say, though he may have been talking to himself. “I remember this table.”
“We want to make the kitchen bigger.”
In a minute he came back. “Don’t. It’s perfect. Did you buy the place?”
“I married in.” The girls were rolling now, then stopping to flutter their arms and legs. They were putting on a leaf show, which required an audience. “I married Ken and Maisie’s nephew.”
“Oh,” he said. I could read nothing into that. Not disappointment or relief or surprise.
“Did you come to see Maisie?” My daughter, who we called little Maisie in the summers when big Maisie was here, lifted her golden head.
“It was such a good day,” he said. “The day I was here. Someone told me years ago that I should always have a place in my mind where I could imagine myself happy, so that when I wasn’t so happy I could go there. Anyway, this is the place I go.”