“But bringing it up every five minutes is so much fun.”
Poppy jerked up the edge of her blanket, but I caught the small grin before her mouth disappeared beneath it.
“I’m not pretending none of that stuff happened,” she said after a few moments. “It’s just that…”
“That it shouldn’t have happened?” I asked, no longer teasing. What did she think about what had happened under the willow? I didn’t need to know, but I wanted to know.
“It’s just that I’m not supposed to…do any of that,” she said finally. “You know that. I am the Maiden.”
But that wasn’t who she was. “And how do you really feel about that, Poppy?”
She was quiet for so long, I didn’t think she’d answer. “I don’t want it. I don’t want to be given to the gods.” The moment she spoke, the rest came out in a rush that sounded almost painful. “And then, after that, if there is an after part, I don’t want to be married off to someone I’ve never met, who will probably…”
“Probably what?” I asked softly.
“Who will probably be…” Poppy sighed. “You know how Royals are. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and flaws, well, they are unacceptable. If I end up as an Ascended, I’m sure whoever the Queen pairs me with will be the same.”
I had to take a deep breath because I feared I may start cursing. Loudly. I hated the Ascended for a lot of reasons, but this? How they’d made Poppy feel as if she were flawed? Someone to be ashamed of? This had moved to the top of the reasons to hate them.
“Duke Teerman was a cunt,” I bit out. “And I’m glad he’s dead.”
Her laugh was forceful but quick. “Oh, gods, that was loud.”
I smiled, uncaring if her laugh drew a horde of Craven. “It’s okay.”
“He was definitely that, but it’s…even if I didn’t have these scars, I wouldn’t be excited. I don’t understand how Ian did it. He barely even knew his wife, and I…I don’t think he’s happy,” she said, and it was clear that bothered her. “He never speaks about her, and that’s sad, because our parents loved each other. He should have that.”
And why shouldn’t she have that? “I heard that your mother refused to Ascend.”
“It’s true. My father was a firstborn son. He was wealthy, but he wasn’t Chosen,” she told me. “Mom was a Lady in Wait when they met. It was accidental. His father—my grandfather—was close to King Jalara. My father went to the castle with him once, and that’s when he saw my mother. Supposedly, it was love at first sight.” She wiggled a little inside her cocoon. “I know that sounds silly, but I believe it. It happens—at least for some.”
“It’s not silly. It does exist.” I lifted my gaze to the branches and the dark leaves, chest hollowing. What would happen to her once she was returned to the Blood Queen? Would they give her my brother’s blood and turn her into a cold, soulless monster? Would they marry her off to some bastard like the Duke? My chest tightened. I couldn’t—
I couldn’t what? Let that happen? I almost laughed. Once the deal was made, Poppy would become the Maiden once more. She would become that again long before that moment.
I shook my head. “Is that why you were at the Red Pearl? Looking for love?”
“I don’t think someone goes looking for love there,” she said dryly.
“You never know what you’ll find there.” I sure as hell hadn’t. “What did you find, Poppy?”
“Life.”
“Life?”
Her head nodded. “I just want to experience things before my Ascension. There’s so much I haven’t experienced. You know that. I didn’t go there looking for anything in particular. I just wanted to experience—”
“Life,” I finished. “I get it.”
“Do you? Really?”
There was so much hope in her words that I knew I’d been right to talk with Kieran about an exit strategy for her. “I do. Everyone around you can do basically whatever they want, but you’re shackled by archaic rules.”
“Are you saying that the word of the gods is archaic?”
“You said it, not me.”
“I’ve never understood why it is the way it is,” she admitted, so quietly it was barely above a whisper. “All because of the way I was born.”
“The gods chose you before you were even born.” My chest brushed her back. “All because you were ‘born in the shroud of the gods, protected even inside the womb, veiled from birth.’”
“Yes. Sometimes, I wish…I wish I was…”
“What?” I waited.
And waited.
“Never mind,” she said eventually. “And I don’t sleep well. That’s another reason why I was at the Pearl.”
“Nightmares?”
“Sometimes. Other times, my head doesn’t…go quiet. It replays things over and over.”
I knew that all too well. “What is your mind so loud about?”
There was another wiggle from inside her cocoon. “Lately, it’s been the Ascension.”
“I imagine you’re excited to meet the gods.” I rolled my eyes.
She let out that cute little snort. “Far from it. It actually terrifies—” She stopped herself with a sudden inhale.
“It’s okay,” I told her, relieved that she felt that way. “I don’t know much about the Ascension and the gods, but I’d be terrified to meet them.”
“You?” Disbelief flooded her voice. “Terrified?”
“Believe it or not, some things do scare me. The secrecy around the actual ritual of the Ascension is one of them.” And that was true because I knew exactly how they Ascended others. What they were doing to my brother to make it happen. “You were right that day when you were with the Priestess,” I continued, choosing my words carefully. “It is so similar to what the Craven do, but what is done to stop aging—stop sickness for what has to be an eternity in the eyes of a mortal?”
“It’s the gods—their Blessing. They make themselves seen during the Ascension. To even look upon them changes you,” she shared, but her words were odd, hollow.
“They must be a sight to behold,” I replied dryly. “I’m surprised.”
“About?”
“You. You’re just not what I expected.”
She surprised me each time we talked. Either it was curiosity and her questions, her thirst for knowledge and understanding. Or simply what she thought. Believed. Her hopes. Fears. All of it. But what really surprised me was that curiosity. How did she never see more than what the Ascended presented themselves as? How had she not recognized the inconsistencies? Seen through the lies?
But that wasn’t fair.
Recognizing and seeing those things would’ve collapsed her entire world. And it took more than bravery and strength to do that.
It took having nothing to lose.
Not even yourself.
“I should be asleep,” she said, drawing me from my thoughts. “So should you.”