Malik stared and then laughed. This time, it reminded me of one of his old laughs, and that hit me in the chest.
Hard.
I cleared my throat. “What?”
“It’s just…” Trailing off, he shook his head. “When we were kids, you were always at your lessons on time. I had to be tracked down. You learned what it took to handle land disputes and which crops grew best where, and I forgot everything the moment our tutors were gone. You always would’ve made a better King than me.” His gaze flicked back to mine. “And yet, I get the impression you don’t want to be King.”
“Being King meant accepting that you were dead,” I said, and his mouth tensed. “Or, at the very least, incapable of ruling. So, maybe when I was younger and jealous of what you had, I wanted that, but I don’t now.”
“But you did it anyway,” he said quietly.
“Poppy took the throne,” I reminded him. “She superseded all of us. She is the Queen. I am the King because of her. If she had chosen differently? Our mother and father would still sit on that throne. It would still be yours.” Anger festered. “Hell, it could’ve been yours years before Poppy arrived in Atlantia if you had come home.”
“I couldn’t.” Malik pushed off the wall, anger flaring in his eyes. “I wouldn’t leave Millie alone, and it’s not like you wouldn’t have done the same thing. You just admitted that you’d abdicate the throne for her. And I’m sure you’ve done a whole lot of other shit for her that goes against what is right or wrong. So how about you knock off this self-righteousness a bit, okay? You’re no better than me—”
“I never said I was,” I seethed, stepping toward him. “I spent the last fucking century torn up, thinking about what was being done to you, exactly the kind of horrors they were putting you through. All the while knowing that I…it was my actions that put you there.”
Malik went rigid. “Cas—”
“If I hadn’t been so foolishly obsessed with proving myself, I wouldn’t have gotten captured. You never would’ve had to come for me. That is an inarguable fact. It wasn’t Shea who put you there. It was me, so I drowned in that guilt until I learned to exist with it.” My nostrils flared as my lips flattened against my teeth. “And look, I don’t blame you for doing what you needed to do to survive, playing whatever fucked-up game you had to. I don’t blame you for staying because of Millicent. And the shit with Poppy when she was a child? I’m not going to even think about that because it makes me want to fucking choke you. But you know what I can’t understand? Your silence. You could’ve sent word to me. You could’ve let me know you were surviving.”
Malik held my stare, his jaw working.
“You had to know what I was doing these last several years to free you,” I told him, hands clenching. “All the people I’ve killed? Those I’ve harmed? Those who died to free you? But no. You just let me exist all these fucking years fearing, believing I would be too late. That you would be dead or beyond help, consumed by the guilt—” I cut myself off, taking a step back, and it took me a moment before I could trust myself to speak again. “Why didn’t you send word?”
“It’s not…” Malik swallowed, head still shaking. “I thought about it, Cas. A hundred times. A thousand.”
“Then why?” I asked, voice hoarse. “You could’ve told me that you’d joined them. You could’ve said anything.”
“That’s not true, and you know it.”
“Bullshit.” I started to turn before I did something I’d thoroughly enjoy at the moment but might regret later.
Malik moved fast, blocking the door. “You want to have this conversation now? Then we’re going to have it. If I sent word and told you that I’d joined the Blood Crown, would you have believed me? Or would you have thought it was some sort of farce?”
My head snapped back to him.
“Would it have stopped anything you did?” he demanded, the centers of his cheeks flushing with anger. “And if I told you about her? Would you have even believed I’d found my heartmate? Back then? Because I know you wouldn’t have. You didn’t really believe in it. Neither did I. So, you would’ve still done what you’ve been doing.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I spat, and fuck, maybe he was. “But there had to be other options, Malik. You could’ve said anything, starting with the truth—”
“I didn’t want you coming after me!” Malik shouted, shoving me. “I didn’t want you anywhere near the capital—”
“But I already was!” I yelled, pushing him right back. “Not saying anything sure as fuck didn’t prevent it.”
“I know that. Gods, do I fucking know. But I was fucked, Cas. Damned if I did, damned if I didn’t,” he said, chest rising and falling. “Because I knew if I told you the truth about what Isbeth was trying, you would’ve dropped your plans to free me. You wouldn’t have gone for her. Instead, you would’ve come straight to the capital.” He jabbed his finger at the doors. “And if I told you that I’d joined the Blood Crown, you still would’ve come straight to the capital under the pretense of doing the same thing. And if you had? What do you think Isbeth would’ve done?”
“You knew her better than me,” I snapped. “You tell me.”
Malik’s smile was a cruel twist. “You’d be dead.”
I barked out a harsh, short laugh. “Doubtful.”
“Oh, you really think that?” His laugh mirrored mine. “I think you’re forgetting the original plan, the one where Isbeth had no need of you. It was supposed to be me who Ascended Poppy when the time was right.”
My head cranked to the side, lips peeling back as I grabbed Malik by the collar of his shirt and slammed him into the wall.
“Growl at me all you want, Cas, but the truth is, Isbeth had no need of you before you went off and decided to take the Maiden. She hadn’t planned on that. She’d just adapted her plans, but if you had come for me before that? She would’ve made me kill you.” Malik swept his arms up, knocking mine aside. Then he was right in my face. “Isbeth knew about Millie—what she is for me. And trust me when I say she took every opportunity to use that as leverage. She would’ve made me choose, Cas. Millie or you.”
I stiffened.
“And I wouldn’t have relied on whatever motherly bond she might have had.” His stare held mine. “Because they can dish out worse things than death, as you are well aware. So I think you know what I would’ve chosen.”
I did.
I turned from him, shoving a hand through my hair. Because I knew exactly what I would’ve done if the situation were reversed. Fuck.
“I hated it,” Malik added quietly. “Knowing you were out there, risking your life to free me. I wanted nothing more than for you to return home and forget about me—”
“I never would’ve been able to do that.” I faced him.
“I know, but I wanted it.” His shoulders tensed. “I wanted you to go home and live without guilt, because you wouldn’t have needed to feel as if you had to prove yourself if I’d been a better brother—a better heir.”