But the mind, man…it liked to ignore that.
Still, I wouldn’t forget that the shame wasn’t mine.
“It was by accident—the first time I realized that pain could stop it all, just like sex,” I forced myself to say. I needed her to know, even if she couldn’t hear me. I needed to hear myself say it aloud. “I was training, getting my muscles to relearn how to be quick with a sword and even quicker with my feet, but it was too soon. I was still stuck too deep in my head. I wasn’t that present, even though Naill, who was working with me, didn’t notice.”
A dry, hateful laugh left me. “I learned how to hide it well from those I could. So, I slipped up, and he cut my chest. It wasn’t deep, but that bright, sharp pain didn’t thrust me back into the cage like I thought it would. Instead, it just…it silenced everything. It stunned me enough that it got through all that shit in my head. It stopped the thoughts, and gods, just having a minute of not being back there, not thinking about Malik or what I did or didn’t do…
Just a fucking minute of silence was like getting release.
Not just a physical one, but a mental one. Because there was this sense of calm afterward. Clarity.”
A tremor went through me.
“Sometimes, I used a blade. Other times, my fangs.” My jaw worked. “Relief came the moment I saw red. Clearness. And it took way less effort than the sex did.”
Another hard laugh left me as I shook my head. “The thing, though, Poppy? It didn’t last. It was only another escape. Except I was now hurting myself instead of another hurting me. You’d think I would’ve realized that right off the bat, but it took getting it out. Talking. I know that sounds cliché as fuck, but it’s the truth. Because while that was painful in a different kind of way, the release of putting all that nasty shit into words actually lasted.”
And it really had.
Of course, talking hadn’t been an immediate miracle fix. Talking that shit out took time. A whole lot of redirection. It took being honest, which wasn’t always easy when the natural reaction was to say that I was okay, even when I was a storm waiting to ignite on the inside.
I brushed my lips over the top of her head. “No one knows about any of that—what I used to do to escape everything.” My throat felt thick. “Except for Kieran. He knows. He had no choice with the bond.” And here came the real fucked-up thing to acknowledge.
“What I was doing to myself was weakening him. You’d think that would’ve been enough to snap me out of it, seeing what it was doing to him, but it wasn’t. I was too lost in my head, though not lost enough that I didn’t know how fucking selfish it made me.”
“You weren’t selfish, Cas. You were in pain.”
A ragged breath went through me as my arms reflexively tightened around Poppy.
“Please, tell me you know that now.”
Opening my eyes, I looked down at the hand that held one of Poppy’s, one belonging to the only person I would trust irrevocably to touch her that way—to stay with her earlier while she was most vulnerable as I hastily cleaned the blood and sweat from myself. “I do.”
“Really?”
Taking another breath, I turned my head to where Kieran sat beside me, his shoulder against mine. He looked too damn solemn. “I forget that sometimes, but I do.”
“It’s okay to forget,” he said, his gaze searching mine. “As long as you remember later.”
A wry grin tugged at my lips.
“Yeah, I know.” I swallowed. “I just wished I hadn’t put you through that.”
“I wish you hadn’t had to go through any of that shit,” he countered. “We can’t change anything, though.”
“No, we can’t.”
Kieran held my stare, then looked down at Poppy. “Does she know the truth about Shea?”
I shook my head.
“You ever going to tell her?” he asked.
“I will.”
“She’s not going to judge you.” He moved his thumb over her knuckles as his gaze rose to meet mine. “If anyone understands, I think it will be her.”
“I know.” I tipped my head back against the wall. “It’s just…that’s something she needs to be awake to learn.”
Kieran was quiet for a moment.
“I still can’t believe you were with her in the Red Pearl.” He laughed quietly.
“Shocked the hell out of me.”
“You and me both.”
He grinned, and a little bit of silence seeped into the chamber. It wasn’t bad like before. I was a little more relaxed with Kieran here, knowing that everyone was doing everything they could to give Poppy time.
Time.
It made me think of how my plans had begun to snap into motion after the Red Pearl.
My mind went to what had followed the meeting at the Red Pearl. I thought of the good man who’d had to die. The innocents who’d been slaughtered. The bad ones who needed to be punished.
And the bravery of a Maiden.
EMPTY GARDEN
The Maiden had not gone into the garden the previous night, nor had she been in the shadowy alcoves this morning while I trained. No doubt her late-night…adventures explained her absence. She didn’t realize I knew who she was, but I imagined she’d do her best to avoid me.
However, that would soon change—hell, it should’ve changed already.
But our plans got delayed when I received word from Jericho that she hadn’t shown in the garden just before dusk.
What had prevented her from going into the garden?
Had she been caught upon her return to the castle? I didn’t think so. Jansen hadn’t mentioned it when I saw him earlier. He would’ve heard if the Maiden had gotten herself into trouble and relayed the information to me.
I tore my attention from the ancient willow. The damn thing fascinated me. Atlantia had none of those trees that I could recall. Stars blanketed the sky as I walked the castle’s inner wall, scanning the grounds below. Impatience made my skin as tight as hunger did. The garden was empty, and it shouldn’t be. The only signs of life were in the courtyard near the stables, where Lieutenant Smyth currently berated a group of guards for something as irrelevant as unpolished boots. As if the Craven or any other enemy would notice someone’s footwear.
My attention flicked to the white mantle draped around Commander Jansen’s shoulders. He stood with a few Royal Guards outside one of the halls. The doors were open, the bright light shining out. From the wall, I could see groups of servants huddled together. That wasn’t something I saw often. The Teermans were notoriously demanding when it came to their servants. If one wasn’t actively busy, they knew to appear as if they were. None simply stood around.
Something had occurred.
A tall, dark-haired figure strode out from the hall, dressed in all black. My eyes narrowed as I gave the male’s pale, handsome features a once-over. I didn’t know much about this Lord, but I knew his name.
Lord Mazeen.
And he wasn’t alone.
The equally dark-haired Duchess Jacinda Teerman walked beside him, dressed in some frock of cyan blue. The Ascended was beautiful, no one could deny that, and when she smiled, she almost looked mortal. Alive. Compassionate. She was better at faking than most. Nearly as good as their Blood Queen, but her eyes were as cold and soulless as the rest. Three Royal Guards followed them.