“I get it,” I told her.
“You do?” Her brows rose. “You understand?”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” The coldness had faded from her voice.
“I said this to you before, shortly after everything, but I don’t think you heard me,” I said. “I should’ve said it again sooner. I’m sorry for everything that has happened. Vikter was a good man. Despite the last words we exchanged, I respected him.” I meant every word. “And I’m sorry that I couldn’t do anything.”
She stiffened. “Hawke—”
“I don’t know if me being there—like I should’ve been—would’ve changed the outcome,” I continued, “but I’m sorry that I wasn’t. That there was nothing I could do by the time I did get there. I’m sorry—”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” She rose, her hands falling to the skirt of her gown. “I don’t blame you for what happened. I’m not mad at you.”
“I know.” Part of me wished she was. I looked away from her, finding the Rise in the distance. “But that doesn’t change that I wish I would’ve done something that could’ve prevented this.”
“There are a lot of things I wish I would’ve done differently,” she shared. “If I’d gone to my room—”
“If you’d gone to your room, this still would’ve happened. Don’t put this on yourself.” I turned to her. She was staring at her hands. I placed my fingers beneath her chin, gently lifting her stare to mine. “You’re not to blame for this, Poppy. Not at all. If anything, I—” My heart lurched, and my throat dried. What had I been about to say? I drew in a shallow breath. “Don’t take on the blame that belongs to others. You understand?”
Her weary eyes searched mine. “Ten.”
“What?”
“Ten times, you’ve called me Poppy.”
I grinned, relaxing a little bit.
“I like calling you that, but I like calling you Princess more.”
“Shocker,” she replied.
My gaze tracked over the lines of her brows, the delicate arch of them, and the proud scar cutting through the left one. I thought about how I’d felt after Malik had been taken—after Shea’s death. There had been moments when I’d felt too much, and others when I felt nothing at all. And the latter? There had been shame in that. I imagined she was going through something similar. Grief, then nothing, and perhaps even normalcy, then guilt for feeling somewhat okay.
Holding her gaze, I lowered my chin. “It’s okay, you know?”
“What is?”
“Everything that you’re feeling and everything that you’re not.”
Her chest rose with a sharp inhale, then she moved fast, wrapping her arms around me. A jolt of surprise ran through me, but before I knew it, my arms were around her. I embraced her as tightly as she held me, folding my hand around the back of her head as she pressed her cheek to my chest. She needed this.
Maybe I did, too.
We held each other for a while, and I thought that maybe in a different life, I would’ve been built just for this.
But this wasn’t my life.
And it wouldn’t be hers.
Leaning back, I caught sight of the wisps of hair that always seemed to escape her braid. I smoothed them back.
“I did come here with a purpose. The Duchess needs to speak with you.”
Poppy briefly closed her eyes.
“And you’re just telling me now?”
“Figured what we had to say to each other was far more important.”
“I don’t think the Duchess would agree,” she said. “It’s time for me to find out how I’ll be punished for what I…for what I did to the Lord, isn’t it?”
I frowned. “If I thought I was delivering you for punishment, I wouldn’t be taking you there.”
Her eyes widened. “Where would you take me?”
“Somewhere far from here,” I said, a little stunned by the truth of my words. It caused a lurching sensation in my chest again. “You’re being summoned because word has come from the capital.”
PRESENT IX
I fell silent as
I lay at Poppy’s side, thinking about the days after the night of the Rite. I could still hear Poppy’s screams so clearly that thinking of them even now caused me to flinch.
I knew learning what Vikter really was hadn’t lessened the blow of his loss.
“Those days when you slept and I watched over you?” I said, “It makes me think about what Kieran must have gone through when I first returned home. The situations were different, and I stayed much longer in that grief and anger, even long past awakening.”
I curled my arm around her waist. “And everything with the Duke? Knowing what you had to deal with—how it made you feel? How I know it still gets to you sometimes?”
And I knew it did.
Sometimes, it was when she slept, her memories taking her back to the Duke’s study.
It was how she’d go unnaturally still on the rare instance someone mentioned Duke Teerman.
We didn’t go through the same shit, but trauma was trauma. It affected everyone differently, but it always affected.
I cleared my throat. “I used to tell myself that what was done to me didn’t matter because I’d processed it.
Dealt with that shit. But telling myself that proved I hadn’t really dealt with it. Because what I experienced will always matter in some way—sometimes, insignificantly and barely noticeable, and other times, it can ruin your entire fucking day. But that’s okay. And I mean that. Because saying someone chooses to live in the past, rehashing bad shit done to them, is bullshit. You can’t choose that. Things inside you? Parts of your mind and body that you don’t control decide that. And it took a hell of a long time for me to learn that what I can control is how I act in response to those memories—to those emotional wounds.
How I treat myself. How I treat others because of it. It’s not as simple as saying that. I know. Nothing is simple.”
I inhaled deeply. “Even though my idiotic actions led to my capture, I know what was done to me wasn’t my fault. Took a long time for me to understand that, but I do.
How I respond to it? Figuring out a good way to deal with it was my responsibility.” I smiled at her. “But I think you already know that. Because you deal with all you’ve gone through. I just wanted you to know that when you feel like you’re not dealing?” I leaned over, kissing her cheek.
“It’s okay.”
Pressing another kiss to the bridge of her nose, I settled back beside her. “I should’ve known something was up with the Duchess when she had no problem with me being in your chambers, but things always seem different in hindsight, don’t they? I couldn’t even consider then that they knew who I was and not only allowed me to take you but practically helped facilitate it.”
My gaze shifted to the ceiling.
It still amazed me how much Isbeth had manipulated or controlled, but in the end, even with all her plotting and planning, she failed when it came to Poppy.
I turned my head to her. For Isbeth to bring Kolis back to full power, she had chosen to sacrifice someone she loved and decided to let her heartmate go over her daughter—her daughters. Fuck.