I swallow. “Um.”
Theo’s hand comes to rest on my back, right under my cropped tank top. My skin is sticky with exertion and fear. “We don’t have to keep going.”
I force myself not to look down, instead focusing my gaze straight ahead, where the canyon seems to go on infinitely, the monolithic rocks curving into the horizon. It’s so beautiful that my throat goes tight. “I want to get to the top. I’m just scared.”
He lets out a shaky breath. “Me too. But I’m with you, I want to get to the top.”
I take one step, toeing out to the unprotected path.
“Be so fucking careful, Noelle,” he says, his voice deepening. “Take your time. Don’t rush it, okay?”
“Okay.” But the word is so quiet that the air snatches it away, and I don’t know if he hears me at all.
We go silent, not even words of encouragement shared between us. The last portion is a straight climb up. Behind me, Theo’s breath saws in and out, and the cadence of it, the fact that I’m hearing it at all, sends a supernatural calm through my body.
And then we’re there. The earth flattens out and spits us onto a plateau. It feels like we’re at the very top of the world.
I tip my chin up, hands on my hips, trying to grab my breath back. The sky is so close. If I could just reach my hand up, and Gram could just reach hers down . . . maybe we could meet again. It’s the closest I’ve felt to her since she died.
I turn to Theo to say something profound, but he cups my cheek in his hand and presses his body and lips to mine. It’s a soft, tender embrace. He’s winded; his mouth opens over mine for a few gulps of air before he pouts his lips again, giving me one plucking kiss, then another.
“Holy shit,” he breathes out. He inspects my face, devouring every curve and corner like he’s reassuring himself that we didn’t in fact fall to our deaths. Then he kisses me again, this time deeper. I grip his forearms, sinking into the feeling of him, the hard beat of my heart and the shaking fear and exhilaration in my muscles.
“Look at the view,” I say against his mouth when we pull back for a breath.
His thumb grazes over the plane of my cheek. “I am.”
He holds me in his gaze for a beat, and right then, I know he really sees me. Then he turns, dropping his hand from my face as my chest swells, curling an arm over my shoulders so we can take it in together.
The sky is an endless, sun-bleached blue, the earth split into two beneath it. The canyons on either side are an ombre of red, pink, orange, and white, topped with trees. They’re massive, jagged, and ancient, layered from millions of years of microscopic, patient movements interrupted by cataclysmic events. It feels like life, those slow, steady moments of everyday routines, and the cracks made by life-changing things: love, death, other losses.
“God, I miss this.”
I look over at Theo, at the wonder painted on his face. “What?”
He gestures out in front of us. “This. Traveling. Living. I don’t know.”
“You haven’t been living?”
“I don’t think so,” he says, his eyes wandering over the view.
I don’t think I have, either. It’s certainly never felt like this.
I lean my cheek against his shoulder, scooting closer as his arm tightens around me. “All right, so what would Theo Spencer do if he were really living?”
His shoulder lifts in a sigh. “I’d do this, but for longer. Travel all over the place.”
The image plants itself inside my head, though I have no right to think it: my sand-crusted skin pressed up against Theo’s on some beach, a sweating drink next to each of us, tasting the ocean on his lips. Exploring new cities on the other side of the world together. Future things we haven’t agreed to.
Theo brushes his fingers along my bare shoulder, bringing me out of my secret thoughts. “You gonna take some pictures?”
I give him a look. “Do you even know me?”
He grins. “Let me take a picture of you first. Memorialize your success at not falling off the side of the mountain.”
“Just because I fell one time—” I try to sound annoyed, but his happiness is infectious, so I duck my head to hide my mirrored emotion, pulling my camera from my bag.
He frowns down at it after I hand it to him, until I take pity and show him where the shutter release is. “Just like this, so you can see through the viewfinder.” I push the camera up to his eye and he nods, then drops it an inch, squinting playfully over the top.
He points to a few feet away. “Go stand over there. In front of that bush so you’re not right on the edge.”
I make my way over, unable to wipe the stupid grin from my face. Theo’s adorable when he’s clueless and lethal when he’s playful. The combination of the two might destroy me.
“Noelle,” he calls, and I look over my shoulder just as he takes a picture. I’m still startled by the sound of my name in his mouth, so distracted by the thrill it sends spiraling in my stomach, that I don’t have a chance to school my expression. He grins knowingly. “Got you.”
When he pulls me onto a slab of rock after I’ve taken my pictures so we can read the letter from Gram, he winds his hand around my thigh, securing me to him even further. He has me so fully that I worry how I’m going to untangle myself when this is over.
But that’s not for me to worry about right now. Instead, I open the letters and read Gram’s words from my spot on top of the world.
January 26, 1957
My dearest Paul,
I thought being with you without my parents’ blessing would be terrifying. It’s scary, but so much less so because I have you.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. We have until the school year’s over before we discuss our next steps. Eventually, I’ll have to tell my family, and I don’t know if this happiness will last or if it’ll be taken away again. I could write a thousand lists to help prepare myself, but just like with that damn dinner, it won’t make a difference. Anything could happen in the future. Good, bad, who knows?
Tonight, after you dropped me off at home, I decided that I’m going to let myself be happy right now. I’m going to do this for me, for you, and not concern myself with what ifs or the future.
I’m telling you this so that if I start worrying or making lists, you can help me push it aside. Right here and now is exactly where I want to be.
Yours in this moment,
Kat
Twenty-One
If Theo and I don’t have sex soon, I’m going to lose it.
We spend one more night at the Zion Airbnb. With Paul just down the hall and us exposed in the living room, we’re too paranoid to get into a situation we can’t easily extract ourselves from. The trauma for all would be lasting and complete.
Still, it’s hard to hold back, and we have to keep reminding each other not to take it too far that night when we’re tangled up in bed together.
“Fuck, I want you,” Theo breathes into the dark. He presses his cheek to mine as his hand makes magic between my legs. “We have hotel rooms in Bryce, right?”
I nod, too close to formulate words.
“Good. Tomorrow you’re mine, Shepard,” he whispers, catching my mouth with his to muffle my quiet moan as I come.