Once, I dream of the Unveiling Ceremony. But when I stagger out of the enchanted pool, it’s General Yu who gazes down at me from the King’s throne, a half smile twisting his face.
“Look what you’ve done.” He holds up his arms. From his hands, my father’s and Tien’s severed heads hang, blood dripping to the floor. “Catch,” he calls, and throws them to me.
I wake up, a scream dying on my lips.
There’s nothing more I’d like to do than try to escape. To go back home. But every time I consider it, the General’s threat comes back to me, along with the sound of the guard’s club coming down onto the servant woman’s head on the bridge outside Royal Court. And I remember that if I fail, I might not even have a home to return to.
After a month at the palace, I’ve barely improved in any of our lessons. When my attempt at the fan dance Madam Chu is teaching us ends with my fan flinging from my grip after I shake it too vigorously and hitting her between the eyes—which unfortunately she couldn’t see the funny side of—she keeps me behind after class.
“But lunch—” I start hopelessly.
She flutters a winged arm. “Don’t you have a banquet tonight? You can miss one little meal.” Then, raising her voice, she calls, “You too, Wren-zhi.”
Wren pauses in the doorway, the other girls filing out past her. “Madam Chu?” she asks, turning.
“Practice with Lei-zhi. Maybe she’ll pick something up from you.” Then the swan-woman strides out the door, her feathers ruffling.
“Well,” I say into the silence. “At least we’ve got a Blue-free hour.”
Wren doesn’t laugh, but when she approaches me, her expression is a little softer than usual. “So, what are you having trouble with?”
“Um… all of it?”
She arches a brow. “Helpful.”
I sigh. “I don’t know. It’s just so… precise. I can’t control my body the way you can.”
“That’s what it looks like when I dance?” she says, a wrinkle creasing the tip of her nose. “Controlled?” I’m surprised—there’s hurt in her voice.
“No!” I say quickly. “That’s the point. You’re in control, but it’s like you’re not. Natural, that’s what I mean. It seems so natural to you.”
It’s true. I’ve watched Wren in our classes, and though she excels in all our lessons, dancing is where she comes alive. There’s an effortlessness about the way she moves that reminds me of the bird-form demons I used to watch flying over the mountains beyond our village. She is graceful. Free. When she dances, she loses her usual haughty, absent look, something gentle taking over her features—and sending a warm new sensation through me that I can’t quite place.
Wren collects a fan from the cabinet at the side of the room and flicks it open. “All right. Let’s start with something simple.” Her posture loosens, a slight bend in the knees, a tilt to her hips. Closing her eyes, she holds both arms to one side. She pauses here, and her stillness is as purposeful as movement. A shaft of muffled light filters in through the rice-paper walls of the rehearsal room, casting her outline in an amber glow, and my eyes trace the high arches of her cheekbones, limned in gold. As graceful as all the times I’ve watched her before, she draws the fan across her chest, rippling it like a wave.
Then she opens her eyes. “Your turn.”
“That’s simple?” I grumble as she hands the fan to me, our fingers brushing.
“Just try it.” But I’ve barely gotten into position when Wren stops me. “Not like that. You’re too forceful with your movements. You have to move more lightly. See?” Her eyes travel over my body. “Even the way you’re standing is wrong.”
A ripple of irritation runs through me. “I didn’t realize standing was on the list of Paper Girl requirements,” I retort. “I thought the King was more interested in the lying-down kind of activities.”
Her lips purse. “You don’t need to say it like that.”
“It’s true, though, isn’t it? What’s the point of all this, all these stupid lessons? There’s only one thing we’re really here to do.”
And I haven’t even been wanted for that.
The thought squirms into my head before I can stop it.
“You have to think about the future,” Wren says, frowning at me. “After this year, you’ll still have some role to play in the court. What do you want to do? Who do you want to be?”
“Not a dancer, that’s for sure.”
That earns a half smile from her. “Come on. At least try. You might be better at it than you know if you just focus. And you’ll never get better if you don’t give yourself a chance.”
I open my mouth to argue but catch myself. Because she’s right. I haven’t been giving it my all. Even though I’ve fallen into the routine of palace life, my heart isn’t in it.
How can it be? It’s still back in Xienzo, with my father and Tien, and a life I wish every day was still mine.
“Oh, fine,” I mutter, glowering. Tears are pricking my eyes now, and the last thing I want is to cry in front of Wren. Gritting my teeth, I give the movement she demonstrated a few more tries while she hovers nearby, providing pointers. I try to concentrate on the wave of my wrist, the tilt of my hips, but I can’t seem to get it right, I grow more frustrated with every minute. Without warning, Wren moves in close. Her fingers curl round my arm to pull it into position, and the intimacy of her touch, her nearness, flusters me, and I drop the fan.
“Focus!” she snaps.
I clench my jaw. “I am.”
“No, you’re not.”
I shrug her away from me. “Well, maybe I don’t want to perform well. Maybe I don’t want any of this.”
“And you think I do?” Underneath her usual stern tone there’s something delicate, almost broken. Her chin lifts, rich brown eyes regarding me. “None of us had a choice in this. But we do it for our families, because otherwise the King will—”
She stops abruptly. The end of her sentence hangs in the air between us.
I recall General Yu’s threat. Maybe it wasn’t just me that received one. Maybe the coins and riches showered on Paper Girls’ families are less a reward and more a reminder that the King has bought their daughters’ obedience. And if they break it…
“All right,” I sigh, picking up the fan. “Let’s try again.”
Half an hour—and many dropped fan incidents—later, Wren and I head back to Paper House. From outside Mistress Eira’s suite comes the chatter of the girls, the muffled footsteps of maids. Delicious food smells waft out, making my stomach growl. But when Wren moves to head straight in, I hold out a hand to stop her.
“Thank you,” I say. “For helping me. You were right. I haven’t really been trying.” I puff out air, rubbing the back of my neck. “I guess it felt like I’d be letting my family down or something. Like I was happy to be here.”
Her eyes move away. “I don’t think any of us are truly happy to be here.”