Huh? My hand is on her knee and I’m doing that thing where I rub little circles against her skin with my thumb. Yet she wants to talk about her friend? “The blonde who was in your car last week?”
“Yeah. She’s a spitfire. You’d like her. She’s more on your level.”
“My level?” I drag my hand an inch farther up her thigh. She shifts in her seat and I seriously can’t tell if she’s uncomfortable or intrigued. Maybe one more inch higher will give me answers?
“Yes. She’s a ten. You’re a ten. Actually, you’re a ten and a half.” She laughs.
“Well, thank you, but I don’t know her.” By now my hand is on the inside of her upper thigh, pressed against the carton of ice cream teetering in her lap as she squirms. My breathing slows into heavy, drawn-out inhales and exhales. I pull the ice cream off her lap and set it on the coffee table. I watch her eyes, purposely making my stare as intense and asking as possible. Maybe now I have her attention.
“She’ll be back to return my Jeep, eventually. I could introduce you two.”
I grumble in annoyance and grab a handful of her fleshy thigh. Goddamn, that feels good. I really like how she feels. “Avery, no offense, but I don’t give a fuck about your friend. I’m hitting on you. Am I not being clear enough?” I rub her thigh where I squeezed. “Or are you not interested?”
Every single cell in my body is on fire. If I’m playing this cool, it’s because I’m the best actress in the world. Clearly, I’m nailing performance under pressure, and by performance, I mean managing not to melt under Finn’s touch.
Am I interested? Yes. On a different planet. In a different world. Where you don’t look like you, or maybe I don’t look like me. I could come up with a million different excuses to dissuade him. I love the feel of his hand on my thigh and I’m more aroused right now than I’ve ever been, but we can’t happen. And I should probably be honest about why.
“I’m interested,” I say clearly. A satisfied smile spreads across his face. The kind of smile a man gets right before he knows he’s going to get laid. It’s filled with eagerness and relief and now I need to give this man a reality check. “But please stop touching me.”
He immediately complies. Ripping his hand away from my lap, he leans backward. “I’m sorry,” he says.
“Don’t be. It was nice. You’re nice. This whole evening was really nice. I needed it,” I admit. “I had a really crappy day.”
“So you must not hook up. That’s okay.”
I furrow my brows. “Is it? Or is this night kind of over now?”
“Of course not,” he says with unconvincing enthusiasm. “I like talking to you. You don’t have to have sex with me to hang out. I have no plans tonight. Let’s watch a movie. Or play a board game,” he says as he watches my blank expression. “Or you can tell me more about your job. I made some tweaks to my website. I think I’m ready for that audit.”
I swallow the lump in my throat as we sit in silence for a moment. Oh, shit. Here we go. I’m about to embarrass the hell out of myself. I suck in a deep breath and hold it as long as I can until I exhale my confession.
“Finn, if I had ten minutes left alive, my dying wish would be for you to fuck me. Not have sex with me…fuck me. But my boyfriend just dumped me, whom I share a home and a business with. Don’t you get it?”
He’s watching my lips. “Get what?” His brain must’ve gone fuzzy after I told him I wanted him to fuck me. But he only wants me because I’m the easiest target that’s right in front of him.
“The man I’ve loved for four years all but told me that even though we’re great together in every other way, he couldn’t bear the idea of having sex with me for the rest of his life. I am shattered. I am humiliated. My ego isn’t wounded, it’s completely gone. I am never getting naked in front of another man again. I am never sharing my body with another man ever again. Especially not with a man who looks like he fucks like a porn star.”
I didn’t expect to be so dramatic. I didn’t expect the end of my rant to come through in breathy sniffles as tears stream down my face. I certainly didn’t expect Finn to half pull me into his lap and into an all-encompassing hug.
For fuck’s sake, he smells amazing.
I try to wiggle backward so my weight is on the couch and not his legs, but he doesn’t let me go. He just hugs me so tightly that I have no choice but to calm my hysteria and steady my breath.
“Shh, shh,” he says unnecessarily. I’ve already quieted down. “Is this your first major breakup?”
I nod into the crook of his neck.
“Yeah…this is how it feels…like death. Like the world stopped spinning and it’ll never pick up again. It sucks even worse when you finally get through it, think you’re invincible, and then it happens again.”
“How many times for you?” I ask as I pull my face away from the warm nook between his neck and shoulder.
“Three and counting. My most recent relationship was a fucking mess. It’s probably the reason I just made a move on you on Dex’s couch, instead of asking you out like a gentleman should. Avery, I’m working through my shit and I’m still not ready for anything serious. But I don’t want you to think that has anything to do with you. I happen to think you’re incredibly sexy.”
I scoff. “Let’s just be honest.”
“Okay?” he asks as his brows furrow with confusion.
“I know this is Mason’s fault. I know I deserve better. Yada yada.” I roll my eyes. “But it’s not like I can shrug off the insecurities. The pain and shame have seeped into every pore. I’m terrified for the rest of my life, every time I look in the mirror, I’m just going to hate what I see.”
He wipes the loose hairs away from my forehead and tucks them behind my ear. “Men need to be more careful with the women they love.” He tilts his head, his expression full of pity. “They have no idea the damage they can do.”
“Thank you for listening.” I push against his arms and then crawl off his lap. Standing to face Finn, I rest my hands on my hips. “And that completes tonight’s total humiliation session. I’m going to need a five-minute heads-up moving forward every time you plan to use the hot tub so I can hide somewhere. Deal?”
He laughs. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”
I cover my eyes. “I’m going to do the raccoon thing where I pretend you can’t see me. If you could just see yourself out.” I point somewhere in the direction of the front door, but I’m not positive. I’ve really committed to the eyes closed bit I’m putting on.
“You need baby steps,” Finn says softly.
“What?” I drop my hands and watch his pointed expression.
“When I have clients who want to be a little more daring in the studio, but they’re so uncomfortable and embarrassed, we have to work our way up. We start with just flattering poses in jeans and a T-shirt. Then, we move on to shorts, maybe a tank top. When they’re ready, lingerie. Then we take off the bra…sometimes more. The more they force themselves to step out of their comfort zones, the more natural confidence begins to feel. But it usually happens in baby steps.”