Which was a real fucking problem, considering what she wanted.
An unfamiliar numbness fell over me like fog as we did our victory lap around the rink at the end of the game. We were on fire. I was on fire.
And yet I felt like a man standing on a hilltop watching a tornado touchdown, knowing it would be blazing a path of destruction straight toward me, but unable to move my feet.
Maven was laughing in the locker room when I made it back after the star ceremony, and her eyes caught mine from across the room. She smiled, her gaze mischievous and stirring my body to life.
I could fuck that girl twenty times a day and still not ever get enough.
“So… Boomer’s?” she asked me when I walked over to where she and Carter were.
I hoped my smile was more convincing than it felt. “Of course. I just want to run upstairs and bike for a bit. Legs are tight.”
She nodded, smirking a little bit as she reached up and thumbed my brow. I still had a little bit of dried blood on it from the fight.
“What did he say to get you so worked up?”
I shrugged. “Nothing. I just felt like fighting.”
She gave me a look that said she knew better, but dropped it. “I’m going to go change. Text me when you’re wrapping up?”
With a nod from me, she swept out of the locker room, and I watched her go with a boulder sitting on my chest.
When I turned toward my locker to start changing, I found Will Perry staring at me.
He didn’t say a word, but when I went upstairs to the team gym, he followed. Silently, he climbed onto the bike next to mine, and it was just the sound of the equipment whirring for a while before he finally spoke.
“When are you going to tell her?”
Sweat dripped into my eyes, my ribs burning. “Don’t.”
He shook his head, sitting up and slowing his stride. He watched me in the mirror, but I stayed bent, pedaling faster. The longer I felt his eyes on me, the harder I worked, until I was out of breath and cursing, sitting up to mirror his stance. I swiped my towel off the handlebars and covered my face with it, slinging it over my shoulder before my hands wrapped around the bars once more. I stared at my knuckles where they were turning white, all while he stared at me.
“You love her.”
I closed my eyes on a long exhale.
“You don’t have to admit it,” he continued. “I know it when I see it.”
My brows bent together then, and I turned to look at him, stunned to see a bit of vulnerability on that normally grumpy face of his. He didn’t have to tell me for me to know the ghosts in his eyes were the ones of his late wife.
I sighed, sitting up again and folding my arms over my chest. “I’m going insane.”
“It’s terrifying, isn’t it?”
I laughed through my nose, but didn’t say anything more.
“Have you two been…”
“Fucking like porn stars every waking minute of the day? Yes.”
He smirked, wiping a hand over his mouth. “Not what I was going to say, but good to know.” He fell quiet for a moment before adding, “So, what’s wrong?”
I didn’t even try to say nothing, because the fact that he could read me well enough to follow me up here told me I didn’t stand a chance of convincing him of that.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “We’re having a great time. She’s… God, she’s fucking phenomenal. Funny. Smart. Stubborn as hell. That woman knocks me on my ass daily.”
“She’s a good one.”
I nodded.
“So… again, what’s the issue?”
I swallowed. “The issue is that I think you might be right.” I looked at him then. “I think I love her.”
Saying the words out loud felt like stabbing my own chest with a dull, rusty knife. I felt the air leak out of me along with them, and I stared down at my shoes on the bike pedals.
“When are you going to tell her?”
“Never.”
He sucked his teeth. “Don’t be an idiot.”
“She doesn’t want that,” I said. “She doesn’t want… me.” That made the knife twist deeper. “We’re just having fun, friends with benefits, no expectations.”
“Good God, why?” Will wrinkled his nose. “Don’t tell me that was your idea.”
“Hell no,” I said quickly. “I don’t know, it just kind of… happened. The first time we hooked up, she said it was a one-time-only thing. We didn’t even last two weeks before we hooked up again, and then she put these… I don’t know, these rules in place.”
Will was silent for so long that I turned to look at him, and found him slow blinking at me like I was stupid.
“What?”
“I’m just trying to figure out if you really are an idiot.”
“She doesn’t want anything more. She told me as much. She said she just wanted us to enjoy the time while we have it and then…”
I didn’t want to finish that sentence.
“And you didn’t fight her on it?”
“Of course not,” I said quickly.
“Dumbass.”
I leveled him with a glare. “What was I supposed to do? Tell her I didn’t care what she wanted, that I don’t respect her boundaries, and I want to be the one calling the shots?” I continued before he had the chance to answer. “She had her heart obliterated by a rich asshole athlete, and she lumps me into the same category.” I ground my teeth. “I saw it in her eyes when she told me she just wanted this little arrangement.”
“Who?”
“I don’t know, some pussy golfer.”
Will wrinkled his nose. “I bet I could beat him.”
“Your swing is weak, Daddy P,” I said, tilting my head to the side. “Me, on the other hand.”
He snorted. “So this guy fucked her up?”
My hands tightened into fists. “She thinks if we let it go too far, I’d break her heart just like he did.”
“Would you?”
I was silent at that, because the truth was that I didn’t know.
I couldn’t make her promises, not when I was only in my first season in the league with no fucking clue what came next. If my career took off, what would that look like for us? Would she follow me if I got traded to another team, another city?
Could I expect her to?
And even if they did extend my contract and I got to stay in Tampa, it wasn’t like she’d have this twenty-four-seven-access pass forever. The only reason I had so much time with her now was because her job called for it.
Would I be enough for her, if she only had me in-between practices and games? Would she put up with me traveling all the time?
Would she trust me?
And even if she did… would it ever be fair, to ask that of her, of anyone?
“I’ve never thought about any of this,” I admitted, shaking my head. “I assumed I’d never have to, at least not for a while. Hockey and partying and girls, that I can handle. But Maven…” I swallowed. “Fuck, I didn’t see her coming.”
A little laugh puffed out of William at that. “We never do.”
I tried to smile, but it fell short. And for a while, we sat there in silence, both of us in our own worlds.