Thank you to my friends. Sakeena Adamjee was in many ways the initiator of this project and has ceaselessly believed in and supported it. Kavita Bhanot, my forever co-conspirator—this book owes much to our many long and impassioned conversations. Thank you also to Jasber Singh, who is the most brilliant, and to Aaisha Akhtar for her solidarity and insight, Fatima Siddiqi （plus Percy and Stewie）， and Ayla Iqbal. Also, Ayesha Pervez, my first writing buddy. And of course, the laddoo group, the triangle of reason, and FOREVER.
So much gratitude to Ayesha Khwaja, who knows what it took, and what more it will take, and stays nonetheless.
None of this would have happened without my agent, Sara Langham, who has stood by this book every step of the way, providing whatever was needed in the moment: a mirror, a shoulder, an explanation, a commiseration, a laugh, a celebration. Such a blessing! Stephanie Delman, my US agent, came a bit later down the line, but I am equally grateful for her enthusiasm and kindness, her wit and insight, for her always fighting in my corner. Sareena Kamath, my editor at Zando, dove so deeply into the text that it was as if she were in my head. This novel owes much to her brilliance and sensitivity. Sophie Jonathan, Salma Begum, and Orla King at Picador warmed me with their wisdom and excitement, their understanding and trust. What a team.
Warmth to my friend Alex Ioannou for those final ancestral permissions. To Aryaya for her teachings, prayers, and reflections, and to her teachers, and the elephants that she protects. Also to Fin Kennedy, who sincerely supported my work when I needed it, and to Miss Christine Machado.
Many thanks to the members of the pandemic writing group that I first shared sections of this text with: Martin Ouvry, Tara O’Sullivan, Sakeena Adamjee, Hugh Murphy, David Vaughan, John Roseveare, Shabnam Grewal, Dee Miller. Thank you also to Shachi Amdekar, Alex Kuhnle, Crispin Semmens, Subin Nijhawan, Prof. Pasha M. Khan （plus Rasgullah B.）， Julia Colleran, and Natalya Marchuk for their crucial input in the final stages.
This novel arrived just days after little Billee padded into my flat, and he lay curled up beside me as I transcribed it.
Finally, prayers for the greater work being done. May our compasses stay aligned. Gratitude for our collective journeys towards learning the real meaning of words like Justice, Forgiveness, Grace, Sacrifice, Community, Redemption, Transformation, Love.
With love,
Ayesha
NOTES AND PERMISSIONS
“No one sleeps in this room”： Adrienne Rich, “Origins and History of Consciousness,” from The Dream of a Common Language: Poems 1974-1977 by Adrienne Rich. Copyright ?1978 by W. W. Norton & Company, Inc. Used by permission of W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.
“Do we, after thousands of years”： Carla Lonzi, “Let’s Spit on Hegel” from Italian Feminist Thought: A Reader, 1991, edited by Bono, Paola and Kemp, Sandra, with permission from John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
“It’s a hap, meaning, ‘chance.’”： Living a Feminist Life by Sara Ahmed ? Sara Ahmed, 2017, published by Duke University Press, reproduced by kind permission from David Higham Associates.
“Lo-lee-ta”： Lolita, copyright ? 1955 by Vladimir Nabokov.
“In the article, the writer—something Bloom—meticulously takes apart the very first line of the novel”： “Lost in Translation: What the first line of ‘The Stranger’ should be,” Ryan Bloom, The New Yorker ? Condé Nast, with permission from Condé Nast.
“To love without wanting to devour must surely be anorexic”： “An Interview with Jacques Derrida on the Limits of Digestion,” Daniel Birnbaum and Anders Olsson, 2009, e-flux Journal, with permission from e-flux Journal.
“‘Promiscuity,’ she continued, ‘can be a kind of radical hospitality.’ That’s Garth Greenwell.”： With permission from Garth Greenwell.
“The narcissism of small differences”： Civilization and Its Discontents, Sigmund Freud, translated by Joan Riviere, 1930, Hogarth Press and the Institute of Psycho-analysis.
“Those are pearls that were his eyes”： The Tempest, William Shakespeare.
“In friendship, one really eats the friend” and “This certainly seems barbaric”： Novalis, Novalis Schriften, 1846, published by G. Reimer and translated from the original by Alex Kuhnle and Ayesha Manazir Siddiqi.
“She deliberately made herself ugly and wrote those extreme and ridiculous poems”： “Boundary Conditions: Adrienne Rich’s Collected Poems,” Dan Chiasson, The New Yorker ? Condé Nast, with permission from Condé Nast.
THE TEAM
TRELLIS LITERARY MANAGEMENT
Stephanie Delman · Khalid McCalla DAVID HIGHAM ASSOCIATES
Sara Langham
GILLIAN FLYNN BOOKS
Gillian Flynn · Kendall Sullivan ZANDO
MARKETING AND SALES
Nathalie Ramirez
Anna Hall
Amelia Olsen
Andrew Rein
PUBLICITY
Chloe Texier-Rose
Sara Hayet
EDITORIAL
Sareena Kamath
DESIGN AND PRODUCTION
Whitney Bak
Jonathan Bush
Jeff Farr
Evan Gaffney
Aubrey Khan
Beth Metrick
Sarah Schneider
Jeanne Tao
Lexi Winter
CONTRACTS AND FINANCE
Jessica Calagione
Dennis Lee
Sierra Stovall
DISTRIBUTION
Two Rivers Distribution
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
AYESHA MANAZIR SIDDIQI has published short stories, reviews, translations, essays, monologues, and poetry. She has also written for radio and the stage. Ayesha is from Karachi and lives in London.