I nearly dropped the plate I was holding to the floor, and I had to set it on the counter so I could regain my bearings.
Heart thrashing.
Teeth grating.
I gave it my all to keep the asshole out of my voice. “Oh yeah? Who’s the lucky guy?”
“Brad Geller. We’re going to dinner on Wednesday,” she added quickly.
“That’s cool.” Too bad the words sliced like spears.
I had to force myself to move. To focus on carrying our plates to the table rather than spitting out the thousand things that spiraled through my mind.
Rather than telling her the thought of it fucking killed me. Rather than begging her to give me some time.
Rather than promising I was going to fucking fix this.
But could I?
Was it ever really going to change?
And even then, it couldn’t undo the stains. Couldn’t erase the sins that I’d committed.
I went back to the counter and grabbed the small bowl I’d made for Kayden while Dakota stood from her stool and pulled Kayden from his playpen.
She buckled him into the highchair that I’d also picked up the day I’d gotten the crib.
The whole time, we moved around each other in this discomfort that made it feel like we were walking through sludge.
I was refilling her wine, my back to her, when her voice finally broke through the tension. “You don’t think I deserve to find love, Ryder? Do you think I’m not desirable enough that someone would want me?”
Hurt wove into her words.
My chest felt like it was going to cave when I moved back to her. She stood in front of the table, facing out.
Lifting that quivering chin, so brave and fierce and sweet.
The sight of her hit me like a landslide.
Quicksand.
No way to get out.
I leaned around her and set her glass on the table, and when I eased back, she was right there, so close I could scent the sugar and vanilla that radiated from her skin.
I had the urge to lean forward and press my nose to it.
Inhale.
Trace my fingers over every slope and every curve.
I settled on touching her cheek before I took a little and dragged my fingertip over that divot at the side of her chin. “Do I think you’re not desirable, Dakota? You’re the most desirable woman I’ve ever met. And yeah, I think you’re worthy of love. Worthy of it more than anyone I know. Don’t ever mistake that.”
I was just jealous that I wasn’t worthy of receiving it from her.
She gulped, her throat bobbing, and that tension took new form.
New shape.
Growing thick and dense between us.
A clawing need.
“Ryder,” she whispered.
Before I fumbled and let myself cross a line I couldn’t, I stepped back and canted her a wayward grin. “I’ll even watch Kayden for you.”
A frown twisted across her brow, and it took everything I had not to reach out and smooth it.
To keep from telling her I wanted it to be me.
But I couldn’t do that, could I?
“Now come on, let’s eat, your food is going to get cold. I didn’t work over the stove all afternoon to waste it.”
The tease came easy. The way it always did.
But stomaching the food was an entirely different story.
NINETEEN
DAKOTA
I pulled the blanket over Kayden’s little body. His breaths were even as he slept. Facedown and sprawled out the way he always did, his glowing bear hugged under his arm and his cheek pressed to it.
Snuggled up.
Safe.
Loved.
All the things I hoped for my son.
I ran my fingers through his soft brown hair, whispering, “Sleep well, sweet boy,” before I crept from his room, leaving the door open a fraction.
Muted light filtered into the hall, and the old wood groaned beneath my feet as I moved. I tried to keep my steps even quieter as I edged down the stairs to get a drink of water.
It was just past eleven o’clock, and the house was quiet. I’d finished reading a book in my room before I’d gone in to check on Kayden.
It wasn’t like I was going to be able to sleep.
Not after whatever had happened between me and Ryder earlier tonight.
The man so thoughtful and sweet.
Making dinner so I wouldn’t have to cook once I got home from the restaurant.
Taking care of me.
But then it’d gotten awkward, the air filling with a tension that had writhed between us.
I swore he’d been angry—jealous even—when I’d told him I was going on a date.
Then he’d just grinned and said he would babysit Kayden for me, then sat down at the table and joked with me throughout dinner like nothing had happened.