When it’s clear he’s not going to say anything other than okay, I turn forward and stare out the windshield, silently fuming. “Never mind. Just take me home.”
I approached the subject too fast. Why did I have to push him so hard?
“What do you want me to say?” he argues. “We got carried away, Sage. You want me to confess something personal and profound to you just because I got off a couple times?
Everything is fake, okay? The relationship. The sex. The way I treat you in those videos. I’m not really like this. It’s all fake. ”
“Fuck you,” I mutter as I yank on the car door and move to climb out.
“Where are you going?” He grabs my arm to keep me in my seat.
“I’ll get a ride home, Adam, but I’m not going to sit in this fucking car with you while you make me feel like an idiot.”
“What did I say that made you feel like an idiot?” He jerks me backward until I’m facing him, and I suddenly feel so angry with him I want to hit him. He and Brett and all the other assholes who stomped all over my feelings and used ignorance as an excuse.
“You can keep lying to yourself, Adam, but I’m not going to let you lie to me,” I yell. “Rule number five. Keep it fake, right? But what did you say that night, just before you put your hand up my skirt? You told me to tell you it was real. And what happened this morning, the way you love to degrade me?
You can pretend all you want, but that is not fake. But you’re
so hung up on believing a good man can’t like that you put all the shame on me. So, what is it, Adam? If we’re truly breaking the rules, why can’t we at least talk about it?”
He looks away and my anger only grows more intense, so I grab his face and turn him toward me. “I’m trying to help you, Adam. I see you.”
For a moment, his expression softens, and so does mine.
For a split second, I have my Adam back. The one who doesn’t care what anyone thinks, who sees me for me, and who gives me the attention I so desperately crave. Who doesn’t mind being a little bad to be good.
But as quickly as it came, it’s gone. His expression deadens as he mumbles, “It was the heat of the moment. It was all for show, Sage.”
Everything inside me turns to ice. None of it was real. This whole time I’ve been growing these feelings for a man who’s incapable of changing or feeling anything. He can’t stand to be vulnerable for a single moment.
I yank my arm out of his grasp and fight back the tears that threaten to come.
“You’re such an asshole,” I mutter as I climb out of the car.
“Why am I an asshole?” he argues as he gets out and shouts over the hood. “Because I followed the rules?”
“That’s all you ever do, Adam,” I yell, throwing my arms out. “You follow the rules, so you don’t have to feel anything.
When was the last time you ever stuck your neck out for anyone, Adam? You’ve been following the rules your entire life and look at where it’s gotten you. No one truly knows you, so no one truly loves you.”
Those words come flying out of my mouth, and I watch as they hit him like an assault. If I had pulled out a gun and shot him in the chest, it would have hurt less. Instantly, I regret it and wish I could unsay what I just said.
His mouth falls into a straight line and I know I’ve struck too hard. Shame and guilt crawl up my throat, nearly making
me sick. I’m about to apologize when I notice Adam’s gaze scan to something over my shoulder.
The sound of shoes jogging against pavement steals my attention, and when I turn to see Brett running toward me, my emotions get all jumbled up inside. Anger, desire, guilt, fear, comfort—they run together, feeling all wrong, the way different colors blend to make an ugly brown sludge.
“What’s going on?” Brett calls from behind me, and I turn back to see Adam’s face, looking for something I can’t quite put my finger on. He freezes in his spot, a grimace etched in his features.
“Nothing. We’re fine,” I reply, taking a step back toward the car.
And then Brett touches my lower back and long-forgotten feelings come floating to the surface. I know his touch. It’s familiar and comforting and safe.
“Why the fuck are you yelling at her?” Brett asks, putting a hand out toward Adam, treating him like a threat.
“He’s not—”
“I don’t know,” Adam replies, looking at me. “All I know is my life was fine until one morning when I walked into that fucking diner. Now…”
Tears sting my eyes as I glare at him. “Now what?”
“Now I don’t know anymore. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want.”
As I blink, a tear slips across my cheek. This feels as close as I’m going to get to a confession from Adam. He’ll never be able to truly express himself, and I’m clearly wasting my time if I expect him to ever admit anything more.
“Let me take you home,” Brett says, running a hand along my other arm. A moment ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of ending this night with my ex, but that’s how easily a beautiful moment with Adam turned to shit. What on earth was I expecting?
“Fine,” I mutter, turning away from Adam.
“Sage,” he calls after me, but I don’t turn back.
It’s clear I mean nothing to Adam Goode. So I’ll try to pretend he means nothing to me.
Twenty-Nine
Sage
O ld habits die hard. I can’t exactly explain why I’m letting Brett hold me, allowing him to run his hands down my back and press his lips to my cheek, but I’m letting him anyway. I’m convincing myself that it feels nice. That I need this. That this is where I’m meant to be.
Maybe I’m no better than Adam, unable to let go of the past, trudging through bad choices over and over again, doomed to relive the same misery again and again, but we just never learn and refuse to change.
Like how I pressured him to open up to me, so desperate for his love and attention, that’s what I’ve been doing since I was a kid. Giving people the chance to love me and blaming them when they don’t. Just setting myself up for disappointment again and again.
After Adam got in his car and drove away, I came back inside the club with Brett. We went to the office, where we always used to hang out. I’m sitting on the desk with him between my legs like we used to.
But I can’t stop thinking about Adam. How I put all of my feelings on the line for him and he threw them away. How I’ve started growing attached to a man who will never allow himself to feel the same for me.
I feel like the world’s biggest fool.
I’m lost in my own head as Brett pulls my face toward his and stares into my eyes just before leaning in to kiss me. With a flinch, I pull away.
“What are you doing?”
“You’re still my girl, Sage. You always were.”
I pull farther away, pushing a hand to his chest to get some distance. “I need some space right now.”
“Space from me?” he asks, looking wounded.
My brows pinch together in confusion. “We broke up, Brett. I…started seeing someone else. Why aren’t you mad?
Didn’t you see what we just did?”