“I talked with my agent today. He said I should go on a podcast and answer some questions about our relationship, but I didn’t want to agree to anything before talking with you,” I say, wishing I could hold her in my arms forever.
When I was with Macy, my career was the most important thing to her. With Aeris, I don’t feel like I need to put on a show.
“Do you want to do it?” she asks, propping her chin on my chest so she can look at me.
“Tell the entire world that Aeris Relera is mine? Fuck yeah, I wanna do it.”
“If you’re sure, then I’m going to support you,” Aeris promises, pride layered in her tone, a light-hearted smile tilting over her mouth.
I hook my finger under her chin, pulling her in to me so I can kiss her. I can taste my own saltiness on her tongue, and even though she just emptied everything out of me, my dick wants to go for a second round.
When she draws back, she runs her hand over the Roman numerals above my chest. “What does this tattoo mean?”
I take in a deep breath from the bottom of my lungs. “It’s the date my mother died.”
“Oh, Hayes…”
“It’s okay. I got it to remember her.”
I’d really rather not ruin the moment by thinking about my dead mom.
“What about the tree? On your back?” she inquires.
“I knew you were staring at my back that night,” I jest.
Aeris flicks me on the arm as she rolls her lips together. “I wasn’t staring. I was observing.”
I laugh. “The tree represents resilience and growth. I try to look at it every now and then to remind myself that I’m more than my struggles. And when you were observing me, you were also drooling a bit.”
“I’d be offended if you weren’t right.”
I grab her small hand, interlacing our fingers together. Macy never asked me about my tattoos—no girl has. When I talk with Aeris, it’s like I get a break from the harsh reality of the world, and for just a moment, get to live in a bubble of pure bliss. Spending time with her has never felt like an obligation. And when time flies, the only thing I want to do is rewind the clock.
“Thank you, Aeris. For always being there. For being so understanding,” I say, and a foreign feeling prowls out from the shadows of my tortured consciousness—a feeling dangerously close to love.
She sits up on the bed, crossing her legs and placing her hands in her lap. “I don’t want there to be any secrets between us.”
I cover a dry choke with a cough—hopefully well enough—and I slide my back up against my headboard. No more secrets. And that includes the huge secret of me only pursuing her in the beginning to fix my reputation. The huge secret I’m too afraid to tell her because I know she’ll leave if she finds out.
I don’t think I could ever tell her. It would ruin her. It would ruin everything we’ve built together, and I don’t want any of that to go away.
I’m half-expecting her to start grilling me over everything I’ve done in my twenty-three years of life, but she starts talking.
Aeris takes a fortifying breath, interlocking her toilworn eyes with mine, ones I swear I can see moisture in. It’s crazy how quickly her demeanor has changed, and it’s making the bud in my throat grow to the size of a tumor. What is she about to tell me? Why is she so upset?
Her lower lip pops out with a tremble, and she looks about seconds away from crying. “Promise you won’t be mad, okay?” Her voice is small and unsure, almost like she knows she shouldn’t be asking in the first place.
Not a great start.
“I promise,” I tell her. And I do…to the best of my ability.
Her confidence languishes and her guard lowers, revealing the shell of a girl who’s been broken one too many times. I hate seeing Aeris sad. I want to fix whatever it is that’s bothering her, but I need to remember that I’m here to listen, not to come up with a solution to all her problems.
“I had an ex named Wilder. We dated for two years. There were, um, there were a lot of things wrong with our relationship. He was manipulative and cruel and judgmental, and I cared for him a lot more than he cared for me. I’m honestly not even sure why I stayed with him for as long as I did. I did everything I could to make him happy. I dressed differently, I ate the food that he suggested, I didn’t talk when we were around his friends. There was one point when I would’ve done anything he asked of me.
“When Roden passed, Wilder abandoned me when I needed him the most. I don’t know why, and I don’t think I’ll ever know. I kept blaming myself for driving him away—convincing myself that it was my fault he no longer wanted to be with me. I always took the fall for his mistakes. In my eyes, he could do no wrong, and that did a number on my self-esteem.
“So when I first started seeing you, I was worried about being vulnerable around another person. I was afraid I’d have a Wilder 2.0 on my hands. He always had an opinion on my body, and there are lingering parts of me that still believe his toxic words. I’m sorry I’ve waited this long to tell you, Hayes. But that was the reason I was so hesitant to go out with you.”
Wow. Aeris just dropped a lot on me, but I think what hurts the most is her not seeing herself the way I see her. Yeah, I’m fucking angry over her douche of an ex, but we’ll get to that later.
“Oh, Stacks,” I whisper, reaching my arm out to graze her knee. When she doesn’t flinch away, I settle my hand on her leg, hoping that the gesture will at least soothe her a little bit. “I’m sorry you went through that. And I feel so honored that you trusted me enough to tell me.”
“I know that you’re nothing like him. I’m sorry that I held back from you in the beginning.” The pain in her tone is strong enough to topple a small fleet of ships, and she dismisses the water in her eyes with a rub of her hand.
“No, you don’t need to apologize for anything,” I tell her, pulling her quailing frame into my steady one, letting her bury her face in the junction of my neck.
“You’re so incredible, Hayes. I just wish I looked better for you.”
Wrath kickstarts a fire in my chest. “Stop.”
Uh-oh. There’s that notorious Hollings temper, rearing its ugly head. I need to get my anger under control. I can’t just be blowing my top whenever Aeris needs me to stay calm.
She pulls away from me to sniffle. “But—”
The growl in my voice is unintended, but I don’t apologize for letting it slip out. “No buts. I’m not going to sit here and listen to you talk badly about yourself.”
Tears travel an errant path down her cheeks, watery pearls adhering to her lashes. A tiny sob sputters out of her, and she tries to twist away from me, but I hold her still. I wipe the wet space below her eye with my thumb, then delicately glide it over the dark circles.
“Aeris, do you trust me?” I ask tenderly.
She nods, but the deflated look on her face makes my heart feel like it’s cracked in half and is spilling out onto the floorboards.
“Undress for me.”
A frown underlines the curve of her brows. “What?”
“Do you trust me?” I repeat, stripping my voice of its natural roughness.