I feel like I’ve just crash-landed with no parachute to cushion my fall.
I clear the nerves from my throat, but my voice is still small. “I miss her so much, Dad. I made a promise to her to keep this family together, and I failed. I let my pride get in the way of things. Faye grew up without a father figure because of the decision I made,” I say.
My father embraces me for the first time since I was a child. My heart rate rises to an uncountable measure, and it’s so loud that I’m sure he can hear it resonating in his own chest.
“No, Hayes. You didn’t fail. You were the child. It wasn’t your responsibility to keep the family together. It was mine.”
As comforting as his hug is, for some reason, I pull away. That self-preservation part of me is trying to recalibrate my brain, and my body wants to switch to survival mode. I’m afraid of letting him back in. Not only will I be affected by it, but Faye will be too.
I curb the turmoil trying to pinch more tears from my eyes. “Why didn’t you just explain your reason for leaving? Why did you make us feel like we were the ones in the wrong?”
“I was ashamed. I was supposed to be strong for the both of you. I couldn’t…I couldn’t admit how broken I was. But the minute I walked away from you two, I knew it would be the worst mistake of my life,” he laments.
I rub the heel of my palm into my chest, like it’ll physically appease the pain. “I want to forgive you, but…”
“It’ll take a while,” Richard finishes, placing a hand on my shoulder. “I’ll wait forever for your forgiveness, Hayes. And if you don’t want me in your life, know I’ll be standing by the phone, just in case you need me.”
Every emotion inside me is going haywire. I feel like I’m seconds away from falling apart, but instead of having to peel my powerless body off the ground, I have my father to lean on now.
28
TO （ALMOST） LOSE AND TO LOVE
AERIS
I raced over to the house as soon as I could. My hands didn’t stop shaking during the entire drive over. I’m barely keeping myself together after that melee broke out during the game. That didn’t seem like your average, run-of-the-mill scuffle.
The guys say Hayes is doing fine, but that doesn’t expunge my coldblooded fear. No, it only exacerbates it. Just because a split lip didn’t warrant the need for a gurney doesn’t mean he isn’t aching from all those hits.
My nerves make a mad dash for my throat, the blood in my ears overpowering the sound of my heart. The voices from the living room carry over to the entrance of the house, and I sprint on unsteady legs to where Hayes is sitting on the couch, an ice pack pressed to his face.
My mind is spinning like a Tilt-A-Whirl, and my gaze cruises over the lacquered blood sheeting down his chin. There’s already a bruise forming along his jaw. Oh, God. I can’t imagine how much pain he must be in right now.
“Hayes!” I’m careful not to hug him too tightly, and his arms don’t wrap around me the way they usually do.
He grimaces, shifting uncomfortably to make room next to him.
“I’m okay,” he says, his reddened hand on the back of my head, tethering his fingers in my hair. It’s an action that normally pacifies me, but it seems to be doing nothing for my panic.
The guys give us the room to talk in private.
“What happened out there?” I whisper, pressing my forehead to his, our lips just barely touching.
“Oh, you know, normal hockey stuff.”
He’s okay. He doesn’t look as hurt as I thought he was, but I can’t get my emotions under control. Tears drill behind my eyes, and I gulp down the loud sob that wants to desecrate the silence.
“Aeris, I’m okay,” he repeats, a modicum of worry in his eyes.
I can’t think straight. I can’t see straight. I can’t catch my breath. Hayes’ voice is a million miles away from me, and anxiety ensnares me as if I’m an unsuspecting fly caught in the chiffon labyrinth of a spider’s web. When he reaches out to touch me, I backpedal away from him.
“What really happened out there?” I ask, but I’m not sure I even want to hear the answer.
“This asshole started insulting you, and I just lost my shit.”
Hayes got into a fight because of me?
“You can’t let those kinds of people get to you.” I grab the damp washcloth next to him and wipe away gouts of blood from his knuckles. He winces from the contact, but he doesn’t pull away.
His tongue is sharp, like a double-edged blade. “When it comes to the people I care about, I’m not going to let anything slide.”
There’s something feral about the gleam in his eyes, and it’s partnered with a warning growl in the back of his throat. I decide it’s best not to push him, and in that moment, I also decide not to tell him what my father said. I’m aware hockey’s a violent sport, but there was a part of me that was afraid I’d lose Hayes tonight. I don’t think I’d survive losing him, and that’s why I’m choosing to ignore my dad’s pathetic warning.
“Can I do anything?” I look helplessly at the bandage box and the bottle of painkillers on the coffee table.
“Just be here. With me.”
Even though the couch isn’t as wide and comfy as his bed, there’s nowhere in the world I’d rather be right now. He lies down with a grimace and makes room for me. I squeeze into the space he’s carved out, gently pressing my back to his chest.
“Thank you,” he mumbles sluggishly, tightening his grip on me ever so slightly.
“For what?”
“For staying.”
Judging by the soft snores vibrating against my spine, I’m pretty sure Hayes has already passed out, so I whisper the last words to myself.
“I’ll always stay.”
Lila plops down on the couch next to me, a bucket of red vines in her arms from some secret candy stash she must have around my house.
“When are you going to tell me who you’ve been talking to?” I whine, seizing a piece of licorice before she gives me one of her Medusa glares.
She crooks an eyebrow. “Who do you think it is?”
I bite the red vine in segments Bugs Bunny-style. “Gage?”
“Too young.”
“Foster?”
“Too cute.”
I snort out a laugh. “Too cute? How can someone be too cute?”
She takes a break from her snacking, which means this is a very serious topic. “You’ve seen him. He looks too innocent. I’d destroy that poor boy.”
Horror gains traction on my face. “Excuse me?”
Lila lobs a red vine at my boobs, disgust splashing across her features. “Not like that, you perv. I’d destroy his brain,” she clarifies. “Maybe turn him into a fuckboy, like some kind of final boss girls have to fight off.”
“I doubt that would happen.”
When I don’t reach for the licorice, she swipes the candy from my lap, biting the end off. “You never know. I have a history of breaking hearts and creating monsters.”
I think back to the long list of exes Lila has, and the fourteen of them that she had to block because they used to camp out on the lawn outside her sorority house. “Okay, maybe you have a point,” I agree.