“Amanda quickly became friends with her college roommate. The two did everything together. Julie, her roommate, and Amanda were excited to attend a concert at the Gorge.”
Joan knew the Gorge, in eastern Washington, was a huge venue for bands and major artists, plus several rising ones.
“Julie drove and the two decided to head back that night following the concert. As best we can figure, Julie fell asleep at the wheel. Amanda was instantly killed, while Julie walked away with barely a scratch.” He paused long enough to take in a deep breath, as if it took all his strength to finish explaining what happened.
Joan gasped at the horror of it. “Oh Phil, what a terrible shock her death must have been.”
He shook his head as though to dismiss her words. “No more surprising than you losing Jared. At first it felt unreal, like there’d been some terrible mistake…like a nightmare I would wake up from sooner or later. Even after I was notified, I refused to believe it until I saw her body.”
Joan had felt all that herself when the kind doctor in the ER had told her there was nothing more the medical team could do for Jared. He was gone. She remembered standing there, her knees growing weak as she shook her head back and forth, wanting to dismiss his words, wanting to say that he was wrong, that Jared would be fine once he got the care he needed.
“I’ll admit I didn’t deal well with losing my only child,” Phil continued as he wiped his hand down his face. “I went through several stages of grief: The first, of course, was denial. That didn’t last long, seeing that I had to make the arrangements for her funeral. All the details leading up to the services sort of hit me in the face with the fact that I was burying her.”
Joan remembered how painful that time period had been for her as well. She’d relied heavily on her two sons and her sister, who’d immediately flown to Seattle to help her through that first couple weeks while she dealt with the funeral arrangements and the dental practice.
“I was so angry,” Phil said, and Joan heard the regret in his voice. “I lashed out at Julie, wanting her to assume some responsibility.” He exhaled, as if he found it difficult to continue.
She understood his determination to reveal his path to healing.
“In the end, I realized how unfair that was. Julie was devastated, overwhelmed with grief herself. It took her a full year before she was able to get behind the wheel of a car again. In the years since, I’ve found I could understand they were both at fault and should never have decided to drive back to Seattle that night. In my heart I knew Amanda wouldn’t have wanted me to lay the blame on Julie.”
Joan admired Phil for his compassion and understanding for Amanda’s friend.
“I don’t know if I could have done that,” she told him, letting Phil know how deeply his willingness to release her friend from this awful guilt inspired her.
Phil held her gaze for a moment before he continued. “For months afterward I wallowed in sorrow and depression. My partners were sympathetic for a time, but as the months progressed, they lost patience with me.”
Partners? She held back her questions.
“About a year after I buried Amanda, I snapped out of the depression and was able to continue with a full workload. Dad was instrumental in helping me. He encouraged me to join the grief counseling group. The group made all the difference. I was a basket case the first few times. I didn’t share, didn’t speak. It was all I could manage to make a showing.
“As the weeks progressed, I realized I wasn’t alone. Others had suffered the same as me and, with time and patience, had learned to move forward and live again. The group became my lifeline, and between the other members and Dr. O’Brien, I learned coping skills and eventually was able to look toward the future instead of dwelling in that black hole of isolation and grief.”
“I relate to this so much,” Joan whispered. The lump in her throat was huge as she listened. “I used distractions to help me cope for a long time.” She wallowed in her own pain for far too long.
“You aren’t alone; several of those who have come and gone from the group have done the same. They were willing to do anything to take their mind off what they’d lost. I remember one woman who’d been widowed used baking as a distraction. Every week she’d arrive with an array of homemade goodies, bread, cookies, pies, you name it.” He smiled for the first time since they’d started talking. “We had to ask her to stop because we were all gaining weight.”
“I so understand her need for a distraction. It helps for a time, but then there’s still the reality that can only be ignored for so long.”
“So true.”
“Did you use a distraction?” she asked, thinking their paths in loss seemed to have flowed in the same direction.
“Work, for a time, but then I lost interest and decided to make a change.”
“You mentioned you had partners?”
“Before I took over Harrison Lawn and Landscaping, I was a partner in a prominent Seattle law firm. We did family law, which means I saw firsthand how difficult it could be to blend families. It was important for me to always put Amanda first and for her to know she was my top priority.”
“You mean to say you didn’t have a serious relationship the entire time she was growing up?”
He shrugged. “I dated now and again, but I never let any relationship develop beyond friendship.”
That told Joan how serious he was about keeping his daughter his main priority.
“My partners assumed I’d lost my mind to give up a thriving practice, and frankly I can’t say that I blame them.”
From the outside it must have seemed ridiculous for Phil to leave everything behind to ride a lawn mower.
“I suppose in some ways becoming a landscaper was a distraction. Dad needed me, and I needed to be needed. It wasn’t long before I realized how beneficial taking over the business was to my mental health.”
“Dad was miserable living by himself and was going through the motions with the business, tending only to his longtime customers. When he saw me working in my own yard, digging and planting, he asked if I’d be interested in taking over for him. He listed the advantages and offered to guide me and handle the bookkeeping. Planting flowers, growing my own vegetables, helped bring me back. Letting that seed die in order to produce new life. I found comfort in the warm earth, feeling it with my hands and sifting the dirt through my fingers. It was a reconnection with life. It fed my spirit and led me back to a time and place where I could find acceptance after losing my daughter. The promise of spring and the seeds growing and bearing fruit showed me I could learn to live life without Amanda. It didn’t take long for me to realize stepping in for Dad would be good for both of us.”
“I’m searching myself,” Joan admitted. “I worked as Jared’s assistant, bookkeeper, and janitor for all those years, and now I do little but twiddle my thumbs all day.”
“Do you need to work?”
“Financially, no. At the same time, I don’t want to waste what remains of my life. I’d like to find something to do that’s meaningful and needed.”
“There are any number of worthy charities that would welcome you, Joan.”