“You mean I was a good mother in the past,” she added, her words more breath than sound, afraid that in her grief she had abandoned her children.
“You were always there when it mattered most. Nick and I aren’t kids any longer. We’re adults, and not once did I ever feel you’d failed us. I can’t speak for Nick, but I think he’d agree. If anyone failed, it was the two of us. You were so deeply depressed, and we were at a loss on how best to help you. Forgive me for that, Mom. I should have made a bigger effort to come see you, to be there for you.”
“It’s all worked out for the best,” she whispered. “A friend recently reminded me that everything happens in its own time, and I shouldn’t question having waited as long as I did to get the help I needed. You don’t owe me an apology, Steve.”
Steve released a sigh. “I guess it’s just the mood I’m in lately.”
This was the opening Joan had been waiting for. “What’s going on, Steve, and please credit me with some intelligence? For the longest time I’ve felt there’s something troubling you, and my guess is it has to do with Zoe.”
“Mom, please. It’s nothing. I’m busy. I carry a lot of responsibility and it wears on me. You wouldn’t believe how many meetings I attend in a week or problems that arise at the warehouse that I need to fix. The demands on my time are constant.”
Joan wasn’t willing to listen to excuses. “Why do you change the subject every time I bring up Zoe’s name?”
The question fell like a nuclear bomb blast between them.
Complete silence.
“My relationship with Zoe is off-limits,” he snapped, after an awkward moment.
Joan had never met his girlfriend. It was rare for Steve to mention his relationships, so when he told her about Zoe, Joan knew she meant a great deal to him.
“I assumed the two of you were serious,” she said, ignoring his warning.
“Mom,” he said, as if upset that she was venturing into unwelcome territory.
“Why it is that every time I bring up her name, you change the subject?”
“One would think you’d take the hint!”
“Recently you said you two were on and off. What does that mean?”
“Mom,” he said and groaned. “Leave it alone.”
“I can’t, because I want to know what’s happening with you. I don’t want our relationship to be surface level. I want you to share your thoughts and concerns with me, be open and honest.”
“Fine, you want me to be open. You first! What’s with you and this landscaper?”
The question came at her out of the blue. “Phil? Nothing. He’s in the same grief counseling group I am. I barely know him.”
“Are you dating anyone?”
“No.” She laughed at the absurdity of even thinking along those lines. “Why would you even ask?” She knew the answer as soon as the words left her mouth. Nick must have mentioned him. “Rest assured, Phil is a friend, nothing more.”
Steve scoffed. “Nick said the two of you were out late one night.”
Joan found this highly amusing. “Some of us go out for coffee after each session. Phil was there, and so was I. Trust me, there’s nothing happening. I only recently learned he’s divorced.”
“So you’re saying he’s just a friend.”
“Steve,” she said slowly to make her point, “I know what you’re doing quizzing me about my landscaper. You’re diverting the subject away from you and Zoe.”
Her son’s response was weighed down with a heavy sigh. “If you insist on knowing, Zoe and I have parted ways.”
“I’m sorry.” This was what Joan had long suspected.
Another sigh, this one clearly painfilled. “Yeah, me, too.”
“I don’t suppose you want to tell me what it’s about, but I hope you will.” Joan didn’t want to pry too deep. Her wish was that her son would want to explain what’d happened to a promising relationship.
He didn’t hesitate as she assumed he would. “Zoe wants to get married.”
Joan didn’t understand why that would be a problem if they were in love.
“We’ve been dating two years exclusively,” Steve continued, “and all of a sudden she put pressure on me to make a commitment.”
“Do you love her?” Joan asked, although she felt she knew the answer.
“Yeah…I do.”
As she suspected. “Would you be comfortable spending the rest of your life with her?”
“I would,” he said, a bit more convincingly this time.
“Then what’s the problem?” It had to be something more than Steve’s unwillingness to make a commitment.
His voice mellowed as if he had lowered his guard. “Zoe wants a family.”
“And you don’t?”
“I do, just not anytime soon. Maybe in the next seven to ten years. I mean, the time has to be right. You don’t bring a baby into the world unless you have a home with a fenced yard, and a substantial income, and a secure future. It’s the same with getting married.”
“You want a house before you marry?” Joan had a hard time computing the list of what Steve felt was necessary.
“Yes.”
“My goodness, Steve, if your father and I had all those stipulations in place, you and Nick might never have been born.”
“Times were different back then,” he flared.
“Really?”
“Yes, Mom, really,” he insisted.
“And you feel Zoe is being unreasonable to not want to wait until the solar system is aligned with your list of what’s necessary.” She didn’t mean to sound sarcastic, but if anyone was being unreasonable, Joan felt it was her son.
“Yes,” he snapped. “I didn’t want to lose her, so I asked her to marry me. I even got her a ring, which was what she wanted. But when I refused to set a date for the wedding, she had a coronary.”
“You mean she got upset?”
“She said she wasn’t willing to wait for five years, which is when I feel I’ll have everything in place to be the husband I want to be. Condemn me for that if you want. It’s the way I think. I’m goal-driven, and having a wife now, or anytime in the near future, doesn’t fit into my plans. I’ll have the right income by then, perhaps sooner, but even that’s no guarantee. I might be named the warehouse manager next year, but that’s only the first step in my five-year career plan.”
Joan didn’t fault Zoe for not wanting to wait that long. If Steve was truly committed, he would marry her.
“She said she didn’t believe I’d be ready in five years,” he mumbled. “She made it seem like I was leading her on, and that my list of reasons to wait was only an excuse to keep her hanging.”
“So it sounds like she gave you an ultimatum?”
“She said if I couldn’t agree to a wedding within a year, we were finished.”
“You didn’t believe her?”
“I…didn’t appreciate the pressure, and I felt she was being unfair about my goals.”
Joan could appreciate how stubborn her son could be when given an ultimatum. “What happened?”