“I want to kill him. So, I can’t imagine how someone feels who, you know, actually kills people or has ever been in a fight or isn’t, like, a peaceful, bookish musician,” Leo said. The hair on Rosemarie’s arms stood up when he said the word kill.
“You wouldn’t last a minute in prison,” she said, petting her arm without being too weird about it, and eating more. It was the best food she’d ever tasted.
“Watch it. You’re dangerously close to hurting my feelings.”
“Come here.” Rosemarie motioned to him, and he leaned into her. She rubbed her nose against his and kissed him.
*
Later, after they smoked a bowl and sang and recorded two songs, they went to Leo’s bedroom and moved together, slick and breathless in the dark. She lay on his chest afterward with Basie at her feet and listened to his heartbeat. It was the only way she could fall asleep lately. It was where she felt the safest.
Trey would die, but he wasn’t special. Everyone died.
Rosemarie would die too—possibly soon.
Being in Leo’s arms was where she felt good, even when she knew she didn’t have much time left.
Even when she knew her body was soaking up her cancer like a sponge now that it’d returned. Only Esme, Esme’s oncologist brother, and Leo were aware.
It was three years ago when she was first diagnosed, got the double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. It was three years ago when Ada, Caro, and Kasey had come out to Seattle to be with her. Leo had been there too, barely missing meeting Esme for the first time because she was off doing reshoots in Vancouver.
It wasn’t long after that when Esme was in Portland and Leo had come to Seattle again, fresh from divorcing Annie. Back then, Leo got in bed with Rosemarie and pulled her on him just like this, holding her, protecting her from the rest of the world. Making her feel better. Leo had taken time off from touring and made his way back to Goldie because Rosemarie had returned to die. And no matter when or where they were, like always, Leo’s music and keen light never failed to keep the darkest dark away.
2004
30
Roses,
I know you’ll find me first. It’s who you are and I love who you are. I fully expect the first email in my inbox to be from you and you won’t let me down. You and I are going to be on opposite sides of the world for a bit, and then, opposite sides of the country. I miss you already. I miss the sunny patches of your magical house and feeding treats to Jerry Garcia while we lounge on your trampoline in our bathing suits and sunglasses, drinking clinky lemonade like Hollywood starlets.
Please write me and tell me EVERYTHING about EVERYWHERE you’re going in the world and EVERYTHING you’re feeling. And! Let me know what Sparrow says after you tell her how you feel because I know you’re going to do that before you leave, because I know you. I’m sorry I had to leave like this and I love you madly.
RACK forever.
Kase
From: [email protected]
Subject: Yep
Kase,
Yep. I came right back inside after I got your letter and sat at my computer to email you. I’m pissed you’re gone, but I understand. I wish I wasn’t so mature!!! God has cursed me with this advanced brain and heart!!! And since I’m so ahead of Ada and Caro when it comes to emotional intelligence, the price I pay is totally getting why you can’t be in Goldie right now. Of course you can’t. I won’t even pretend to imagine what you’re going through and all I care about is that you’re safe and doing EXACTLY what you need to do.
I’m praying that your heart （spirit! mind!） gets everything it needs in your grief, Kase. I am grieving with you across the miles, holding your hand.
I will most definitely write you from the other side of the world/country. Please write me back sometime. The sooner the better. I won’t tell you what Sparrow says unless you write me back. How’s that for incentive? （I haven’t told her yet, but I will!!!）
Love you so so so much.
RACK forever,
Roses
*
Rosemarie and Sparrow were making out in the conversation pit, and when they took a breather, Rosemarie went to the kitchen to get two peaches and handed one to Sparrow.
“I’m going to miss you a lot when we leave Goldie,” Rosemarie said to her. Sparrow had gotten an athletic scholarship to a big university three hours away.
“When do y’all leave for the mission trip?” Sparrow asked, taking a bite of the fruit and wiping her mouth. The sun was lighting up her eyes—flickers of green jasper.
“Two weeks.”
“I’m going to miss you a lot too, nerd,” Sparrow said and kissed her. “See? Now my lips taste like peaches too.”
“I love you. Do you know that? Like, I love you the way people who are dating love each other. I love you the way you may love Frankie—I don’t know. Do you love Frankie?” Rosemarie said.
It felt like a wild cricket was hopping around in her stomach when she said this, but she said it anyway. She was proud of herself for it. The windows were open and she was starting to sweat. She was thirsty. So thirsty. She bit her peach again for the juice.
“I know you love me,” Sparrow said.
“Good.”
“I love kissing you and hanging out with you. Like, so much. Have you told anybody about this?” Sparrow asked, pointing down as if the couch were their secret.
Rosemarie shook her head and looked at Sparrow’s pointing finger, trying not to cry.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” Sparrow said, stepping out of the conversation pit. She went to look at one of the picture frames hanging by the bookshelf and turned to ask Rosemarie where she and her family were in that one.
“California,” Rosemarie said.
*
Later, after going to the gas station for a cherry slushie and stopping by Myrtle’s with Ada to visit Caro on her break, Rosemarie went to Leo’s to swim. She was wearing a teeny lavender bikini underneath her clothes, and Leo gave her a bright wolf whistle when he saw it. He took his shirt off and dove into the water like an arrow, barely making a splash.
“I’ll be reporting you to the police for harassment, just so you know,” Rosemarie said when he came up for air. The water was tinted orange in the sunset light. She dove in after him.
“Forgive me, Kingston. You do look amazing, though. Congrats on that,” Leo said, shoving off with his feet and floating on his back. Rosemarie loved seeing his no-glasses face. It was like seeing him naked, which she also loved. She’d seen Sparrow half-naked, but never all at once.
She didn’t want to think about Sparrow, so she thought about Leo instead.
“Leopold, am I your girlfriend?” Rosemarie asked. She backstroked to where he was and floated.
“Hmm. I don’t think so.”
“You don’t think so?”
Leo flipped and swam to the edge of the pool. Rosemarie watched his back muscles; she loved how his long body moved. He climbed out and sat dripping, kicked his feet.
“You’re in love with Sparrow, Ro. I mean, obviously I know that.”
Soon, Rosemarie and Leo were going to be spending every waking moment together for the entire summer before he went to school in Boston. They rarely argued, and even when they did, it was usually something small that could blow away like a bubble. Rosemarie didn’t want to get in any sort of minor disagreement with Leo right now or ever. Her relationship with Leo was so pure, precious, and easy it had to work smoothly or her whole life would be thrown out of orbit. Kasey was gone now; Kasey’s mom was gone forever. Life could rumble off the tracks at any minute, so yes, everything with Leo had to remain smooth. Rosemarie depended on him too much.