“We should all be children when it comes to love—open and vulnerable.” She paused. “I don’t know everything there is to know about Kira’s past, but I know you have good reason to guard your heart. And good reason to want to choose someone who doesn’t inspire such passion, such intensity, and such fear because you learned early that love hurts. I suspect Kira’s been hurt too. And for those such as yourselves, true love is a scary prospect. True love is the greatest leap of faith there is.”
I ran my hand through my hair. This was all too much, and I didn’t even know where to start, what to focus on. I was all twisted up inside, angry with Kira one minute, wanting her desperately the next…needing to push her away two seconds after that.
“I think a good place to start,” Charlotte said as if reading my mind, “is to talk to your brother and Vanessa. And listen to them, not with your hurt but with your heart.” She grasped my hand again. “And bear this in mind: love is not always smooth and easy. Love can be piercing. Love means exposing yourself—all of yourself, every tender part—to being hurt. Because true love is not only the flower; true love is also the thorns.”
I sighed. “Sharp and painful,” I confirmed. Why would anyone seek out love anyway?
Charlotte’s laughed softly. “Sharp, yes, piercing, yes. But not always painful. It’s meant to strip you bare and expose your wounds so they might be healed. Be brave enough not to fight it. Surrender, my boy. Let go. For just once, have the courage to let go.” She leaned up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek, and I bent slightly to let her. Then she smiled warmly and left me where I stood.
Love is not always smooth and easy. Was that why I had chosen Vanessa once upon a time? Because my feelings for her were lukewarm? As soon as I posed the question to myself, I knew in my heart the answer was yes. Shane and I had grown up with Vanessa. She’d always been a friend—beautiful and sweet—and I’d noticed the way Shane had looked at her and the way she’d looked back at him, hoping he’d make a move. Neither one realized the other had feelings for them. But I knew, and I asked Vanessa out anyway, knowing Shane would step back for me. My shoulders dropped. Oh God. Why had I done that?
I’d wanted her because I’d felt perfectly in control of my feelings where she was concerned and that sort of calm, that lack of risk, the absence of thorns, was something I craved after the deep hurt I’d experienced growing up. After the humiliating grasping for love never returned, the loneliness of being unwanted, I didn’t want to grasp anymore. I didn’t care to hope any longer. It hurt far too much. And so I chose someone who didn’t inspire any of that in me. Vanessa had been too sweet to say no. And somewhere inside, I’d felt a certain satisfaction taking something I knew rightfully belonged to Shane. Shame swept through me. I’d given all my life, made sure he never suffered the way I’d had to. I’d thought I deserved to step ahead of him where Vanessa had been concerned. Jesus.
He was my brother and I’d betrayed him—even if he didn’t know it. And I hadn’t even thought of her either. Would my tepid feelings have ever been enough for her in the long run? Of course not. I had been wandering into a permanent state of cold detachment, and it was only Kira who had been able to beckon me back with her warmth and exuberance. Vanessa and I would have never made each other happy. I’d told myself there was never a need to confide my secrets to her because she knew my family dynamics, but the truth was, I hadn’t wanted to. I’d never wanted to share all of myself with her and so I never had. And if I’d loved her, it had only been as a…friend.
She’d told me she wanted to save herself for marriage, and after all the women I’d already been with by the time we started dating, that had seemed right. That I should wait for my wife. Likely, she’d been saving herself for Shane more so than marriage, whether she’d realized it at the time or not. But now…thank God I’d never made love to my brother’s wife. The things we had done suddenly felt incestuous and one hundred percent unappealing. I ran my hand down my face, smoothing out the grimace.
I’d gone to prison and they’d somehow found their way to each other. But truthfully? As far as them being together? All I’d felt was a hollow sense of betrayal. Mostly, I’d grieved for the loss of one of the few people who had always been in my corner: my little brother. Since then, I hadn’t allowed myself to feel at all. And it’d been somewhat easy. But then came Kira, who stirred up all my emotions and forced me to acknowledge the needs I kept guarded inside. And her warmth and vitality melted the cold walls I’d built up.
Kira, who never did anything in half measures.
Kira, who had suffered as much or even more than I had.
And suddenly, I felt even smaller because I saw so clearly that, despite the similarities in our stories and despite the fact that she’d been severely wronged, Kira had chosen to face the world with hope and optimism. And selflessness. And me? I had withdrawn, focusing only on my own selfish desires. Unlike my wife, I’d been a coward.
But I longed to be better, to be worthy of her. And I wanted her. God help me, I wanted her body, yes, but I wanted so much more than that too. I wanted her approval, to hear her thoughts, to know her secrets. And I wanted to keep telling her mine.
I sat down heavily on my bed, feeling battered and bruised by all the thoughts and realizations pummeling my mind. I love my wife. Beautiful, bewitching Kira who had brought me back to life with her combination of fierce defiance and deep vulnerability.
A small scratching came at my still-cracked-open door and Sugar Pie pushed it fully open with her nose and then trotted over to me. She chuffed softly and instead of lowering that injured head of hers the way she usually did, she placed it on my knee and stared up at me with her soulful eyes. I scratched her ear. “That’s a good girl, Sugar Pie,” I said, praising her for finding her voice and being brave enough to use it. “Beautiful girl,” I said, running my hand over the places where she’d once been hurt.
“When did I fall in love with her?” I asked the dog my wife had gifted me, scratching her other ear. Sugar Pie offered no answer other than a small satisfied whine. When had it happened? The first time she’d called me a dragon? Was it those ridiculous O-named rats? The first time I’d kissed her? Watching her playing with those kids at the drop-in center, her hair flying wildly around her face as she shared her open and loving spirit, even though she had every right to be miserable after her father’s cruelty only the night before? When had I fallen in love with her and not even realized it?
I fell back on the bed. Oh God, I do—I love her. And I wanted her love. I hungered for it. And I was terrified to want like that. I didn’t know how to feel the emotions I was suddenly acknowledging, knew even less how to expose them to her rejection.
Surrender, my boy. Let go.
For just once, have the courage to let go.
I let out a staggered breath, not knowing if I was able, not knowing if I could be that brave.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Kira
The 1902 mansion that had been transformed into a charming bed-and-breakfast was just a short walk from the downtown riverfront. It’s where I’d been staying for almost a week as I simultaneously licked my wounds and completed my portion of the list for the upcoming party at Hawthorn Vineyard. I had been in contact with Charlotte via text, and I knew all was going well with the projects both inside and outside the house. Charlotte had offered repeatedly to come visit me, but I declined. I appreciated it, but there was nothing anyone could do for me. And it would only hurt more in the end if I continued to get closer to the people who were Grayson’s family…and not mine. I had to start pulling away, lest I be even more devastated in the end than I already knew I would be.