“I don’t want—” She breaks off.
She tries to look away, but I slide a finger under her chin and gently turn her face toward mine so that I can search those gorgeous eyes of hers. Tonight, they look like molten gold—hot, endless, dangerous—and I have to fight from falling into them.
Falling into her.
“What don’t you want?” I ask in a tone that tells her I’m not going to move on from this until she talks to me, no matter how much she wishes I would.
“I don’t want you to see me as less,” she finally answers.
I nearly laugh out loud. “Less?” I ask incredulously. “Beckett, how can you not see that you’re everything? That there’s nothing about you that’s anything but incredible?”
She shakes her head, and her glorious black curls bounce over her forehead and her shoulders. “I’m messed up, Rain. You know I’m messed up.”
“We’re all messed up,” I shoot back at her. “Haven’t you figured that out yet?”
“You’re not.” Her arms are around my waist now, holding me in place, and her fingers are tracing little patterns on my back that send shivers up my spine—even through the jumpsuit.
This time, I do laugh, because that’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. “I’m the most messed up of everyone here!” I tell her.
“That’s not true,” she answers.
“Isn’t it? My entire life has been a lie, from the very beginning. I have no idea who I am or where I come from. More, I have no idea where I’m going. At least you know all of those things.”
“Yeah, but I have no idea where I’ve been. And—” She gestures to her head.
“The headaches are getting worse?” I ask.
She shrugs, which from Beckett is basically a firm yes.
I don’t like the sound of that. I was hoping they’d get a little better the longer she was away from that evil facility. “What can I do to help?” I ask.
“That’s just it. I don’t want your help. Not with this—not with anything.”
Her words hit like the knives Ian carries with him at all times, the sharp little points pricking my skin before digging themselves deeper and making me bleed.
“What do you want?” I ask, then hold my breath, because for the first time I’m truly afraid of the answer. For the first time, I’m afraid of her. She won’t physically hurt me; I know that. But emotionally? She’s already gutting me, and she hasn’t even left me yet.
But looking at her now, I know she will. No matter how tightly she holds me—or how closely—I can see the truth in the depths of her eyes. I’ve already lost her to the demons she has inside. Everything else is just timing.
Chapter 88
Ian
Thanks to some truly unreal speed from the Starlight—like, speeds spaceships shouldn’t be able to achieve, especially dragging a giant heptosphere; whatever the Ancients were up to, they were clearly doing it fucking fast—we’re about to land back on Glacea, which puts me in a foul mood. I hate this fucking place, and not just because Kali nearly died here. Though, if I’m honest, that’s definitely one of the lowlights.
“You ready for this?” Beckett asks me as she straps on the knife she asked to borrow from me.
“I’m pretty sure I should be asking you that question,” I answer. “You are the one who feels the need to arm herself before a meeting with her mother.”
Her grin is a little bit wild and more than a little bit reckless. Looking at her now, she reminds me of the Beckett from the beginning of our time on the Starlight, which doesn’t concern me at all.
She just shrugs. “It’s for show. My mother would never respect anyone who didn’t come armed to a meeting. If she saw me without a weapon, she’d be convinced I was going soft. That’s not good for anyone right now—least of all me.”
I can’t argue with that. Not when every experience I’ve ever had in the Nine Planets has proven to me that weakness gets you killed. And softness gets you killed faster. The system is a fucked-up place, and there are a lot of people only too willing to take advantage of that fact.
“So, where exactly are we going?” I ask as Beckett slides into the pilot’s seat and sets the Starlight down just outside the limits of a little town called Sorcha that I’ve never heard of. Apparently, the rebels have a base here and Beckett has arranged for us to meet her mom and exchange jewels for weapons.
“You’ll see,” she answers. Max and I exchange a look. It’s one thing to put our lives in the hands of rebels—that’s a calculated risk. One we need to take if we have any chance at all of getting Milla back.
But it’s another thing to put our lives in Beckett’s hands when her eyes are shining with an odd kind of brightness that looks a lot like chaos—and maybe something even worse. I glance at Rain, hoping maybe she knows what’s up with her girlfriend, but she just looks away, which is pretty much the worst thing she could do.
“Fuck.”
“Looks like there’s trouble in paradise,” Max tells me.
“That’s because we’re in a nightmare,” I snap back.
“You still think this is a good idea?”
I snort. “Hell, no. We’re walking into a rebel stronghold with the prodigal daughter, who looks like she’s on the edge of something really fucking bad, and we’ve got nothing to protect ourselves with but a couple measly weapons. Add in the fact that if we fuck this up, we lose Milla forever, and no. I definitely don’t think it’s a good idea. But then, it never was.”
Ideas born in desperation are rarely good ones, even if everyone involved has their shit together. When people don’t—I look from Rain to Beckett and back again—bad ideas tend to become really fucking bad ideas.
Lucky, lucky us.
“You ready?” Kali asks.
Not even close. But I grin. Never let ’em see how fucked you are. That’s my motto. “I was born ready, Princess.”
She rolls her eyes, but she’s grinning when she says, “I swear, some days you’re nothing but a walking cliché.”
“And here I thought I was a lot of things.” To prove it to her, I yank her against me and drop a kiss down on her perfect pink lips. I mean for it to just be a quick peck, but when she opens to me, I can’t resist going for it.
“Seriously?” Beckett says, sounding bored. “Do I have to remind you that the Butcher of Narreth hates it when people are late?”
“You said that was an exaggeration,” I answer when I finally let Kali go. Damn, I like the way she tastes. I like even more the way she feels against my body, but that’s for later. When the conquering heroes return.
“Maybe I was exaggerating when I said it was an exaggeration,” Beckett says as she shrugs into one of the ponchos we made from extra blankets on board the ship.
“Are you trying to mess with their heads?” Gage asks as he and Kali walk us to the outer door.
“Better me than my mother,” she answers as she presses the button to lower the Starlight’s ramp.
Fuck. This day just keeps getting better and better.