I may never see Beckett again.
She already said as much to me last week, before we went to see her mother. But hearing it then and knowing just how close it is now are two very different things. Add in the fact that I’ve decided I’m never going back to the Sisterhood, and I feel completely rudderless.
Ice skates down my nerves, and my stomach churns with terror. So many unknowns. So much pain. This living-out-here-in-thereal-world stuff is a lot harder than it looks. But I wouldn’t trade the past few weeks, and everything I’ve learned—everything I’ve done—for the safe ignorance of the monastery. Not for anything in the universe.
“Can we talk?” I hear from behind me.
I want to say no. Talking to Beckett right now is the last thing I want to do, but talking or not talking isn’t going to change anything, so…I nod.
She takes my hand and leads me from the bridge.
“Do you want something to drink?” she asks as we walk past the galley. “A cup of tea or—”
I grab her then, smushing her cheeks between my hands and pressing my mouth to hers like the fate of the universe depends on this kiss.
And maybe it does. Not the fate of the universe but definitely the fate of my universe.
Beckett stiffens against me, and for a second I think she’s going to shove me away. But then she’s whirling us around, slamming my back up against the wall, and unzipping my jumpsuit all at the same time.
I yank my mouth from hers. “What are you—” I gasp, trying to tell her that we’re not in the storage room or our bedroom. We’re in the corridor, where anyone can pass by.
But she doesn’t let me speak. Instead, she slams her mouth down on mine again, biting and sucking her way from my upper lip to my lower as harsh sounds of need pour from her chest. Her hand is in my underwear now, her fingers tracing the sudden wetness of my sex before thrusting inside me.
I let out a shocked gasp, but then I forget where we are and just how terrified I am that this might be the last time I ever get to hold her. The last time I ever get to feel her inside me. My deep, dark, beautiful Beckett.
And instead I just drown in sensation.
Heat. Need. Pleasure. They rise up and overwhelm me as completely as Beckett overwhelms me. “Please,” I gasp out, my fingers tangling in her curls as my leg wraps around her waist. “Please, please, please.”
“I’ve got you,” she whispers, and then her thumb is on my clit, her fingers rubbing against the spot inside me that makes me feel like a shooting star whenever she touches it. “I’ve got you, my Rain. My sweet, sweet Rain.”
The sound of my name on her lips combined with the magic of her fingers on my sex is all I need to go over the edge. I come, gasping out her name, and she slams her mouth down on mine again to swallow the sounds.
“Please,” I whimper when she finally pulls her mouth away. Tears are pouring down my face, but I make no attempt to stop them. In my head, I’m begging her not to leave me. Begging her to give us a real chance. Begging her to stay for just a little while longer. But all I can say is, “Please, please, please.”
And so she kisses her way down my neck, rubs the fingers of her free hand against my peaked nipple, twists her fingers deep inside of me, and takes me over one more time.
One last time.
By the time she zips me back into my jumpsuit, I’ve recovered enough to keep the tears from falling. And when she steps away, I know that this is the end. And so I do the only thing I can do—press my lips gently to hers. And though everything inside of me yearns to tell her that I love her, that I’ll always love her, I swallow the words back down my impossibly tight throat.
And instead, I whisper, “It’s okay.”
“Rain—”
“It’s okay,” I tell her, once again cupping her cheeks in my hand.
“It’s okay,” I say, pressing one last kiss to her mouth.
“It’s okay,” I whisper as I turn away and walk back down the hall into a future without her.
Chapter 91
Kali
A shiver runs through me as we make landfall on the asteroid for the arranged rendezvous with Beckett’s mother. The leader of the Rebellion. It’s strange that I’m depending on her to keep my friends and me safe when I’ve spent so much of my life hating her and everything she stands for.
But that hate was based on a lie, I remind myself. And the future I’m trying to build is going to be based on truth, even the ugly bits of it. And the truth is, I misjudged Beckett, and I’ve misjudged her mother. I owe them both an apology.
Then again, as Crown Princess of the Senestris System, it seems like I owe a lot of people an apology. Maybe someday, I’ll get the chance to fix everything my mother has broken.
If we make it out of the Wilds alive.
If the sun doesn’t actually die.
If I find a way bring peace back to Senestris.
But that’s a worry for another day—I’ve got more than enough to freak out about today.
Starting with the fact that the Starlight will be lowering the ramp soon and I’ll get my first real glimpse of an asteroid. Which is totally not a sentence I ever imagined thinking, let alone living, just a few weeks ago.
Beckett’s mom chose this place, apparently, because it’s on the edge of the Wilds, has an okay gravity, and is only an hour or so away from Delta V47, where the man Ian killed in Rodos told us the Reformer would have taken Milla. Unfortunately, it has no breathable atmosphere—not many of the asteroids do. Except Delta V47, which has apparently been terraformed and is actually bigger than Serati and Kridacus put together.
But Gage found some breathing masks on the ship. We tried them out, and they seem to work—despite being made by, and presumably for, the Ancients. They’re big and weird, but as long as they’re strapped on tightly, they’re functional.
“What are you doing down here?” Beckett asks as she comes up behind me, and I can’t help noticing how terrible she looks. I want to ask her what’s wrong, but the peace between us is still new and fairly fragile. Pushing at her seems like a good way to fracture it.
“I just wanted a look at the asteroid that doesn’t come through a screen.” I hold up my breathing mask to show her that I’m prepared.
But she doesn’t look impressed. “Yeah, well, you need to stay out of sight. Far out of sight. These are rebels we’re dealing with, and reformed princess or not, you aren’t exactly everyone’s favorite.”
I guess I never thought of it like that, but I should have. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize the deal Ian, Beckett, and Max worked so hard to strike.
I step back just as Ian appears in the hallway, followed by Max and Merrick.
“You stay on the ship, out of sight,” Ian tells me, and I don’t even try not to roll my eyes at him.
“Yes, oh lord and master. Your wish is my command.”
“Shit, that’s sexy. You should say that to me again later, after all this is done.”
“Ian!” My cheeks burn with embarrassment—and maybe a little anticipation—but he just laughs. Right before he lowers his mouth to mine for a kiss that makes my toes curl and my heart beat way too fast.
“Shouldn’t you be thinking about what you’ve got to do down there?” I ask when he finally lets me go. The word comes out a little stilted, as I’m more breathless than I want to admit. For all his faults—of which there are many—the man sure can kiss. And other things, but I have no intention of demonstrating those for our shipmates.