I deposit her into the back seat, and she passes out on my shoulder, leaving me to spiral on my own the entire drive home. Papà turns up the music. No one speaks.
As soon as I get to my bedroom, I call Vince. There’s no answer.
I send a text.
Call me back. This is urgent.
He must be asleep. It’s the middle of the night in Europe.
It feels like there’s an atomic bomb inside my chest that’s about to burst. I’m tempted to start breaking things. The walls close in on me, and my heart races. I can’t stay in here. I need to get some air. I pick up my phone and send a text to Ras.
You up?
Yeah, what’s up?
Can you drive me somewhere right now?
Three dots flash at the bottom of the screen. I bite down on my lip.
Please say yes.
All right.
CHAPTER 19
GEMMA
I change out of my dinner outfit into a pair of sweats and a T-shirt and creep downstairs to meet Ras by the side door.
He’s already there. For a second, I don’t recognize him. I’ve never seen him this dressed down. He’s wearing a black zip-up hoodie and joggers, and the loose fit of the clothes make him look even bigger than he does in a suit.
It’s been days since we were last alone. My stomach does an inexplicable flip when his gaze lands on me.
I brush past him and put in the code to turn off the alarm.
“What is it, Gemma?”
“Shh. Let’s talk outside.”
We slip through the door and go around the house.
The light in my parents’ bedroom is off, but I wince when the car makes a single beep as Ras unlocks it. If Papà sees us right now, we’ll be screwed.
Somehow, that thought doesn’t carry its usual weight.
Tonight has lowered my give-a-fuck meter to zero.
We get on the road.
“Where do you want to go?” Ras asks.
“Someplace I can get something to eat.” My appetite disappeared at dinner, but now my stomach feels empty, and it’s one of the few problems in my life that can be easily fixed.
“I drove past a twenty-four-hour diner the other day,” Ras says as he navigates us through the neighborhood.
“Let’s go there.”
“All right.”
I roll down the window and take a deep breath. There’s a hint of pine in the crisp winter air.
We pick up speed, and the wind turns cold against my skin. It takes the edge off the unpleasant energy that’s coursing through my body, but barely.
I glance over at the man sitting beside me.
Ras must have felt this way before. Helpless, confused, betrayed. He’s got nearly a decade on me, and he hasn’t lived an easy life. Maybe he can give me some advice.
“Did your old don ever lie to you?”
“Sal?”
“Yeah.”
His lips curl into a wry smile. “I used to wonder if he’d ever told us the truth.”
Us. Him and Damiano. They’ve always been partners. Always watched each other’s backs.
I don’t have anyone like that anymore. Not since Vale left.
“Did it ever make you mad that you couldn’t do anything about it?”
He adjusts his grip on the wheel, rings flashing on his long, thick fingers. “Sure.”
“How did you let that anger go?”
Ras’s curious gaze coasts over to me. I can tell he wants to ask about what happened tonight, but I don’t think he wants to rush me. “Hit the bag. That usually does the trick. You want to land a few punches?”
“No, I’m good.” There are people I want to hit, but none of them are Ras.
“Any physical activity works,” he adds as an afterthought.
He probably means running or hiking, but that’s not where my mind goes. It goes to skin moving over skin, his hand molding to my breast, his lips pressed to the spot behind my ear.
I drag my palms down my thighs and look out the window.
We get to the diner. The parking lot is empty save for an old truck. Only one half of the sign above the door is lit, but it’s enough to make out the name. Jack’s Spot.
We’re greeted by a young waitress with pink streaks in her blond hair. She takes us to a table in the far corner and hands out two laminated menus.
I order a peach milkshake and a burger. If Mamma saw me now, she’d have a heart attack.
Ras gets a burger and fries.
“How old were you when you got made?” I ask when the waitress walks away.
He folds his arms over his chest. “Twenty-three. Dem was my sponsor.”
“Did you get a speech about what it meant to join the family?”
“Sure. No way around it.
“What did they say to you?”
He shrugs. “The usual. The clan is my one true family, above my parents, my friends, my future wife and kids. As long as I stay loyal, I’ll be taken care of. If there’s a problem, I bring it to the don, and he’ll fix it for me. And if I die, I die with the peace of knowing that the people I love would be all right.” He shakes his head. “I never bought a word of it at the time.”
Surprise unfolds inside my chest. “What?”
“They were empty words. Sal was the man who murdered Dem’s father, and instead of taking care of Dem, he did everything he could to make him fail. It was Dem’s ingenuity, street smarts, and sheer persistence that got him to where he was. Plus, I didn’t need Sal to take care of me. Dem had already done that for years. I swore my loyalty to the clan, but to me, the clan was and is Dem. I would raze them all to the ground if he asked.”
I blink. “When I got that speech, it made a very different impact.”
He arches a brow. “Don’t tell me your Papà brought you to an initiation.”
“Of course not. I got a version of it from Mamma when I was around ten. She told me that our family should always be my top priority. That if I serve it well, it will serve me. I’ll never have to carry my problems on my own shoulders. The family will share the weight and do everything to help me. And the people outside of it would never have my best interests at heart. Going against the family would be going against myself, even if it didn’t seem like it at the time.”
Ras tilts his head. “What did you think of that?”
“She made me feel like I was born into something very special and rare. Like I was lucky to have the life I was given. She said most people get a far worse deal. They have to navigate the world on their own. Not us. We have a community behind us that will always make sure everyone is all right. And we have Papà. As head of the family, he would move mountains to keep us safe. I thought everything he does is for us.”
Emotion swells inside my gut. I drag my palms over my cheeks and wrap them around the sides of my neck. “I bought every word. It’s only tonight that I realized what an idiot I’ve been. After what Papà did to Vale, I started to question his judgment, but I told myself that anyone can make a mistake. Everyone has flaws. But I see it so clearly now. It’s all bullshit. The only person Papà cares about is himself.”
The waitress comes with our order.
“Want to tell me what happened?” Ras asks in a low voice once she leaves us.
I grab my milkshake and suck on the straw. Papà told us the information is confidential, but for once, I don’t feel like I owe him anything.