It feels so, so good.
My heels dig into his thighs as he speeds up his thrusts. My back arches. The table jitters beneath us, the dishes and the cutlery clanking so loudly I’m afraid they’ll break, but he doesn’t stop, and I’m not about to ask him to. Not when I can feel my orgasm coming on, my body becoming engulfed in flames.
Mindless and all-encompassing need pulses inside of me. My nails dig into Ras’s back, leaving half-moon marks and tearing at his skin.
“Fuck,” he says raggedly, his cock deep inside of me, and his hot breath by my ear. “You’re too good. Too fucking good. I’m going to—”
The words push me over, contractions coming on suddenly and with such force they take me aback. I gasp. There’s no air inside my lungs. I’ve forgotten how to breathe.
I clutch onto Ras and feel him tense up as he finds his own release. He groans, his hold on me tightening until it’s painful, but the pain somehow feels just right.
A tear leaks out of my eye. God, I need to pull myself together.
“I love you, Peaches,” he says, tracing the words with his lips against my temple, and my blood freezes.
I love you too. When I think of you, there’s this overwhelming feeling inside my chest, as if I’m coming down the peak of a rollercoaster.
I press my face against his bare chest, hiding the cascade of tears. His heart is pounding.
I can’t say it back, no matter how desperately I want to. If I do, I won’t be able to leave. I won’t be able to break his heart, which is what I have to do.
When he pulls out of me, I’m on the verge of panic.
He’s still catching his breath as he steps back, spreads my legs, and looks at where my pussy is leaking his cum all over the dinner table. Satisfaction flashes inside his eyes. He traces his fingertips over the inside of my thigh. “Seeing that makes me so fucking crazy, baby. You have no idea.”
I sweep my palms over my face to wipe away the wetness and slide off the table. “I’m going to get cleaned up,” I mumble, already on my way to the bathroom.
I need to numb myself. I need to separate my brain from my heart.
And then I need to tell him.
In the shower, I stay under freezing cold water until I can’t stand it a second longer, and then I pad into the bedroom. Ras’s lying on the bed in his boxer briefs, his arms folded behind his head, biceps bulging.
I think he might have fallen asleep, but when he hears me, his eyes spring open.
The reverent look he gives me nearly kills me.
I know with absolute certainty no one will ever look at me that way again. My conviction wavers for a moment, but I steel my spine and tighten my robe around me.
There are no other options. It has to be done.
“Ras, I have to tell you something.”
“What is it?” he asks, sounding unconcerned.
“I think I made a mistake.”
He gives me a kind smile. “Whatever it is, we can fix it.”
“I…” My gaze drops to my feet. “I can’t do this with you.”
There’s a long, horrible pause.
“What?” He sounds confused.
I force myself to look at him. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be here with you anymore.”
He sits up. “Gemma, what are you talking about?”
“I hardly knew what was happening when you said we were leaving New York. There was no time to think. I made a mistake.”
“You don’t mean that. Why are you saying this shit?”
My hands are trembling. I link my fingers behind my back. “It’s the truth. I can’t live on the run with you for the rest of my life. I can’t abandon Vale and Cleo. I don’t want this.”
He’s shaking his head like he doesn’t believe me. “You’re happy here.”
“They’re my family,” I force past my tightening throat. “I want to be able to see them.”
“Just give me some time,” he says. “I just need more time to figure it out.”
“There is no time. I’m going back home tomorrow. I’ve already arranged the plane with my brother.”
His face turns pale. He stands up, all of his muscled glory on display, and crosses the distance between us, stopping inches away. “You did what?”
I swallow.
One day, he’ll wake up and realize that I wasn’t worth throwing his life away. He says he loves me, but it’s because he doesn’t really know me. He doesn’t know how pathetic I am.
I’ve spent my whole life chasing my parents’ validation. I’ve allowed my father to beat me for years without standing up for myself. I’m good at shrinking myself and making myself inconsequential.
I’m not good at being brave.
And Ras? He deserves someone brave. When he finally realizes that I’m not, he’ll regret all of this. He’ll realize he chose a dud, a worthless, stupid thing.
I suck in a breath and say, “I’m leaving.”
“Fuck, Gem!” There’s astounded anger in his voice. “And what about me? What about us?”
My voice rises. “What us?”
He looks stricken.
“I’m going to go home, and I’m going to marry Rafaele,” I say. At least then I’ll do something useful. Instead of ruining one life, I’ll save two.
“You don’t love him.”
“I don’t need to love him to marry him. I didn’t know what I was doing when I agreed to come here.”
“And you still don’t know shit,” he snarls. “But I do. I know that I chose you. Despite everything stacked against us, I chose you. I love you. I spent a decade forgetting how to love someone, and yet a few weeks with you is all it took for me to learn it all again.” His laugh is humorless. “You are the air I breathe. You are the ground that keeps me standing. Without you, I’m nothing, Gemma.”
I don’t answer him because I can already feel myself choking on my words. My chest feels like it’s being split open.
“I’m sorry,” I finally manage to whisper.
His eyes flash with desperation. “Was none of this real to you?”
“It was,” I whisper. “But we don’t exist in a vacuum, Ras. There’s a world around us.”
“Did you ever think that maybe we could mold that world to be what we want it to be if we’re both willing to try?” He raises his hand like he’s about to brush my hair away from my face, but I take a step back.
“I don’t know how to do that. I’ve made up my mind. Once I’m in New York, I’ll smooth things over with Rafaele, and I’ll convince him not to come after you. And you can go back to Italy. You’re Damiano’s best friend. You’re his family, and he’s still covering for you. He’ll take you back.”
Slowly, so very slowly, his shoulders slump.
“Why are you doing this?” he rasps, all of his heartbreak stuffed inside those words.
Despair fans through me. “Because I don’t love you.”
He sucks in a harsh breath as if I struck him.
You’ve done it now. You’ve pushed him away. There’s no coming back from this.
Inside my chest, everything fractures.
A horrible sound comes out of his mouth, a kind of broken roar. He turns and sweeps everything that’s on the dresser to the ground. A vase with flowers shatters against the stone floor. He clutches the edge of the dresser, his head down and his back to me.