Hyperventilating under icy water, I stared at the floor and sucked on my pipe.
Felt nothing.
The haze was back, but it was soaked with terror. Distorted. It was worse than ever.
The day had passed in seconds, but the hours felt like weeks.
Forehead pressed against the tiled wall; icy spray soaked my clothes. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d taken a casual shower.
After Mother began lighting me on fire, I’d shower in scalding heat to chase away the bizarre chill that seemed to burn me from the inside out. It lingered after each session.
I’d sit under the scalding spray writhing in agony until my skin was red.
Then I’d start scrubbing.
After I’d run away to the shifter realm, my habits had changed. I’d started showering to remove the microscopic dirt, the grime I couldn’t see but knew coated every inch of my body. Running was cowardly. It had left me feeling dirty.
In my twenties, the anger had arrived, and freezing cold water was the only thing that washed away the violent thoughts.
Now I showered to try to clear the haze.
Maybe if the water was frigid enough, it would shock me out of the muddled darkness?
It wasn’t working.
Everything was muted and twisted, and I shivered, but it wasn’t from the cold. Lately, it was never from the cold.
I got dressed in a blur.
In a moment of lucidity, I panicked over the fact that I couldn’t find a single pair of underwear. The moment passed, and I quickly forgot about it. I was too tired to care as I pulled on my dry clothes.
Peeking out the bathroom door, I was relieved to find the bedroom dark. All my teammates were sleeping in their beds.
With chattering teeth, I tiptoed across the rug toward my friend. John snored softly as he faced the wall.
Climbing into bed beside him, I resisted the urge to curl up against his warmth.
John belonged to the pretty girl who’d sucked on his dick.
He wasn’t mine to touch.
Pulling my hoodie up over my head, I squeezed myself into a ball under the covers and, through lowered lashes, looked across the room at the bed I’d been avoiding.
Orion’s arms were draped casually around Scorpius and Malum. They clung to him like they were afraid he would disappear.
All traces of the crazed man that had chased after me were gone.
His stunning, almost too-pretty features were relaxed in sleep, and he looked like some type of whimsical fairy-tale creature.
I knew better.
The dying fire caressed his golden skin like a lover.
Long lashes fluttered, and dark eyes opened wide. Orion turned his head to the side and looked directly at me. His pupils expanded.
A shudder shook through me, and I bit down on my lower lip to stop my teeth from chattering.
I pulled the blankets up to my chin and scooted back closer to John.
Orion kept staring. He didn’t blink.
In the darkness his eyes had a slight green sheen to them that reminded me of a cat’s.
I hid my face under the covers and breathed raggedly. After counting to one hundred, I peeked out and looked over.
With his face angled forward, high, arched cheekbones made Orion look wicked.
The harsh lines of his expression looked positively depraved. Uptilted eyes were wide and staring directly at me.
It hit me how stupid I’d been.
Just because a monster was prettier and quieter than the others, it didn’t make it any less terrifying.
It made it worse.
I stared back, unable to reconcile the quiet man who’d kissed me softly and smiled gently with the one that had chased after me. It seemed wrong that his mates were clinging to him like he was their salvation.
Did they know the extent of his madness?
Perhaps I wasn’t the only one who’d been living a lie.
Time ticked by slowly, but I couldn’t close my eyes. My brain refused to shut off and relax. I couldn’t sleep while a devil was watching me with gleaming eyes.
So I didn’t.
Seconds became minutes. Hours passed.
Orion never looked away.
Neither did I.
By the time morning came around, my back was fully plastered against John for support, and my jaw ached from gritting my teeth.
My eyes were bleary from staring.
When Scorpius and Malum woke, they stretched and smiled at Orion. Wrapping their arms around him tiredly, they pressed kisses along his jawline and neck while whispering to each other.
Finally, Orion tore his eyes off me, and his expression softened.
He smiled back at his mates and relaxed like he hadn’t been lying stiffly for hours in their embraces.
I stumbled out of bed and ran to the bathroom.
I took another cold shower. Scrubbed my skin raw.
Stumbled down the halls.
At breakfast, I rubbed the bags under my eyes and pushed my eggs back and forth across my plate. Students murmured with excitement, but for the most part, the hall was quiet with anticipation.
It was the day of the second competition. Two of four. After today we’re halfway there.
I rubbed my hands over my arms and tried to convince myself everything was fine.
Next to me John smiled and made a bad joke about a chicken crossing a street as he chowed down on the mountain of food that was piled high on his plate.
Across the hall, the man crucified on the sacred tree opened his mangled lips. He said something, but the sound didn’t travel. None of the students sitting near him acted like they heard him. He was ignored.
John flung his arm across my shoulder and made another joke.
I forgot to laugh.
At the commoner table, a familiar-looking woman stared longingly at John. She was uncommonly pretty, and I realized she’d sucked his dick a few days ago.
I pulled John’s arm off me and scooted away.
“Don’t make me chase after you, Aran.” John’s smile fell.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me back beside him. He mumbled under his breath, “You don’t get to leave my side.”
I looked up at him with confusion, but he was grinning and eating like nothing had happened.
Maybe I’d imagined it?
It wouldn’t be the first time.
Across the hall, the pretty woman’s expression was shattered. A tear streaked down her face. A few feet away at the other table, Sari glared at me with disgust.
I turned my head in the other direction.
Sadie was slumped forward with a scowl on her face. All the shifters stared at the thirteen-year-old girl who sat perfectly straight as she cut the crust off her bread, with a ferret around her neck.
I looked away from Jinx with shame. A child under my care has suffered.
I pushed my fork slowly back and forth across my plate.
“Eat, Arabella,” Scorpius ordered.
I jolted at the name.
“You’re so terribly weak.” Mother tsked and clacked her nails against her chalice. “How sad that you’ll never amount to anything.” She smirked, and blue flames engulfed me.
I sobbed. Drooled onto the floor as agony ate my nerves.
Why did her blue fire have to be so unique? Why did it hurt so badly without burning? Why was she so powerful, yet I was so weak?
Malum’s gruff voice broke through the mirage. “Arabella, are you listening to him? Pay attention when your betters address you.” His voice was warped and distant. “Don’t test us, because we’ll gladly shove food down your throat.”
I dug my fork into the eggs.