It was weird to see that date written out, permanently etched into a slab of stone. It was weird to know his casket had been lowered feet below where I stood. It was like I knew he had died—fuck, I’d been there, for crying out loud—but I hadn’t fully accepted it until I saw the place where he was buried. And now, it was suddenly real, and I knew with a sobering certainty that this hadn’t all been some screwed up nightmare.
Billy’s mom must’ve felt my knees threaten to give out because she gripped my arm tighter and said, “Here, sit down.”
We turned to take a seat on a nearby bench, just diagonal from the shiny black gravestone. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it, even when I was desperate to not look. I just couldn’t turn away.
“I’ve had all these years to get used to him being gone, and I still sometimes expect him to just walk through the door, like he’s been playing some horrible joke on me all this time,” Billy’s mom said quietly, as if she could read my mind.
“It’s just surreal,” I replied, not knowing what else to say.
“It is.”
Moments passed with me staring at my childhood best friend’s name carved into a slab of marble and his mother sitting beside me. I wanted to say something to break the silence while not knowing what there even was to say, and I was grateful when she finally spoke.
“I wanted to come see you,” she admitted. “I thought about it so many times, but I didn’t know if you’d want to see me or … I don’t know. I guess I was just scared.”
She didn’t clarify what she had been scared of, and she didn’t need to. There were a thousand things that would’ve been valid.
“But I’m glad you’re here,” she continued. “I’m glad we had this.”
Her hand patted my arm, and this moment felt like a true goodbye. I knew that the second I left this place, I would likely never see her again, and I was acutely aware of the racing of my heart. That desperate, frantic feeling of needing to hold on, to do something to keep her from leaving again even if it was on a happier note.
But I said nothing as we stood and hugged again.
“You’ve been taking care of yourself, I hope,” she said, holding me tighter than before.
“I have.”
“Good. That’s good. I’m happy to hear it.”
“What about you?” I asked.
“I have my good days and bad,” she admitted, almost apologetically. “Mostly good lately.”
I nodded. “I get it.”
We walked each other to the gate and were about to part ways as she wished me a safe trip to wherever I was living and a good life and to not be a stranger if I ever happened to be in the area again. Then, I turned, ready to head back across the street, where I knew my girlfriend and her son would be waiting, when I was struck hard with another reason to make her stay.
“Wait.” I turned on my heel and stopped her from walking to the parking lot. “Can I ask you a question?”
Billy’s mom was startled as she nodded. “Of course. What is it?”
“What do you know about David Stratton?”
Her lips parted at the sound of his name, and her eyes widened with obvious recognition. She swallowed and raised her chin before dropping it in a slight nod. Eagerness ate away at me, knowing with certainty that she had more info than I’d already gotten from the library, and I was two seconds away from demanding she spill every last bean she had.
But instead, she pulled her phone out of her bag and asked, “Where are you living now?”
“Uh …” I hesitated, unsure of if I should utter the name out loud, in the event that anybody might be listening. But I realized we were alone, apart from the dead, and they couldn’t talk. “River Canyon.”
“Let’s meet for coffee soon,” she said before taking down my number. “Then, I’ll tell you everything I know about David Stratton.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
A SEA OF SAUCE & PARANOIA
“So, then Jay showed me this really cool game he has, called Super Mario Odyssey.”
I nodded absentmindedly and continued to push the broom as Noah trailed behind me, talking a mile a minute about his time he'd spent at a friend's house after school.
Ray had said he’d be okay, walking home by himself after hanging out at his friend’s house. But it would be dark, and there was a bogeyman lurking in the shadows. We never knew if or when he would strike again. Noah’s friend’s house wasn’t far from The Fisch Market, and so I’d made the suggestion for him to stop by after hanging with his friend. I said I could keep him company on the walk home, and of course, Ray had been cool with it. I was more than glad to have him chill with me for a while—I always was—but as it turned out, my head wasn’t in the greatest place.
Come to think of it, it hadn’t been ever since I’d run into Billy’s mom.
And it wasn’t that I hadn’t enjoyed seeing her and making peace with that part of my past. We had both needed it desperately, and it was good that fate had allowed it to happen. But we had agreed to meet for coffee at Black & Brewed, and she had promised to tell me everything she knew about the man my mother had watched die. The possibilities felt endless. I knew she had to know something of substance because otherwise, why would she want to take the time to come all the way here just to say, Hey, sorry, but you’re shit out of luck?
My nerves couldn’t handle the anticipation and anxiety.
“… friggin’ listening to me?”
I realized I had, at some point, gotten so tangled up in my thoughts that I stopped pushing the broom, and Noah was now standing beside me. I glanced at him to read his annoyed expression and quickly offered an apologetic smile.
“Yeah, I am. Sorry.”
Noah wasn’t an idiot though. “No, you’re not,” he grumbled, rolling his eyes.
I pushed my hair out of my face and huffed a sigh. “Noah, seriously, I’m sorry. I’m just distracted, so—”
“Why? Are you pissed at Mom?”
“What?” I narrowed my eyes, taken aback. “No, why would you think I’m pissed off at her?”
“Because my dad gets really distracted and annoyed when he’s pissed off.”
Every now and then, the reminder that Seth could father this cool, amazing kid barreled against my chest like a raging elephant. I was able to forget most of the time, but on those rare occasions, I had to bite my tongue from declaring to the world that Noah deserved better than that piece of shit. He deserved the best.
He deserves me.
“Well, I’m not,” I said, keeping a stillness in my voice. “I’m just thinking about an old friend’s mom. I saw her a few days ago when we were at your grandparents’ house.”
Noah’s features contorted with his immediate understanding. “Ohh, that lady we saw you with?”
“Right.”
He nodded, accepting the offered information. “Did you see your friend too?”
“Sort of … well, not really.” I resumed my cleaning, an image of Billy’s black marble headstone flashing through my mind. “He died a long time ago.”