He glanced away. “What are you going to do if the job doesn’t work out?”
“I’m not sure. Is that what you’re worried about? I have a little saved so even if I can’t find a job right away—”
“I’m not worried about money.”
“I just mean I’ll try really hard not to get behind on rent.”
“I don’t give a shit about that,” he snapped.
“Then what’s wrong?” I yelled back.
“I don’t want you to leave.”
His reply was so unexpected, I just stared at him, my lips parted.
“My life was fine,” he said. “I didn’t have to answer to anyone. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, and I liked it that way. Then you showed up.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that. “Sorry?”
“I’m not good with people, Audrey. I don’t know how to do this.”
“Keep trying because I’m not sure I understand what you’re trying to say.”
He hesitated, his eyes stormy. “I didn’t think I wanted this. But I do. Every morning when your stupid dog wakes me up with his wet nose in my face, I look at you sleeping next to me and I can’t imagine losing you.”
“Why do you think you’d lose me?”
“You’re not here because you want to be.”
“What, in Tilikum? It wasn’t exactly my first choice, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking to leave at the first opportunity.”
“You sure about that?”
“I really want to be on the same page with you, but I feel like we’re still talking past each other. Is this because you saw job postings on my laptop just now? Why are you jumping to conclusions that I’ll just up and leave?”
He opened his mouth like he was going to reply, but a flash of pain passed over his features.
“What? Josiah, for the love of everything, please tell me what you’re thinking. Why are you so convinced I’m going to leave you for a freaking job?”
“Because she did.” His voice boomed but I could tell he wasn’t yelling at me. “They both did.”
He didn’t say anything else right away, so I just waited, hoping he’d continue—hoping he’d open up.
“Cassandra, my ex-girlfriend, she did me a favor. I had a ring in my pocket the night she broke it off, but it would have been a mistake. She clearly wasn’t in love with me and I don’t think I was really in love with her. Just comfortable, so it seemed like the thing to do. She chose a promotion over me. Didn’t even give me the chance to decide for myself whether or not I’d go with her. My mother, though– ”
My breath caught.
“She didn’t do my dad the same favor. She took his ring, married him, had three kids. Then she decided she had dreams that didn’t include a husband and three little boys in a tiny-ass town in the mountains. So she fucking left. Tilikum wasn’t enough for her. My dad wasn’t enough. And neither was I.”
Realization washed over me and my heart broke for him. Of course his mother would have given him abandonment issues. And his ex-girlfriend would have torn that wound open again. If I knew him, that was probably the first time he’d ever admitted to anyone how much it hurt.
I marched over to him and threw my arms around his neck. His wound around me, like an automatic response, but his body was still stiff.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Sticking to you like Velcro.” I squeezed him and felt him start to relax. “I’m not leaving you unless you make me.”
His arms tightened around me. For a long moment, neither of us said a word. We just breathed together, existing in the same space, holding each other.
Finally, I pulled back and trailed my hands down his chest. I figured I’d be the one to keep going but he surprised me by speaking first.
“I want you to stay.” His voice was low and soft. “Stay for me.”
As if I could have refused him anything. “Of course I’ll stay. I don’t want anything else. I just want you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.” The vulnerability in his face was so disarming. “I know I didn’t move to Tilikum because I wanted to be here. But I do now. Because this is where you are. I can’t imagine my life without you, either. I already turned down an interview on the east coast because I didn’t want to leave.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“About the job I turned down or that I want to stay with you?”