His sour breath made my head swim. He said in my ear, “Oh, we can start whenever you like.”
I yearned for the good old days when I’d had to fight one-on-one with the war god Ares—whaling on me with his massive sword/baseball bat, unleashing giant wild boars to trample me, glaring at me with his nuclear eyes.
Yes, those were simpler times.
Now I was locked in a wrestle-to-the-death contest with Gary the diapered god of halitosis.
And I was losing.
I tried to push against him, to force myself upright. It was like pushing against the roof of a tunnel. I twisted sideways, using his own weight to sling him off my back. I crawled away, gasping for breath, and barely had time to get to my feet before he slammed into me again, wrapping his arm around my neck. He pulled me into a side headlock, forcing my face dangerously close to his armpit. I really wished I hadn’t taken those menthol tissues out of my nostrils.
“Oh, no,” Gary cackled. “You can’t run from Old Age.”
“Technically not true!” Grover shouted. “Exercises like running can add years to your life!”
Gary snarled, “Quiet, satyr. No interference!”
“It’s not interference,” Annabeth chimed in. “It’s commentary! Every wrestling match has commentary.”
Their distraction bought me a few seconds, which I’d like to say I used to formulate a master plan. Instead, my thought process was: Oh gods I’m going to die help ow armpit armpit.
This falls short of the criteria for master plan.
I tried to shuffle sideways. Gary held me fast. I pushed forward with all my weight. I leaned back, hoping to pull him off-balance. Even though the guy was half my size, he didn’t budge.
“Going somewhere?” he asked.
With his free hand, he punched me in the ribs. The sound that came out of my throat would have alerted any walruses within a two-mile radius that I was looking for companionship.
“Flag on the play!” Grover yelled. “Ten-yard penalty!”
“No body blows!” Annabeth agreed. “That’s not wrestling!”
“Shut up!” Gary complained.
While his attention was divided, I managed to twist out of his headlock. I wrapped my arms around his chest and squeezed with all my might. I tugged and pushed, but I just couldn’t budge the guy.
He laughed. “Having fun?”
I didn’t have the energy to answer. At least he wasn’t smashing my face into the pavement yet. As long as I amused him, he seemed content to let me make an absolute fool of myself. Fortunately, that was on my list of superpowers.
There had to be a trick to beating this dude—something aside from superstrength, which was a ridiculous power only possessed by ridiculous Hercules, who was ridiculous. Maybe Gary had an Off button. Maybe he was afraid of something I could use against him. . . .
What fought off old age? Antioxidants. Crossword puzzles. Fiber supplements. I realized I was getting delirious from the pain and the old-person odors. My teacher Chiron had once told me that in a life-threatening situation, the most important thing is to stay calm. Once you get into fight-or-flight mode, you are too scared to think properly. That will get you killed.
Unfortunately, I was not calm. I couldn’t fight or flee. And I was fresh out of fiber supplements.
I tried my ace in the hole. I summoned my anger, channeled it into the pit of my stomach, and reached out for the unlimited power of the sea. We were in Manhattan, just above sea level, bracketed by major rivers, right next to the Atlantic. Surely I could draw on my father’s might, summon that great force to fight for me!
I unleashed a primal scream.
Halfway across Washington Square Park, a single manhole cover shot into the air. A geyser sprayed the tops of the trees, then fizzled out.
“That was impressive,” Gary said. “Now, shall we end this?”
He plucked me off his chest like I was a tick, then threw me across the playground.
“Percy!” Annabeth yelled.
Her tone of concern was the only thing that saved me. As I sailed through the air, Annabeth’s voice electrified every molecule in my body. My senses went into overdrive. Instead of slamming into the play structure, I twisted in midair, grabbed one of the bars, swung around, and landed on my feet. My shoulders throbbed. I’d probably pulled my arms out of their sockets, but I hadn’t broken my back, or, you know, died.
I staggered forward. Little globs of light swam in my eyes.
Gary scowled at Annabeth and Grover. “If either of you interferes again, I will declare this match null and void. I will turn all three of you into desiccated husks!”