I kiss her again, trying to lose myself in it, in her. But I can’t. Being with her feels wrong, like I’m cheating. Which is ridiculous. But the woman in my arms is not the one I want.
Finally, I pull back. “Fuck, I’m sorry. This isn’t right,” I say. She looks at me like I’m crazy, which I must be. I try my best to let her down easy with an excuse she probably doesn’t buy.
A few minutes later, she’s gone, muttering, “Gay, I knew it.”
All I want is to shower off her lingering perfume. Loneliness claws at my gut as I step into the shower, wishing the strong jets of water could wash away my unease as well. I drank too much, or perhaps I didn’t drink enough. I’m too heavy, too itchy, too hollow, too horny—all at the same time.
The robe I throw on after drying off is an elegant designer dressing gown, a gift from my foster sister. I laughed when she first sent it to me. It doesn’t fit my jeans-and-a-T-shirt style, but I wear it more often than I’ll ever admit to her.
The living room’s minimalist decor seems more bare than usual in the moonlight. I prowl the darkened room, not able to settle. I nurse a whiskey and watch the way faint moonlight plays across the shimmering depths of the Pacific Ocean.
I could have had sex with a woman lusted after by millions. But I can’t shake the thought that I have more fun texting with Typewriter Girl. I hoped someone else could cut her from my mind, like surgery. But it feels impossible.
The more we write, the more I want to know her in every way possible. And, worse, the more I want her to know me.
I wish I could tell her about my secret dream of being more than just a pretty face on a billboard, of going back to school to get my GED and then college to study screenwriting and filmmaking so I can tell my own stories, not someone else’s.
But I can’t, just as I can’t share with her my bone-deep fear that this unrelenting fame will never fade, the cold, hard certainty that the door to any normal life is closed forever.
The fame I’ve somehow fallen into is beyond anything I ever imagined. The crowds I attract are Elvis-worthy. I am Justin and Brad at their peaks. And I have no idea why, because I’m the same person I was in my teens. Back then, I was just another street punk, invisible to most people. Now, I can’t walk down the street without drawing a crowd.
During our all-night conversations, I imagine telling Typewriter Girl who I am. How would she react? Would she hate me for lying to her? Perhaps most aren’t outright lies; I’m careful about that. But I lie by omission and redirection constantly.
And then there’s this small part of me that thinks she’ll change if she knew. Friends morph to leeches all the time, seeing me as their ticket to Hollywood.
Even good people change around me. They might try, but they can’t see past the celebrity, as if I’m more an icon than human.
I worry she’ll stop seeing the real me. And then I’ll lose the real her.
But that fear is nothing compared to the rest of it—that, if I’m found out, photographed with her, if the paps get ahold of our friendship, then her life will be thrown into the chaos of mine. I once almost destroyed the life of someone I cared about. I won’t ruin hers. After what happened a few years ago, I’ll never again risk getting close to an ordinary girl who hasn’t already chosen fame.
Grabbing my phone off the nightstand, I click open my text messages. Few people have my personal number, and she’s the only one I text regularly. I’ve always considered texting a waste of time. But with her, it’s different. There’s row after row of our messages, laying out years of our relationship that’s based only on words. A river of them.
I should close my eyes and hope for sleep to come. Instead, I stare at my phone, debating. Like always, I tell myself to be smart. Every conversation only pulls me in deeper. The right thing would be to put distance between us, to not text as often, to pretend we have a simple friendship we can just let go.
But then loneliness extends its claws, and I know tonight isn’t going to be the night when I finally do the right thing. Tonight, I won’t build the dam and stop the flow of words.
I have to message her, I rationalize, because it’s her birthday. I sent a text in the morning, but there’s been nothing since then. This is her first birthday since her grandmother died. She must be sad. Maybe she needs me. I latch on to that excuse and start typing, feeling a sense of relief as my fingers hit the keys.
CHAPTER 4
Olivia
I sit in bed with a glass of champagne, make a toast to myself and my twenty-fifth year ’round the sun, and open Nanna’s letter. I read slowly, savoring every word. Tears build in my eyes because it feels like she’s here with me. I can hear her voice. Smell her Chanel perfume.