“That’s it.” He nods, looking at the ocean.
I watch him, willing him to say something, anything that will ease the ache taking up residence in my gut.
Every time I open my heart, he shows me he doesn’t want it.
I know I should just gracefully accept his friendship. The girl I was before would go back to her safe, small life without putting herself on the line. But that was before Nanna reached out from beyond the grave to kick me in the ass, daring me to start taking risks.
I’m learning that making myself open and vulnerable is a strength, not a weakness. It hasn’t been an easy, comfortable journey, but it’s led me here, to a secluded beach with the guy of my dreams. I’m not going to waste this. There are twinkly lights, for fuck’s sake.
I might not end up with the guy. But I can at least be the heroine in my own story. I’m not going to be ashamed of my feelings. I’m going to be brave enough to tell the truth. At least about this.
“I get it, Chase.” I give him a sad but determined smile. “You warn me away from you, are deliberately vague about having a girlfriend, and toast me going home with champagne.” I tilt my head. “You draw me in and then push me away. And I’m still here, barely able to breathe every time you look at me. You may confuse the hell out of me, but I see you, Chase. I see the real you when I suspect almost no one does. I see the loneliness behind your fame. I see the pain in your childhood and how you give quietly to those in need. How you support Daisy and care about your friends. How you turned your life around to protect me. I know you’re keeping me at a distance, but I also know that you’ve opened up to me in ways that are rare for you. I just want to do the same. If only you’d let me. If only you’d want me,” I say, my voice ragged and fierce.
“You don’t get it at all.”
“Pot, meet kettle.”
In one quick motion he shifts forward, cradles the back of my head, and pulls me closer until his forehead meets mine, until we’re just breathing each other in.
“I want you,” he forces out. “So damn bad I can’t breathe either.” He pulls back slightly. “But not at the expense of your life or happiness.”
He closes his eyes, and when he opens them, they are clear. Determined.
“That’s why I let you think I had a girlfriend. I could have told you about Cassidy’s real role in all this. But I didn’t because I don’t trust myself with you. I needed something to keep you away. Every time you look at me… Christ, Olivia.”
With a gentle, shaking hand, he traces my eyebrow, my cheek, down to my jaw. I hold so still; I forget to breathe.
“You look at me with those big gray eyes like I’m the sun and the moon, and I don’t deserve it. My life will fuck you up. I mean, look at what’s already happened. You could have been killed.”
“I wasn’t. That had nothing to do with you,” I interject.
He ignores my protest. “You could have died because I’ve been too weak to keep away from you. So, when you assumed that Cassidy and I were an item again, it was easier to let you think that. I’m sorry for misleading you.”
“You don’t have to protect me, Chase. And I’m tired of you making decisions for me in the name of keeping me safe. I can make my own decisions. I have made my own decisions. I’m here, with you. You keep telling me what you should do. But what do you want?” I ask in an urgent, impassioned rasp, our faces close.
I wait for his answer as he gazes at me with a closed-off ferocity I can’t read. And then his face shifts. A shake of his head and a small smile, like the sun in a storm-filled sky. “You. I only ever want you.”
His mouth descends on mine in a long, drugging kiss, and all my questions, all my doubts, all my fears of not being enough fly out of my head.
When we finally come up for breath, he pulls away a fraction. I make a mewl of dissatisfaction. He quirks his lips at the disgruntled sound.
“I need you to understand that being with me isn’t easy. We’re here, on the beach, because it’s beautiful. But I can’t take you to dinner or to the movies without a crowd forming and us running from photographers.”
I wave a hand. “I don’t care about all that. Though I think we can get creative if you want to be incognito in public. I was talking to Emma and Daisy, and they had great ideas about costumes.”
He laughs. “Lord save me,” he says wryly. He presses his lips softly to mine, and my eyes flutter shut again. “I’ll hear about their ideas later,” he says, pulling away slightly. “For now, I have a great idea.”