She was stunned. After months of hand-wringing and blackmail schemes, the easy slip of the truth from his mouth stole her breath. There had to be a reason, some new strategy she was missing. Shania looked dumbfounded. Matt stared down at his hands.
“I’ve thought a lot about why I did it,” he said. “What I was looking for. And I think… no, I know that I was lonely.” He looked at Rachel with desolate eyes. Her chest tightened. Without his usual cockiness, Matt was almost unrecognizable. “We stopped talking. I don’t know when it happened, but we shared this house without being together. You didn’t like being around me.” Rachel shook her head, but he lifted a hand and said, “It’s true. Please, let’s be honest for once. You hated being alone with me. And I’m not blaming you, I just… I don’t know why.”
Rachel’s first impulse was to reach for the anger she always kept sharp and ready for attack. But losing Nathan had worn down the edges. Thirteen years of heartache rushed out in its place.
“You stopped listening,” she said. “I tried to tell you that this life, your career, was strangling me, but you didn’t want to hear it. You couldn’t hear that and keep pretending everything was okay. So I stopped trying.” She paused, replaying the last few years of their marriage. How quiet it was unless they argued. How cautious and still. “I’ve been lonely too,” she said. “And jealous. Your life is filled with so much purpose, and I’ve drained mine of anything real.” Each word cracked her open, bit by bit. She dug deep and pulled out more. Maybe it was also healing something. “I don’t know why you married me.”
Matt looked horrified. “What? That’s a ridiculous thing to say.”
“No, Matt,” Shania interjected, surprising them both by her sudden shift in loyalties. “Don’t negate how she feels. There’s a question in that statement, and she needs an answer.”
Matt sat back with a furrowed brow. He stared at Rachel for a moment, then slowly shook his head. “How could you not know? You captivated me. I spent our first year together being rocked by you and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.” He retreated into his thoughts, his lips twitching into a smile. “You were beautiful. And funny. I don’t think you know that, but you’re funny without even trying. You were strong. Creative. And brave.” He met her eyes again. “You didn’t care about who I was or what anyone else thought about you. That wild whirlwind of stuff inside you? I never had that. I was grateful to be invited in. To just hang on and watch.”
Rachel recognized the woman Matt described. She’d gotten drunk in the rosebushes and nearly wrecked a vintage Camaro. She’d plunged headfirst into the kind of full-body love that can destroy you. She was the scandal Herman feared and Matt never fought for. The woman she’d been pressured to leave behind.
“You didn’t marry her,” Rachel said softly.
Matt blinked, confused. “What?”
Rachel met his eyes. “That woman you described. She wasn’t someone you could build a life with.”
Matt swiveled on the couch to face her. “That’s not—”
“You said we were being honest.” Her voice trembled, thick with tears. “So don’t rewrite our history. We agreed, remember? To be partners. To be what each other needed. And you needed to be this man who needed this wife at his side.” Her eyes blurred, hazing out the details of his face. “And I said yes. I was here. Where the fuck were you?”
“Okay,” Shania said. “I think maybe we should—”
Matt held up his hand to cut her off. “What the hell are you talking about? I was always here for you and Faith. My family has always treated you like one of us. Better! Christmas ski trips and dinners. We didn’t have family dinners growing up. And it took years for Dad to set up our trusts, but Faith was only eight years old when he—” He stopped. The red flush leached from his face, and he closed his mouth so quickly it made a popping sound.
Matt was a bad liar, but only if you were paying attention. If she hadn’t been ignoring him all these years, maybe she would have caught his cheating sooner. His complexion was a mood stone that would always betray him.
“When he what?” Rachel asked. Matt’s shoulders caved, revealing the truth; the trust Herman showed her had nothing to do with her decision to stay. “He opened that account when we got married?”
Shania leaned in again. “We’re getting off topic.”