“Let me come in, PJ. I need to talk to you,” Todd begged. “To apologize.”
I motioned for him to take a seat in front of my desk. “Spit it out. I don’t have time to waste. On a deadline, here.” Todd loosened his coat and exhaled. I watched as he picked at nonexistent lint on his pants. His eyes were tired, his body just as worn down. My anger was quickly replaced by pity. Todd had aged before my eyes in a matter of months. I regretted that my response came out as harsh as it had.
Todd rubbed his hands over his bald head. “Look. I’m sorry, PJ. Not sure what came over me. I was a real asshole in front of Ari and a dick to you too, man. I’m going through some heavy shit right now. Plus, Thanksgiving always has me missing Senior. You know that.”
“So instead of talking to me, or Mama, you felt the need to put on a show, brother? What’s really going on?” I eased back into my chair, studying my baby brother’s face.
“I know it’s not an excuse, but shit gets hazy, especially around the holidays. You know that, PJ. I miss Senior so much.”
I stared at Todd. I may have had his name and looks, but Todd was Senior’s favorite son. They’d had a special bond that was severed far too soon when Dad died. Now, Todd was trying to heal the hurt at the bottom of a liquor bottle.
Todd scratched his moustache. “And then there is the thing with the job.”
I raised a brow. “What thing with the job?”
“They’re trying to tank a big case that I worked my ass off to bring it to the firm. I don’t get it, PJ. I play their games. I go to their golf clubs. Host the poker nights. And what do they do? Tank my case on the word of some new guy because he’s the partner’s godson. I swear I work ten times harder for nothing. Nothing, man.”
I had no clue he was going through any of this. “Sorry, Todd. I did not know. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
“Yeah, I didn’t want you to worry. Plus, this stadium is a big deal for you.”
“Todd, I’m your brother. It’s my job to worry about you. But, T, you know the drinking isn’t helping things.”
Todd fell silent, eyes focused on the floor. “I know. Kim told me I needed to get help or…she was out. I don’t want to lose my family, PJ. I can’t. They’re the only real thing I have.” He rested his elbows on his knees, cradling his head as he wept. The last time I’d seen Todd cry like this was Senior’s funeral. He was a sixteen-year-old boy who had lost his whole world. He was on the brink of losing it again.
I sighed, trying to hold back my own tears. “Well? Do you want to lose your family, Todd? Do you want liver failure or cancer like…？”
“Like Senior,” Todd said. “You can say it, PJ. Cancer like Senior.”
The pain of remembering Senior’s final days twisted my insides. All the chemo that took out his curls. All the sores on his skin as he aged rapidly. “Yes, Todd. Like Senior. I know his death was hard on you. But seriously… I can’t lose you too, man. You’re the only brother I have. You’re my best friend.”
Todd sniffed, wiping tears on his shirtsleeve. “I know. Sorry. I guess I was just…projecting my stuff on to you. In some ways I envied your life.”
My eyes widened in disbelief. “My life? I work too much and go home to an empty loft. You have a home that includes wife and kids who, despite your shit, love you. I should envy you.”
Todd chuckled uncomfortably. “I know but the reason I was working so hard was to prove that I was just as perfect as you. Hell, that I was better. To Granddaddy Senator, the sun rose and set on you. You never had to work for anything.”
I threw my pen on the desk, frustrated. “Todd, why do you keep saying that as if despite the connections, I haven’t worked my ass off to show that I’m actually good at what I do?”
“I know that now, man. I do. And Ari. I’m sorry about that. Embarrassing you in front of your coworker. You like her, don’t you? More than a friend or coworker. I could tell.”
I looked over at Ari’s office door, which was closed. “Ari is amazing, inside, and out. We work well together. We have a lot in common and she makes me laugh. I’m not her man, but all I want to do is make her happy. Weird, right?”
Todd stared at me in disbelief. “Wow. I’ve never heard you talk about a woman like that. So, I take it the no dating coworkers thing is off the table.”
I took a deep breath and scratched my beard. “That’s the thing. This is new for me. I’m not a person who goes against their principles but what have principles gotten me? Nothing. I want what you and Kim have. What Mom and Senior had. Hell, what Mom and Des have. I think I can have that with Ari. The only thing is…”