A breath escapes me. “Sam…” is all I get out.
I close my eyes and breathe it all in. If I listen closely, I can almost hear the hum of his guitar playing somewhere in the distance. “How did you find this place?”
“I wandered off the trail and found it one day,” Sam says. “It reminded me of the song I always play for you. The one you listen to when you write. I know you’ve been having some trouble thinking lately. I thought that, maybe if you saw it in person … the fields of gold … it would inspire you to write again.”
A breeze blows strands of hair across my face and I leave it. “Why didn’t you bring me here sooner?”
“I was waiting for the right moment to show it to you. I had it all planned out. It was supposed to be special. I didn’t know I would run out of time.”
A pain goes through me.
“Is it how you imagined it in the story?” he asks.
My throat swells, making it hard to speak. “It’s so much more,” I say. “Thank you for this.”
“I wish I could see it again,” Sam goes on. “I wish I was there with you. I wish I could see the look on your face…”
Tears form behind my eyes as I stare out at the golden fields, the endless barley, and the sun that’s beginning to set, trying to hold on to every single detail so I will always remember this. So I won’t forget. And then I hear something I never thought I would hear again. Sam’s voice on the phone, singing the song “Fields of Gold,” just like he promised me he would someday …
“I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I’ve broken
But I swear in the days still left
We’ll walk in fields of gold
We’ll walk in fields of gold…”
We watch the sunset together, just like Sam had planned for us. I find a spot in the grass to lie down, and place the phone beside me with the speaker on. We talk for hours, about everything, laughing like old times as the sky changes colors above us, and I swear it’s like he’s here with me. Sam’s right, it’s even more magical out here at night. The stars feel so close you could reach out and touch them. I look for constellations and tell Sam which ones I think I know. For a long moment, I can feel him lying there besides me. If I turn my head to look, I’d see him with his arms tucked behind his head, wearing his plaid shirt, his eyes opened wide at the sky, his beautiful dark hair, that handsome smile on his face. But I don’t dare to look, because I’m scared no one will be there. So I just stare straight up at the stars, and allow myself to keep pretending.
I close my eyes for moment. “Thank you for bringing me here. I didn’t realize how much I needed to be away from everything.”
“Feels like a different world, doesn’t it?” Sam whispers next to me. “Like Ellensburg is a million miles away.”
“Do you miss it, Sam? Ellensburg, I mean.”
“Yeah I do … I miss everything about it.”
I open my eyes back up to the stars. “I think I’ll miss it, too.”
“So you’re still leaving?”
“That was always the plan,” I remind him. “To finally get out of here, you know? Move to a big city, go to college or something, become a writer.”
“You don’t sound too excited,” Sam says.
“Well, I didn’t want to do it alone.”
There’s a long silence before Sam speaks again. “You’re gonna be okay, Julie. Wherever it is you go, whoever you end up with. You’ll figure things out.”
“There’s no one else I want to end up with. You’re still here, Sam. And that’s all that matters right now. Nothing else.”
“Julie,” Sam says, somewhat tensely. “Don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“Hold on to us,” he says. “As if we still have forever.”
“Why do you keep saying that?”
“Because it won’t always be like this. It can’t. I need you to remember that.”
“But why can’t it be?”
“It just can’t—” His voice cracks a little. “Think about it. You’re not going to live the rest of your life talking to your dead boyfriend on the phone, while everyone else is out there living their lives, meeting new people, moving on with the rest of the world. You can’t live this way forever.”
“I don’t see what’s so wrong about this,” I say back. “You’re making it sound worse than it is.” I can’t think of anything I want more in the world right now, other than having him be alive again. “As if I care what other people think of me. As long as I have you. And if we can still be together, we should make it work. Even if it isn’t exactly like we planned—”