Mika squeezes my hands back, nodding slowly. “I believe you. I’m trying to.”
I’ve been waiting so long to hear her say this. But there’s something in her voice that doesn’t give me the relief I expected. There’s something in her eyes that makes me second-guess myself.
“And when did you start talking to him?” she asks carefully.
“The week after he died.”
“Only through the phone?”
“It’s the only way to reach him.”
“Can you show me the calls?” she asks.
I hesitate. “I can’t do that…”
“Why not?”
“Because none of our calls show up on my phone,” I explain. “I still don’t really understand why. And we can’t text, either—only calls.”
Mika leans back, her face deep in thought. There’s a long silence. My chest tightens. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her.
“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” I ask.
“Of course not,” she says. “Losing someone is a difficult thing for all of us, Julie. But, do you think there’s a chance this might be all in your head?”
“I considered that at the beginning. But it isn’t, Mika. It’s really Sam. It’s really him I’ve been talking to, I know it.”
Mika takes in a deep breath. Her voice softens. “Sam is dead, Julie. You remember that, don’t you? You know we buried him, right?”
“I know, I’m not saying he isn’t, but it’s hard to explain. It’s—” My voice gives out, because I don’t have the answers. “I know this doesn’t make sense, okay? But I need you to believe me.”
When Mika says nothing, I know she doesn’t. My head aches as the room starts to spin. I’m beginning to lose myself, too. There’s only one way to prove this. One thing that will explain everything. “Here, let me just call him…”
“Julie—” Mika starts.
But I’ve already made the call. And it’s ringing.
This doesn’t have to be long. Just enough for Mika to hear the sound of Sam’s voice, a couple words, maybe a quick conversation to prove it’s him—this will convince her. My chest tightens with every ring as I wait for Sam to pick up already. I can’t believe what I’m doing. I finally get to share this secret and prove all of this is real.
But the phone keeps ringing. It rings for so long, I lose track of how many seconds have passed. Mika sits in silence, watching me. The ringing goes on and on, building more pressure in my chest. I don’t know what’s wrong. Where are you, Sam? This isn’t like him. He usually picks up right away. My hands are trembling, so I clench the phone tighter. The phone keeps ringing and ringing, and I wonder if he might not pick up this time.
And then it hits me. A terrible thought. Like a bullet to the chest. The missing call history, the texts not going through, the secrets to keep, and the calls themselves. Oh my god. Has this has all been in my head? Have I imagined it all? I lower the phone, as the room blurs and everything goes still. A chill moves through me, and the pressure that’s been building in my chest bursts, leaving a massive hole that makes me want to disappear.
No one picks up this time. So I end the call.
I don’t even look at Mika as I rise abruptly from the couch. “I—I have to go.” I nearly knock the teapot over as I hurry to leave. I struggle to put my phone back into my stupid pocket, but it won’t go in.
“Julie, wait—” Mika grabs hold of my arm to stop me, but I pull away.
I force a smile. “I was kidding! It was all a joke. I made it up, okay?” But the trembling in my hands and the petrified pitch of my voice betray me, and Mika isn’t laughing things off. She follows me into the hallway as I’m leaving. When I catch the look of worry on her face, I’m so embarrassed, all I can say is, “I’m not crazy, I swear. It was all a joke.”
“Julie, I don’t think you are. Just wait—”
Something vibrates in my hand, followed by a strange noise that startles us both. I’m so thrown off guard, my phone slips through my hand, bounces off the tip of my shoe, and slides across the rug.
I stare at my phone and see it’s ringing. This surprises me, because I never have the ringer on. It’s always on silent. I glance at the screen, and see the number is unknown.
Mika and I look at each other. She glances at the phone, wondering if I’m going to answer. I hesitate before I slowly pick it up from the floor. It’s still ringing. I accept the call, bringing the phone to my ear. The sound of my own heart beating is the first thing I hear. “Hello?” I say.